Fruits of the Spirit

So much of life is awareness and response. I've been having really bad chest pains and this morning I was feeling miserable in every way. I dug into the Word but was still feeling down and in pain. I went about my normal routine, getting ready, making breakfast, packing my bag to go to the library...when I heard the Lord telling me to STOP. I wasn't feeling good and I shouldn't just ignore that. I needed to stop to be aware - not just of my own body but of the presence of the Lord in the midst of this hurt. So I laid on my bed and closed my eyes, and it was in this moment when I was able to hear God, feel His presence, and be reminded of the fruits of His Spirit. 

See, when you accept the Lord there should be transformation. We know this, right? When you accept Christ into your heart, He then resides IN you. Your body is made His temple and the Spirit fills you. So, when you hear Christians describe the love and peace that comes in knowing God it's to this reference of God's residence within them. Now, these fruits of the Spirit are definitely much more than just feelings. Trust me, there are many many times that I do not necessarily feel peace or hope, and I know there are many many times that I do not properly extend love or kindness.

So, it was within my moment of awareness before God that I received the revelation that I do indeed have ALL of the fruits of righteousness. I haven't received them by anything I have done or achieved, but simply because of the unconditional love and grace of Christ who has placed His Spirit inside of ME! Phew. What a thought. So if the Spirit resides in me, and His presence is everlasting that means in every circumstance and despite whatever feeling I DO have:

love - joy - peace - forbearance - kindness - 
goodness - faithfulness - gentleness - and self control. 

Praise the Lord! 

So why do we not always see these qualities in believers if they are there? Why do we fail to represent love at times? Or self-control? If the Spirit resides in us and therefore we have these qualities within us - where are they?! 

I imagine a big ol pit in the ground. In the depths of our hearts is the Spirit and the fruits of righteousness, but we often separate ourselves from the Spirit. We pile on all this dirt - junk like shame, hurt, legalism, perfectionism, so on and so forth that buries the Lord far away from us. Then before you know it, we're wondering where the fruit of the Spirit is in our lives OR even in times when we do remember, we become discouraged - for yes that fulfilling fruit of the Spirit is there - we remember it - but it's dug alllll the way down there, under all that dirt; and frankly we're too tired or even too scared to have to dig through it all. 

So we just ignore it. We see the dirt (being our lack of intimacy with the Lord), and we feel the pain that comes from the dirt...but we just go on with our routines. We go to the gym, make breakfast, read our Bibles, go to work or school, spend time with friends, and go to bed. We let the dirt sit there until one day the dirt starts to take a toll. In our routines marked by self-sufficiency and separation from the Spirit, we forget about the fruit of intimacy that comes with knowing the Lord. Then the Lord, out of His compassion and kindness, sees that there MUST be some kind of trigger to pull His child out of this rut called "routine." Whether that comes in the form of illness, or a break up, or loss of a job, or whatever; we are finally brought to an awareness through this trigger that brings us to realize the presence of the Lord - who offers to walk with us to work through all that dirt, who promises the fruit of that Spirit if we turn our eyes from our numbing routines and re-direct ourselves, instead, to discovering a greater intimacy with the Lord and His Spirit. 

Sometimes, it's that first step - just awareness. Awareness that you HAVE the fruits of the Spirit! No you won't always feel it, no it won't always be evident; but when you are aware that these things DO reside in you:

love - joy - peace - forbearance - kindness - 
goodness - faithfulness - gentleness - and self control.

There is then an eagerness to respond. No, I might not feel peace right now - but you know what, I DO have peace. I may fail every day to practice self control, but I DO have self-control. I will fall short in extending love, kindness, and gentleness to myself and others; but I DO have love and kindness and gentleness. 

I DO have these things, for these are the fruits of the Spirit which reside in ME! I am aware of these fruits and I claim these fruits. I am aware that greater intimacy with the Lord allows me to better respond to these fruits in my life, and for others to see them too; so Lord create a response in me. 

I dare you to practice awareness - to stop placing God in a box or a routine. To extend your prayers past meal times and bed time, and communicate with the Lord throughout the entire day. Be aware of His all-encompassing presence within your daily, menial tasks. Respond to the fruits of the Spirit, for God is yearning for you to experience their sweetness.

The Baylor Bubble

Well, it's official. I am done with undergraduate classes...forever. I could not have spent my last semester a better way. I had the opportunity to do an independent study with my professor/mentor, Dr. Horton, in Cross-Cultural Ministry specific to Hong Kong. My last official assignment was a reflection paper on my time here. I was able to write all that I have experienced, and it finally hit me how much I have learned through this time and how grateful I am that the Lord opened up this opportunity for me to live in Asia the last 5 months.

