Southern Charm

Here I am, back in Shiroles in the comforts of my familiar room (and cot) and back to the simple lifestyle of the Bribri while engulfed by the beauty of nature that surrounds me. So much of me wishes I was here just to love and serve these people rather than having to lead short-term mission teams. I think this has been an incredible internship and opportunity, but I can’t help but think that this position is not what it’s all about. It’s an extremely busy, stressful position leading teams. It makes me realize how difficult it must be for long-term missionaries who take time away from their personal ministry to host such teams. I’ve been discouraged a few times by the pure exhaustion that comes from this position, and the realization that such a job calls for someone to work the entire day, every day, without any real down time. It’s been the hardest part for me. You know how you give your all during short-term mission trips? You have a set apart time to love and serve people, to follow this jam-packed schedule filled with work projects, kids club, worship, debrief etc. etc. Then you go back home, sleep for an entire day, and return to your normal routine? Well, as a summer staff – we don’t get that day of rest, and we give it our all week after week after week. After reflecting on this fact, I realized that it’s not missions necessarily that terrifies me, it’s working my life away that I fear the most. And honestly, that’s not the way God intended it to be. We fill our lives with busyness and often forget to be still and listen to the Lord. Then we turn around and ask for wisdom and direction and get frustrated when we don’t understand or see a clear cut picture. Anyway, I realize I’m straying off the beaten path. Point is: I’m ready to sit, be still, and listen to the Lord this week. I’ve allowed the Devil to discourage me in my passion for a life on the mission field (which should be all of our lives); but am realizing that it is the busyness I want to shy away from not the mission field itself.

Last week, we hosted In Focus Church of Georgia and two college graduates from Kentucky. If I could describe the week in one word it would be “fun.” The spirit of our group was so joyful and full of humor. For the first time, I felt like our group had the same sense of humor as me and my week was filled with just an incredible amount of laughter. Our teams rocked at making relationships with the community, they weren’t so wrapped up in the go-go-go mentality and were able to embrace the lax nature of the culture. We continued work on the church bathrooms (which seem to be nearing completion!), dug a gutter around the church sanctuary to prevent flooding from the typical downpours of the region, and continued work on the school computer lab. Reflecting on the week, I can’t quite pinpoint a specific quality that made me connect with this group but I just absolutely adored everyone! It might have been that they were gamers, and every night we ended in either a game of Mafia, four square, or an impromptu game. It made me think of my game nights back home and I absolutely enjoyed every minute of it! I especially connected with the female leader of the group, Barbara. When first meeting her I was intimidated by her strong personality and extreme sense of sarcasm; but as the days went on I had the opportunity to talk with Barbara about her life and hear her wisdom. She had been through a lot as a child and had spent a majority of her adult life far from God, but through a radical transformation of the Spirit she continues to seek to align her life towards a life of righteousness. I was really inspired by how much she continued to question and reflect on different issues, listening and learning, always eager to know more. I think a lot of times we think we have it all figured out, get stuck going through the motions, or close our ears off when God calls us to new things. It takes a strong woman of God to admit that she doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and to proclaim that she will continue to seek truth and grow closer with the Lord in the process.

I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve been through a lot of spiritual warfare while out here on the mission field. I had a passion for missions before this summer, but being here just makes me realize even more how truly important it is to pray for our brothers and sisters who are spreading the name of Christ on the field. Those who truly sacrifice all that they have to take up their cross and follow the Lord are the ones who the Devil is out to attack the most. It is not easy. I remember asking the Lord for tests and hardships so that He would break me of all that I cling to, that I would not consider anything my own, and would lay down my life for His namesake. Now, here I am – and there have been times that I question my ability to live on the field and have focused on my inadequacies; but I am continually reminded me that this is not my ministry, it is HIS. This is not about what I can or cannot do; it’s about what HE can do through me. There is always hope in despair and His presence in the midst of chaos. I was reading a piece of Joyce Myer's devotional and it really spoke to me. It talked about how it is good to acknowledge our weaknesses, but not to dwell on them - instead we must proclaim strength through His Name and His power.