Believe it or not, I have actually formed a new appreciation for American culture while being here in Hong Kong. Now let me give some background on this. I've been SO extremely blessed to be able to travel. Most, if not all, of my trips had been so incredible that I had slowly grown a discontent towards America and a negative perspective of the American mentality. With that, came a gradual preference towards international people and traditions and a disgust towards domestic occurrences and what they call "wealthy Americans." I was hit with a HUGE smack of culture shock when I came back from the jungle of Costa Rica to the campus of Baylor University - the land of Mercedes and name-brands. I'll admit I fell into this negativity towards the wealth that is so evident at our private, Christian university. So then I got stuck in a real big rut, when I then started forming these judgments against others who felt called to ministry! (I know I'm completely absurd and a broken human being). I remember sitting in Spanish Ministry class when our professor asked us all what we envisioned for our future. I'm going to say about 95% of the class said they felt called to global missions. Our professor then launched into a lecture about how the modern generation feels that in order to be the most "righteous" Christian they must travel to Africa and work with orphans. Yet, as the owner of her own non-profit ministry, she emphasized how nothing could be done for the Kingdom without the support and experience of those in business, the medical field, education, etc. etc. That while being a missionary was a noble and just call, it was not the only profession that could bring glory to God - and that bringing glory to the Kingdom REQUIRED so many other professions and skills.

Okay I am TOTALLY sidetracking from how I envisioned this blog. Why do I do that? I can't help but think about my favorite line from the women's conference a couple weekends ago: "If the Bible was written by women it would be a WHOLE lot thicker" haha, it is just sooo true.

I'm bringin it back. So this growing judgment towards wealth and the narrow-minded view of righteousness had slowly seeped into my life. A lot of times when I feel the Lord directing me a certain way, I don't necessarily sense a call to one area but I moreso feel a deep sense of discontent in the opposite arena. One day, walking on campus, I just had this huge burden of discontent that I could NOT stay here (at Baylor). I sort of considered the thought ridiculous considering it was October and I was graduating in May - so what other options did I have?! I was going to be on campus. But of course - the Lord always makes the ridiculous possible.

In its service to the Church, Baylor's pursuit of knowledge is strengthened by the conviction that truth has its ultimate source in God and by a Baptist heritage that champions religious liberty and freedom of conscience.

The next thing you know I'm in Hong Kong. Okay, it wasn't that simple or easy - and actually through that complex process I learned that doing the Lord's will is NOT always easy and it doesn't always just fall into place - but for the sake of this already being too long I'll just leave it at that. What's funny, is that my time in HK has created this deep appreciation for Baylor and all that was and is Baylor. While I have loved Asia and HK, I'll admit that the academic side has been a little bit disappointing for me - class style is just SO different then what I am used to: 3 hours/class, once/week, lecture based, and no conversation. I've truly missed the classes I had at Baylor - being in the ministry program and having professors that were not just my superiors, but my mentors and friends; having classmates who encouraged me in my faith and inspired me to grow in righteousness; being surrounded by supervisors and administration who loved Jesus and prayed over work, tests, and classes.

I realized - the good ol Baylor Bubble really is a rarity. Not only compared to universities in other parts of the world, but even within the States. So many universities have the name "Baptist" or "Christian" but have lingered away from that label as many professors and students do not even proclaim the faith, or might "believe" and put up a piece of Scripture or two on a facebook status, but have never known an intimate, personal relationship with Christ. When I talk about my university to people here, I attribute Baylor to that "city on a hill" where majority of the people and administration are actively seeking a deeper relationship with the Lord and uplifting one another as we grow in representing the body of Christ.

Baylor holds firm to the conviction that the world needs a preeminent research university that is unambiguously Christian, where such a commitment requires scholarship and creative endeavors at the highest levels of quality to complement and inform its teaching and service. 

I look back on the last four years of college and see Baylor. I might not have been on campus the entire time, but I see the life-transformation it has created in me and the experiences it has brought me that have allowed me to experience the fullness of Christ. From that first Welcome Week as a Freshman, coming in practically as an Atheist - to rededicating my life that first semester and discovering a radical community who desired to be on fire for the Lord.

...to rushing KXA - and meeting amazing Christian women who became my closest friends, accountability partners, and awesome sense of community.

To my internship in the legislature where the Lord brought me to my breaking point; when I finally came to surrender my plans and was first called to ministry.

To study abroad in the Netherlands where I met two incredible girls who I backpacked Europe with, and the most incredible best friend/accountability partner/absolute soul mate Emily Jones.

To being accepted into the ministry program - giving me financial support, mentors, and spiritual discernment. To children's counseling and ministry internships that allowed me to grow in my understanding of real need and hurt.

To my last semester - in Hong Kong, where the Lord has taught me to love international cultures and people, but also to have a deep appreciation for America as well - for poverty AND wealth, for majority world AND first world, for the woman in the slums AND the empty sorority girl.

It's this growth that I am most appreciative of. For who are we to choose who most deserves our love and affection? For didn't the Lord transform both the crippled AND the prideful? Wasn't Paul highly regarded yet deeply broken - didn't God show us that both the poor and wealthy need Christ desperately?

I know what it is to be in need, 

and I know what it is to have plenty. 

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, 

whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Philippians 4:12

As I journey into this next stage called the "real world" I find hope and security in the lessons of the Lord. Yet in this moment, I am most grateful for Baylor and the "Baylor Bubble" a university that really has acted as a training ground - with a mission to build up disciples to share the love of Christ in all the days that follow graduation and the years that form the rest of our lives.

At Baylor, we celebrate our distinctive place in higher education - where research, scholarship and faith guide the mind in understanding the complex diversity of God's creation and prepare the whole person for service and leadership.

My Mind is an Ocean

...And I'm drowning. I haven't written in a few weeks probably because I felt like my thoughts were all over the place. Throughout my time in China I felt like I was having all these awesome revelations, then I went to the women's conference and had even more revelations, and THEN it seemed like little by little I started having revelations that went AGAINST my first revelations - understanding that disproved what I had first believed.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;  
perplexed, but not driven to despair.
 2 Corinthians 4: 8

I guess that's what makes growth so complicated sometimes, that when you do ask the questions and do seek to find answers there are often times conflicting theories that bring up valid points or further questions that lead you into the inevitable conclusion that "there is no clear-cut answer." So, to be honest - that's why I haven't written in awhile. Too afraid that I might give some type of extreme opinion, only to formulate a completely different one the next day. As I was walking and thinking ABOUT thinking...I realized it is easy to give up in the conquest of knowledge. After all, I actually enjoy thinking about theology or philosophy and even I feel discouraged again and again when it leads to nothing or the most common conclusion - complete confusion, more confusion than when you even started! Despite this frustration, I realized that even mundane, everyday life brings the growing pains that come from seeking the Lord. When it gets hard do we just give up on the quest? Don't we often feel like if we don't have everything sorted out and clarified in our head then it's best to say nothing at all? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to advocate everyone just blurting out whatever comes to mind without thoroughly thinking about their thought or belief, but I think we often allow the scale to tip too far to the side of never saying anything at all in fear that we might be proved wrong, or even worse..prove our own ignorance.

I can't help but think about the game Mafia. You know those people in Mafia who just talk up a storm trying to pick people's brains to decipher who is the killer? It's always these people (the ones who talk a lot) who eventually dig themselves into becoming the target and get killed off quickly. I'll admit, I'm one of these types. Then on the opposite end, you have those people who don't say much because even if they might know who the killer is, they've lost their train of logic and don't feel they can verbalize to the group what they are thinking and so they just keep quiet. Eventually, these people also get killed off because they are just "too" quiet. BUT who had more fun playing the game?! I mean, of course I'm going to claim the talkative one has more fun because I am one of these people...but really, what fun is it sometimes if you opt to just sit through accusations because you fear being able to accurately communicate your opinion?

The more talkative one isn't any less ignorant than the silent one, and I would bet that majority of the times the silent one probably outlives the talkative one - but it's the opinions of the talkative one who gets the townspeople thinking and helps them decipher the logical breakdown of who may be the killer.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, 

insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
2 Corinthians 12:10

So yes, okay I just made an analogy to a game - but isn't this sort of like life as well? I absolutely respect that some are more quiet than others, and of course that is necessary and beautiful (Imagine a life full of Jim Careys, overwhelming indeed!) but what I have seen is how people become especially silent when it comes to the things that are most important - like the truth of the Gospel and the love of Jesus Christ. As I journey through this road of drawing into greater intimacy with the Lord, I realize more and more just how broken I am. I continually fall into struggles of perfectionism, selfishness, judgements, and negativity; but as a Christian I am not perfect, I am merely forgiven. So while I may not have it all figured out, in fact as I certainly do not have it all figured out, I will continue to tell others my revelations in hope that through my external thought process, while not all put together or even understandable at times, the Holy Spirit may pick out words or phrases and communicate to someone in a unique way that draws them into a greater curiosity and a greater love for the Lord. Even if this means greater persecution or critiques from those who may think differently, that is okay - for as Christians we should expect persecution not shrink our beliefs in order to avoid it.

No I don't have the right words all the time, no I'm not any more worthy than others to receive the love of Christ, and yes I am continually awe-struck how the Lord would pour out such mercy on a broken being like me. But in surrender I desire to lift my life, body, and mouth to the Lord to use it for the Kingdom sake, and if there is one thing I wish not to shrink away from it's from making the Lord's name known in a world that continues to be so unknown.

"Man, I hate my disobedience always second guessing GOD,
When he tell me share my Faith,
Now I gotta question that,
Then I end up reasoning myself out of sayin' somethin',
Now the opportunity is gone cause I ran from it."