I feel like this entry is sort of jumbled and I apologize if it may have been hard to follow, but I want to type out a prayer I wrote in my journal and the Scripture that the Lord specifically brought me to give you all a glimpse of what I'm feeling - and the faithfulness of the Lord in sustaining me through these experiences. Please continue to pray for our leadership team in Costa Rica as we prepare for our last two short-term mission teams, we will be hosting an adult team from Cumberland Fellowship this next week. Eric, the youth pastor of In Focus, gave us some good advice to finish off the summer. He reminded us "This may be your millionth time, but it will be the group's first time. So treat your last two teams with the same energy and enthusiasm as the first." I think he is absolutely right, and though our strength and energy is draining - we will continue to pray that the Lord will take over and make these last two weeks just as unforgettable as the first two. 

July 20, 2012

7:10am

I will be quiet before You Lord. I will be still before You my God. Open my eyes to see the beauty of Your creation that surrounds me, open my eyes to hear your voice above all other noise. Lord, I long for Your presence, when you speak and act through me my soul is left joyful and longing for more of You. I will never understand Your ways or comprehend the vastness of Your majesty – I am brought down and bruised – but I find truth in your ways. In this life I will fail, I will be strayed in my selfishness; I will despise myself and this world. I will feel lost in hopelessness, and I will always fall short in bringing you glory. But I thank you precious Lord, that with every morning I get to wake up to Your wonderful, beautiful mercy. Why is grace extended to a peasant, so unworthy? How can you love me when I am unable to return the same incredible love and am tainted by the ways of this world? I’ll never know why or how – all I do know is the truth of Your undying love and faithfulness, I know of Your tests and promises that keep me in awe of your Majestic Being. Lord make me Your servant, use me for the sake of Your Kingdom. Shape and mold my heart, body, mind, and soul to be pleasing to You. Humble me to become a servant to all, give me life in Your ways. When all is lost I am found in You. When I am poor in this world, I am rich in Your Kingdom. Consume me Holy Spirit, may my life not just be filled with worthless thoughts or actions, may You extend my ways past more than talk. Lord, focus my eyes on You, turn my thoughts and actions to You – to our Love – to a transformation of all that I am. Remove all judgments or assumptions from my mind; build in me a heart that cherishes every aspect of Your creation that has form in this Earth. Lord continually break me of my personal plans and desires, align my mind and motivations to your own. Precious God I long for You, I am thirsty for more of You. Take over my life, be the light in the midst of darkness- both in this world and in my soul. Your ways are higher; lead me in a life of righteousness. Speak to me God, reveal Yourself to me within every moment of every day. Revive me with a burning fire in my Spirit – to follow You will all that I have, to sacrifice all that I cling to, to purify myself for Your intimate love – my Heavenly Prince. I will be quiet before You Lord. I will be still before You My God.

“In town after town the Holy Spirit testifies to me that chains and afflictions are waiting for me. But I count my life of no value to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the Gospel of God’s grace” Acts 20:23-24

Works Without Faith is Dead.

As I sit in a Caribbean smoothie shop in Cahuita, I can’t help but think how badly I needed just one afternoon on my own. I always knew we would have a jam packed schedule, and I had always thought I thrived off of busy-ness; but I’m realizing more and more just how introverted I truly am. I really do value my alone time and some of my most precious times with Jesus are in the confines of my room or in complete silence and meditation. When groups ask me what the most difficult part is of this job, I always say the lack of time. I recently discovered that learning how to be still in today’s society is one of the biggest challenges to walking in a life of righteousness. Even within the ministry, we pack our schedules with Bible studies, accountability partners, church services, volunteer work, Christian concerts, so on and so forth; and all of these things are great, but where do we draw the line? It’s one thing to be surrounded by Christian activities and friends; it’s another to dwell in His Holy Spirit. We can talk all we want about how much we love God- but if someone were to read our mind, how much do our thoughts (and actions) reflect Christ? If you’ve ever been in love, you know that you want to spend 24 hours a day with that special person. There is just never enough time that you can spend with them. So if we claim to love Jesus, why do we struggle in finding time alone with Him or talking with Him throughout our day? God isn’t supposed to be fit into our schedules; He is supposed to be THE schedule, to experience God’s true love we must learn to give our lives, including our routines, to Him. This has been a struggle for me, a tension between what “needs” to be done, and what I truly need- the presence of the Holy Spirit; because without that, what is the purpose of life or our work?