- Move, by Flame

An Eastern Embrace

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 
1 Corinthians 10:13

Hong Kong is really beginning to feel like home. There was a specific moment when I realized this actually. It was the day we took our flight out to the Philippines. As we sat on the bus I looked out at the water and mountains with the city skyscrapers in the back and realized I was falling in love with Hong Kong. Its an incredible place, and there is for sure no other place like it. Hong Kong has all you could ever want - the city with all it's entertainment, the peace of the mountains, and the breeze of the sea. 

After I came back from the Philippines, I lost sight of that moment when crossing the bridge. Fortunately, the feelings that washed over me that day have been restored, and I've been using this renewed excitement to embrace the Eastern traditions of this city.

To foreground my first experience with the practice of mindfulness, I have to get a little vulnerable. For those of you who know me, you might know that I struggled with depression on and off for a couple of years. It was nothing major, but both a genetic and habitual reaction and something I battled. I have perfectionist tendencies, and I can be impatient and hard-headed. The Lord's delivered me a long way from these things, but I rest in the truth that working through issues like these is a continual process that requires a lot of work and can sometimes feel like a get up - fall down - get up - fall down process. You're always your harshest critic, but I'll admit that there are times that I feel too tired to get back up. Sometimes I allow myself to fall into complacency and those are the moments that scare me the most - because God doesn't promise us ease or lack of troubles, but he does promise that He will guide us and strengthen us as we battle and fight the way He has commanded us to.

So this is where I want to apologize. I want to say sorry for any time that I have presented a sugar-coated Gospel, talking only of the peace and joy and happiness that comes from the Lord and acting as if the Christian life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. It is far from that. In fact, it's extremely difficult and I, like everyone, have hurts and weaknesses that sometimes feel unbearable. There are times that I feel overcome with grief, sadness, loneliness, and all around hurt. Yet even Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, and the most beautiful truth is that He understands our temptations and shortcomings! We all have them, and while the church has made such topics taboo - real Christians struggle with real issues like pornography, depression, greed, pride, low body image, alcoholism, and a number of other things. The point I'm trying to make, is that the church shouldn't be what we fear in these moments of hardship, it should be the place and people we feel most safe to run to - but are they? I'll be the first to admit that I can be a hypocrite. When I face a problem I just want to talk to someone who I know won't judge me and will listen and sit with me in my hurt. Yet when others come to me in the same context I am often the first to aim at a quick fix and tell them they need simply to lift their burdens to God and everything will be okay. Now, yes of course in Christian discipleship we should point others to Jesus - but let's face it, life hurts sometimes (a lot of times) and when there is an issue or a temptation sometimes it requires a long time to overcome. So telling someone to put a quick band aid on a huge wound is not meeting that persons real need, which is long-term, daily, continual rehabilitation. 

All that said, I've become more aware of those people in my life who know my deepest issue and who have said the quick "I'm praying for you" (so many thoughts on this line but I'll bite my tongue) and those who have actually walked with me through it. I remember specifically sitting in the kitchen of my little one-bedroom apartment, crying to my mom about hurt and depression. "I just want to move to China and live with monks on a mountain or something," and my mom saying "Sarah you could move to the jungle and live with monkeys for all I care, I just want you happy." Who would have thought that two and a half years later here I am learning the art of meditation in China. That's right, this morning I had my first go at meditation with my new "teacher," Wendy. By the time I had finished I had lost feeling in my hands and felt incredibly relaxed. This art which Wendy calls "mindfulness" is a way of focusing on the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. The simple act of focusing on your breath is actually not so simple at all. I realized that there are many times that we are told to meditate; whether it be with Scripture, a decision, or in devotion, but many of us have not actually been taught this skill. You see I'm a thinker and a planner, and those things combined can lead to a very-easily distracted devotional time. For this reason I often have to journal my prayers or highlight Scripture to tune my focus. Yet there are many times that I still fall into distraction or allow myself to cut my time short because of alllll the things I have to do that day (lousy excuse). So I feel that learning the art of meditation and the skill of focusing on here and now - will actually allow me to better dwell in the Spirit of the Lord and live each day, listening and submitting to Him. 

Wendy encouraged me to begin practicing meditation for at least 5 minutes a day, and assured me that it would not come easily - that it requires a long period of time to form the habit and master the skill...Hm sounds a lot like what is needed in overcoming weakness and fighting temptation. After meditating, I decided to go on a run in the park. (I'm really happy my hobby is running because it's incredible what you learn about a culture simply by visiting a park. As I passed people doing their Tai Chi, old women sweeping the pathway in their traditional hats and bamboo brooms, and an old man meditating by a tree I realized there is much to learn from Eastern practices. Our Western culture, which emphasizes efficiency, future goals, schedules, and independence, when taken too far, can cheat us out of many beautiful things - like the simple act of being, the experience of right now, the unity of family, and life outside of a clock. How much do we allow our cultural ideologies to effect our relationships? Efficiency doesn't always allow for helping someone on the side of the road; future goals can distract us from life here and now; schedules may not allow for last-minute late night chats; and independence leads us to consider surrendering to others a sign of weakness. Take that to the Christian life, and these types of Western ideologies can sometimes cause us to feel like failures if we're not healed the next day, still struggling with an issue that we've been lifting up in prayer for years, or not experiencing "success" as defined by the world. It may do us good to learn of traditional Eastern practice, which teaches one to slow down, to focus on the simple act of breathing, and to just be. Maybe it's not a matter of East vs. West, "us" vs "them," "right" vs "wrong," maybe God intended us to learn from one another. While I am here, I look forward to learning Eastern traditions and teaching Western ones. It's this mutual partnership that can lead to a strengthening of the church and believers, and I'm excited to be a part of that.  

Revelation in the Philippines

I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm no longer in the Philippines. All day Monday I felt completely heartbroken and really had to pray over this heavy complacency that I faced when coming back to Hong Kong. It's nice to be back home in some sense, it's definitely more comfortable here...but what did anyone ever gain from being comfortable? I'm still working through and reflecting on all that I saw and experienced in the Philippines and I suppose that's why I've put off this blog post, in fear that I make a conclusion on something without thorough contemplation. This is a common problem of mine, wanting to think myself to death until answers are unveiled, only to find that with many things in life and faith there simply are no answers. Do we find contentment in that or do we lose ourselves in the constant strive for enlightenment? Either way, I'll include the cautionary statement that these thoughts/conclusions I dialogue on are a mere reflection of Gods revelation in this season and place. Maybe one day they'll serve as a testimony to how naive and ignorant I was, maybe they'll act as evidence to a prophetic moment, or maybe they'll be nothing at all - and I'm okay with that. 

So the Philippines! I'll save you the details or else we'll all be grey and bored to tears by the end of it. The first few days were your typical vacation, r&r kind of days. The Philippines boasts an impressive show for tourists - clear, turquoise waters and white sand beaches. A tropical paradise that quickly transitions to slums, rickety tricycles, and foul smells as soon as you step away from the tourist scene. It's within those slums and the authentic culture of the Philippines that God hit me with revelation after revelation, and since these were my big take aways I'll take this entry from that angle.

Revelation One: Evangelism isn't scary. In ministry, I've always been one to lean more on the deed end of things than the word (surprising I know since I can babble). I've always believed in a relational approach to sharing the Gospel. Through meeting the physical and relational needs of an individual, God will open a door to meet the spiritual need in time. I still agree with this approach on a broader basis, but I realized taking a "one approach only" mentality was a close-minded way of going about things. For a few days, I was blessed to stay with the Bautistas, two national missionaries who lead YWAM Bohol with a focus in mercy ministry. In our initial correspondence, I asked whether there was any way I could prepare for serving with them - but I was given little information and concluded that I would jump in with an open-mind and flexibility. So the first night that I arrive, Ate Nene ("Ate" is a term of respect, addressed to someone like an older sister), sat me down and ran over what we'd be doing. First item on the agenda - evangelizing in the park. Immediately, the image of someone standing on a podium shouting to a crowd that they need Jesus or be eternally damned popped into my mind, and my thoughts began to scheme of any way I might be able to get out of this terrifying situation. By the end of the day, I realized just how silly this immense fear had been. Evangelism really should be called "Talking to People," because really it's as simple as that. Ate Nene would sit next to a girl and watch her kids play with the pigeons, and before you knew it she had struck up a casual conversation. She would invite me over to talk with them, and when introducing her family and life - the Lord would come up, because of course - He is at the center of her life. BOOM, first person we talk to asks if she could visit our church, which led to Ate sharing the Gospel, which led to me praying over her. It was totally natural and I realized that evangelism is nothing but intentionally talking to people. It's not about going out hunting or making an uproar or condemning others, it's simply planting the seed and trusting that God will lead the rest. We talk and talk about being disciples of Christ within the confines of our homes and small groups, but when do we actually go OUT to BE disciples? If we're not spreading the Gospel, then what are we doing? 