In the midst of this personal battle of mine, the Lord brought me a week filled with passionate prayer and worship to bring me back to His majesty. We hosted two groups this week: one an adult group from an Assemblies of God church in Chicago, the other a youth group from Grace Presbyterian church in Colorado. Talk about cross-cultural experiences! Cross-generational, cross-regional, cross-denominational; it was neat to see how all came together in unity to serve our one true God.  I had been excited from the beginning about our adult group, solely because we had had a lot of youth and I just knew I was going to be the learner rather than the teacher in this group. Since our group of adults also spoke Spanish, we were able to reach out to the community like we never had before. On Tuesday, we had a prayer walk through the community where we stopped at different locations in the village (ie. School, church, soccer field etc.) to pray over each area. We had the opportunity to pray over individual workers and homes, and I was brought to tears when we stopped at the home of our community partners, Sara and Victor, to shower them with prayer in the middle of their living room. We ended our walk at our main construction site, Pastor Indalecio’s church, where Pastor spoke to us. He told us how much he loved the way we were stopping work to pray over the community, how the balance of a word and deed Gospel is just not done enough. He touched on exactly what I had been praying about – that works without faith is dead. On Thursday, we held our first ever women’s ministry. It had been placed on the hearts of both Susie and I to start up this outreach. We were able to get together with the women of the community in the middle of the day when they are done with cooking and their husbands are still working at the plantain farms. We came together over coffee and sweet bread while we made friendship bracelets and sang songs of worship in Spanish and English. It was a really special time for me as I saw the vision that the Lord had given me play out in this community. 

Both teams worked hard to continue construction on the church bathrooms and floors, Pastor Jonathan’s house construction project, and the high school computer lab project. We even had a special painting project that three girls from the community came to us with through a letter. We paired the three Bribri girls with three girls from our group to complete it, and the day ended with a paint fight! Within all of the construction projects, both of our groups were incredible at forming relationships as they worked alongside those in the community. For me though, the overwhelming theme of the week was much more spiritual than usual and it was exactly what I needed.

The beautiful part of it all, was that for almost everyone in our group this week was their first international mission trip. Many came to me crying, overwhelmed by the poverty and guilted by their selfish blessings. During a night of debrief, I asked the group what their motivations and expectations were before coming on this trip. Some answers were honest- to get away from home; others were typical- to serve God, etc. but as they were sharing I realized that many were beginning to feel disgusted with the American abundance and overcome with honeymoon feelings of the humility of the Bribri. See, it’s good to feel a sort of compassion and humility when you come on a mission trip but that’s by no means what it is all about. They talked about how hard working the Bribri are, how accepting they are, and how they so easily accept love. But I twisted the situation on them, as I realized I am guilty of succumbing to the same feelings. Are the Bribri really that much more hard working and accepting than Americans? Or do we just come to mission trips with the open-mindedness and servant-heartedness necessary to see and value others the way we should see and value everyone? A mission trip is an allotted time that we have to accept those around us, to learn from others, to love and serve no matter what that means- but how does that translate to our lives back home? Are there not American women and men of all ages, of all salaries, of all professions who need Jesus just as desperately as those in third world countries? America may be rich in money, but we are poor in Spirit. Many claim Christianity as their lives reflect the world. Many drown in wealth and at the same time drown in depression. Many are blinded to think money and success bring life, when all it does is quicken death. Maybe, if we begin to live our lives the way we live them during our one-week mission trip than we will truly see ALL others as made in the image of Christ. Maybe, if we stop reserving church for Sundays and learn to give our ENTIRE lives away to the Lord then we will finally see transformation in our lives and the lives of others around us.

Whether we are in the church or out of it, passionate worshippers or silent meditators, professionals or laborers, Bribri or American – we are all in need of truth; we all need to learn how to give our lives away to find life in Jesus Christ. 

And every day, in the temple and from house to house, 

they did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ. 

Acts 5:42

A Near Revival

Wow the Lord moved in big ways this week! Our team of 46 came in to San Jose late last Saturday night with a three hour delay that left Susie, Roberto, and I killing time by screaming worship in the car, freestyle rapping in front of the airport, and finally admitting delirium while watching UFC  fights in the airport café. From the start, I was deeply impacted by the strong leadership of Christ Community Church. Kim, the youth pastor, maintains an incredible balance of energy, authority, and passion for Jesus. Each of the team leaders of this big group acted as genuine examples of what men and woman of God look like. The leaders placed prayer at the forefront of every single activity and there was an emphasis on spiritual disciplines; morning silence, Biblical devotions, group prayer, affirmations, one-on-one accountability, just to name a few.