Revelation Two - America is a third-world country. No, I haven't gone crazy. America may be materially rich, but it is extremely spiritually poor. It's all about how you define "blessings," and if we are to think in a Heavenly perspective then America is further off than many majority world countries. You see, the most impoverished places like the Philippines, Africa, India, Haiti - seem to have nothing, yet many believers in these nations are overflowing with the joy of the Spirit. Their reward awaits in heaven, while our material possessions will be nothing but dust. I've personally experienced churches that are ON FIRE for Christ while worshiping in a room of a mall, or in a wooden shack, or under a black stretched out garbage bag. I've met indigenous pastors who not only preach, but go out as missionaries, maintain their own farms, and run every single Bible study in the church while they live off a dime. In the Philippines, I got to go to a prayer meeting with the Bautistas at their church. Although the people of the Philippines speak mostly Tagali, they conduct praise & worship in English. I was hit with the power of the Holy Spirit that night as a group of the church youth came together and were literally overflowing with a passion for the Lord. After worship, each student went through their analysis of the passage on being the light of the world and the salt of the Earth - a part of Scripture so appropriate for what I was witnessing. After praying over specific needs within the church, a group of girls approached me. They stood around and asked me intentional questions about who I was and what I liked to do, making me feel genuinely welcomed. It wasn't until after the service that Ate Nene told me that the youth were all orphans. I couldn't believe it! Here I am thinking I was going to come and serve and pour into the local community, but in all actuality they were the ones who were pouring into me. Orphans who had experienced past neglect and abuse were being lights of the world to the foreigner in their midst. America may be "rich" but how powerful is our light, really?

Revelation Three: Suffering is a privilege. This particular line was underlined in the devotional book of Jasmine, one of the youngest kids at the orphanage I stayed at for the remainder of my week. Jasmine sat next to me in church one evening and I couldn't help but peak at her Bible and devotional book that were both marked to the core with underlines and circles. As we split off into prayer partners I stayed with little Jasmine thinking I would take the lead. We had been commissioned to pray over the nations and so I started us, trying to keep things short and simple so she could understand with the language and age difference. I ended with "amen" and immediately Jasmine took off into a passion-filled prayer in Tagali. I didn't understand it all but did catch the words "Ate Sarah," "China," "North Korea" "United States".... I'll admit that I opened my eyes in disbelief as Jasmine squeezed her lids in passion and prayed over the nations in the name of Jesus. It was then that I realized that these kids were being trained to be disciples - and THEY (not you or me) were the ones who would eventually reach the community for Christ. It was a beautiful experience to see the fruit that came from suffering. As me and all the kids piled into the trunk bed for the drive home, they continued to worship the entire ride home. Literally, it was a moving choir driving through the underdeveloped streets of the Philippines. I looked around to find some kids with their eyes closed in praise, others smiling with joy, and others staring outside in reverence. I joined along, so overcome with their contagious passion for the Lord. Halfway home, one of the boys yelled to me "Ate!" "yes?" "I used to live there" (of course I naively ask) "where?" (expecting some specific location to be pointed out) "There" pointing directly to the street. I didn't say anything. I was lost in the testimony of these kids' lives who had been on the streets struggling every day just to survive - yet sat before me with faith that I had never witnessed before. It made Jasmine's devotional come alive - for if suffering leads to the overflow of Christ's love like displayed in the kids of the orphanage - then Lord bring me suffering. 

Revelation Four - Authentic beauty is found WITHIN people. I've had incredible opportunities to experience other cultures. I've seen the Colosseum in Rome, the rolling hills of Tuscany, the jungles of Costa Rica, and the temples of China. Each experience was unique and beautiful but it was the people apart of it that really created each memory. It is so necessary to take a relational approach to everything, including your travels. It would be easy to go somewhere and use the culture for your own gain - to swim in the water, to hike the mountains, to snap photos of historic buildings - but if you limit it to that, you'd be missing out on a lot. It's the people of that culture who can teach you how to see things outside of yourself, to mature you in wisdom and empathy, to reveal the diversity of Gods greatest creation - mankind, made in His very image. 

Like I said in the beginning, there's still a lot of things I'm working through - how to go about ministry to those materially poor, how to love those who do not realize they are poor, how best to do overseas missions, and where the Lord wants to use me. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts. Okay, maybe more than just "sometimes." I suppose that's the most wonderful part of life though - that in walking each day with the Lord there never fails to be new revelation and growth in understanding, not only of this world but of the character of God. The key is not to give up. Not to feel like there will ever be a time that you will "get it" all. Not to stop exploring and seeking and thirsting for more. Through this holy pursuit - the Lord will guide us on a journey that is better than we could imagine. 

True Love

What a beautiful holiday that we designate to celebrate love. The past few days, I have been thinking about love and all of the dynamics that go along with the four letter word. After a morning of ministry in the slums of the Philippines I came home to read some beautiful words from my Valentine. I'll embarrassingly admit that I was in the middle of a journal entry which began to record the events of the day and this sweet moment from my valentine when I detoured to pour out my thoughts on love and the true love that is found only in the most amazing lover - my Lord Jesus Christ. Before I share my journal thoughts I do want to say what a beautiful experience it is to be in a relationship with someone who loves the Lord and desires to lead us in a life of righteousness. It is only because of his love for the Lord that he is able to treat me like the Lord intended all women to be treated - like true princesses. Ladies - never accept anything less.

Okay so thoughts on love. Something that has really been on my mind and heart the past few days is the notion of love which stands as the greatest commandment. I realized that at times I run from love or pick and choose those who I feel deserve my love (or at least I know that's what my actions show). I kept thinking about a conversation I had with a local about choosing my next step in life and wanting to be career minded when she interrupted me and told me in broken English "relationship is always better." Doh - ouch. It's a truth I know but am scared to submit to. I'm like that with everything though. On a wider scheme I'm one who prefers a clear task to accomplish, a capable end goal in sight, and a predictable schedule so I can be ready and in complete control of everything. Yet this is contrary to the greatest commandment - where God calls and demands that we first and foremost, love. He calls us to relationship even if that means allowing vulnerability, facing rejection, and being unprepared because you don't know what lies ahead. So then that made me think - the greatest commandment is not just for the receiver but also for the sender. Love can be such a scary and unpredictable thing that sometimes we're forced to rely on Him to do it. Take it a step further and think about those who are difficult to love, those who have abused your love, those whose love you have lost. For me and for many Christians, sometimes its those who may not be what we stereotype as "needy" who are harder to love. We are eager to serve orphans in Africa while we turn our noses to the ghettos in our very backyard. We are quick to make relationships on a one week mission trip but get stuck in our Bible studies and Christian concerts back home and never go OUT of the Christian bubble. We quickly judge those who are materially rich but overlook the fact that they are completely spiritually impoverished (this could be a whole other entry for me so I'll just keep it at that for now). (disclaimer: I'm all for small groups and Christian fellowship, but I do think we need to evaluate the distribution of our time).

Okay back to love -

Sometimes, our society makes love seem like it's such an easy and simple thing. "I'm a lover not a fighter," "Peace and Love," "My love don't cost a thing" (Had to throw that last one in there) - BUT the truth is, love isn't simple and it surely isn't easy, and if it were then it wouldn't be real love!

But I have Good News. I just so happen to be in love with the Creator of Love. Yup, it's true. And He is the most Divine Lover who has given to me a love deeper than human affection or roller-coaster feelings. It's a love that brings life in abundance, peace in all circumstances, and joy even in suffering. It's only through this love that I can love at all, and I fail at that all the time as a broken human being. But I do hope and pray that in all my relationships there will be a continual submission to Gods love so that we can let go of the lies of the world; which tell us that love is mushy-gushy feelings, physical passion, strong attraction, or even common hobbies. If you notice, the similar trend of all those things is that they all change and can all be lost. (No wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce!) In contrast, when we see love as God intended it to be - as a holy commandment that requires deep commitment, genuine loyalty, humble sacrifice, and a servants attitude then we see how the Lord wants to use love and relationship as a way to grow us more into His image. In that case, love to God, to self, and to others is far from easy, but its a long-term process that requires one to daily die to self for the sake of the Lord and for others. Love then becomes not about self-gain or fleeting feelings, but about sacrifice and submission - like the greatest act of love found when Jesus took on the sins of man and died an excruciating death, being crucified on the cross and resurrected three days later so that we may be reconciled to God. Phew - How much more beautiful is this love then the love prescribed to us by man?

Father, I pray that You will plant within us a desire to love the way You crafted us to love. I pray that others will feel Your holy love poured out from those who know You so that they can get a taste of true love and hunger for more. Lord, I ask that You will use the commandment to love as a way of instilling in us the sacrifice, servitude, and commitment that it requires in relationship and within the path of righteousness. Only You, our Great Teacher, can teach us how to love others, ourselves, and You. Break down the box that we've placed love in and restore our understanding of what love truly is and what it looks like on a daily and long-term basis. Thank You for a love so deep that human words can't describe it and that my head can't even wrap around, a love that brings us to our knees in wonderful disbelief. You are my one true love and I will celebrate this today and everyday. I pray all these things in the name of my Dearly Beloved. Amen.

Livin Like a Local

Well, I seem to be truly settling into place here in the HK; hence the reason for my non-weekly blog updates that I promised to some, my deepest apologies. It is such a good feeling to have figured out a some-what normal routine though, and I am really beginning to feel at home here. I was reminded of the importance of community within those first few weeks of scrambling, which were mixed in with an occasional bout of loneliness and culture shock that I suppose is expected when you move to the other side of the world.