Above all, I was most impressed by the spiritual maturity of each student. I’d like to take credit for spiritually leading the group throughout the week, but I can humbly admit that I think I took more out of this group then I gave. The group’s love for Christ was absolutely contagious and their servant hearts gave me hope in the youth of the body of Christ. As cliché as it may sound, I always thought of the line from Hosanna “I see a generation, rising up to take their place with selfless faith.” Every person was so eager to serve, from something as small as filling up your waterfall to making real friendships with those who they worked with in the community. I loved the eagerness of everyone who shot up their hands to pray or serve food and who constantly supported and encouraged all the interns.

My favorite part of the entire week was Tuesday morning when we woke up to a downpour of rain. We had expected this would happen eventually, I mean, we are in the Costa Rican rainforest. Initially, the team was bummed that we would have to wait for the rain to clear before we could start work. However, it didn’t take long to make the decision that we would spend the morning in devotion to the Lord. The team loves worship and their voices are strong and powerful, so as we began worship it was only a matter of time until the community began to slowly trickly into the church sanctuary to get a glimpse of the scene. Susie led us in singing with the community simultaneous Spanish and English, and after the second set of worship I had the incredible opportunity to share my testimony with the group and the community. It took a few minutes to adjust to having to share my testimony in both Spanish and English, but as I opened myself up and let my walls come down I experienced the complete fulfillment of the Lord. After letting every person in the room hear my story I felt extremely broken and vulnerable, reminded of my past and the all-powerful grace that I am so unworthy of but has covered my past regrets. As we continued to sing songs the Lord completely brought me to my knees to worship in complete surrender and awe of His Majesty. It’s rare that we are given four hours to spend in devotion with the Lord in worship, but I praise God for that rain that allowed us to do just that. It was a time that I know Roberto, Susie, and I all desperately needed- a revival in our hearts that reminded us of the beauty of our Lord and the true purpose of this summer: to share that beauty with others so that they may come to know it as well.

Before the week began, I had prayed desperately that the Lord would build a desire in me to build relationships rather than be so distracted with the work. My prayers were answered as I felt so eager to learn about those in our group and in the community. The Lord completely engulfed me as I somehow miraculously improved in my Spanish and was able to have in-depth conversations with the Bribri. It was so beautiful!

Of course, the week was not without its problems – for what is the point of life if we were not made to depend on God?  Our struggles mainly occurred between Susie, Roberto, and I. It was tough this week especially, because for the majority of the week we all had to split up. We had four construction worksites: the church bathrooms, the sanctuary floors, a house demolition project, and a computer lab for the local high school. It was a struggle to keep the flow of communication as we all ran around like chickens trying to keep all the different worksites together. Roberto especially felt overwhelmed as the construction coordinator. I apologized to my team about the constant struggle to balance forming relationships and tasks- please pray for me as I grow in this!

Through it all, I praise the Lord that within my job I get to work with two other leaders who love Jesus and desire to do His will. We were all extremely broken by the end of the week. I had gotten sick earlier in the week and was drowned in tears and held/comforted by our cook, Sarah. Susie had a long week at kids club which ran long every single day. Roberto ran from one worksite to the next and stepped up as one of the students fainted from heat exhaustion. We began to snap at one another, and I even had to retreat into the mountains to just cry out to Jesus. Last night, we knew we had to sit down and talk. What followed was a night of beautiful reconciliation and complete brokenness. We went from fighting, to talking and listening, to crying, to holding and kissing each other desperately crying out to God to overcome our team. We ended the night running out to our car and driving down the bumpy roads of Bribri screaming out “We will run to you, we will run to you. Desperate for your truth, we return to You.” How powerful is the healing hand of Christ!

No words could describe how beautiful this week was. It was filled with experiences like climbing a mountain to chop down wood and killing a pig for dinner. Most of all, I was just so touched by each student, who shined their flashlights over their Bibles before bed and woke up in reverent silence before the Lord. They made a special impact in the community who took part in their evening affirmations, joined us for worship, and were touched by the deep love they offered. This is the body of Christ, and I am thankful that this week gave me the opportunity to get a real glimpse of the Kingdom.