I can't even remember what I covered last time so I'll just throw out random updates. KIBC has become such an awesome community for me. Every Wednesday the college group, Crosspointe, comes together for a weekly Bible study where we are currently reading through Ephesians. It's different than the small groups I'm used to back home that follow the typical structure of worship - message - discussion - prayer requests - end. Nope, we're much less formal at KIBC and Bible study is as simple as a group of people coming together, opening up the Bible, reading, and talking. What comes out of it is incredible debate and discussion over literally every single passage - what does this mean? What does your version say? What was going on at that time and where else in Scripture does it talk about this? I love the lack-of structure, it really brings out everyone's different ideas and it's incredible to hear all the different ways that people read and interpret a passage. It's a uniqueness that is often lost when we come together and are told a certain message that we are expected to understand and agree with - making groups more receptive than analytical. I'm a fan of how Crosspointe does it, despite the at times frustrating debates, I always come out of it feeling like I'm an inkling more appreciative of the diversity of Christ's body and closer to learning that my way of thinking is definitely NOT the only way of thinking, and that's a beautiful (and probably good) thing!

So people have asked me about where I've decided to get plugged in as far as ministry, and that leads me to a funny story. I told everyone that the primary reason for me coming here was not to study or travel or explore but to learn about the Asian culture and submit myself to serving the local community. This being my focus I felt pretty anxious to get plugged into a ministry right away - after all, I'm only here for 5 months and relationships don't just form over night! (Well technically they can, but you know what I mean).  So here I am being my usual self - researching ministry opportunities in the city, narrowing my church search to places that would provide an opportunity to serve, and getting frustrated when after a few weeks I was still floating, and not serving. To be honest, I heard that KIBC was very focused on ministering to international students which left me apprehensive because I wanted to be the one serving, not the one being served. HAH. Yes, this is laughable. Because how many Christian leaders take this stance and get burned out because of it? Many close to me have experienced this, as Christians who have felt called to some kind of leadership or vocational ministry we feel almost obligated to give, give, give and forget that we ourselves need to be poured into, we need to be kept accountable, and we need to be served as well. Because if not we risk the danger of burn out, passivity, increased temptations, etc.etc. I mean obviously we are still people of flesh. So then the Lord completely broke me of my arrogance, reminding me that I am most definitely not above being poured into - and I needed to take a humble position to be a servant NOT a savior. I got on my knees right then and there, and before I knew it my bed was stained with mascara - I. Was. Broken.

The beautiful thing about brokenness is the submission that follows - something I have to intentionally seek on a daily basis. For a planner like me, trust and submission is tough. Yet the Lord is faithful, and every time I submit and take a leap of faith into the unknown by trusting in His provision - the reward is so much greater than I could have imagined. Okay so to the funny part, once I surrendered my plans and said okay, if it is God's plan that this season is to be used for me to be poured into and taught then so be it! I give up my plans to find some leadership position or mission outreach on my own.

Then, BOOM.

I'm getting e-mails about serving with the children at KIBC, teaching an English Conversation under the HKBU Chaplain's Office, and potentially helping a missions coordinator at another local church. OKAY LORD I GET IT! It was never about the fact that He didn't want me to serve or wanted me to second guess my calling, it was simply surrendering my control over this ministry and allowing Him to lead me where He wanted me - in His own time, in His own way.

It's so funny, we always stress about the details. How am I going to do this? When will this happen? Where do I need to be? What do I need to be doing? How often do we stop and say, okay - I don't know but the Lord knows - and I TRUST that. When we remember to trust the unknown the Lord always faithfully works out the details for us, when we become willing!

Oh boy, I am such a wordy writer. It's kind of unfortunate because I always have so much to say but I realize most will stop after the first paragraph (if they read at all, because I myself may want to read something until I open it up to see a novel-sized entry and then move on to other things). How about I bullet proof the rest of my life updates? Everyone likes notes in this time-obsessed world (me included).

Okay, for the busy and faint of heart - here's your bullet list:
- I feel settled!
- I have an awesome church family at KIBC
- I finally went hiking! Lion Rock last weekend and Tai Mui yesterday, incredible how in HK you can be in the city one minute and the mountains and beach in another - love love love
- I had an interview to serve in the AmeriCorps this past Wednesday and it went really well :) we shall seeeeee
- A couple of churches in Fort Wayne e-mailed me about serving with them over the summer, another we shall seeeee
- Chinese New Year is in a week and I'm going to the PHILIPPINES. Hasn't hit me yet. I've officially designated it my graduation trip. We have a huge beach house. It's gon be fun.
- I'm going to be working with toddlers in Sunday School and excited to plug back in with kids. I think I've slowly become more uptight within my break from kids and not being able to goof around like a 5-year-old - yes, I like doing that. I'll admit it.
- I'll be teaching English conversation classes twice a week starting after Chinese New Year
- I may possibly help the missions coordinator at a church called ECC, ironically she is from TX, was an exchange student from HKBU, moved to HK and married a local, and now works as the missions coordinator for a church. Her story is so similar to mine! Except don't worry I don't think I'll marry a local - happily taken ;)
- Last but certainly not least: I miss and love everyone dearly.

Until next time - over and out.