Seek and You Will Find

So it's been awhile. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day who I hadn't talked to in about a month and I realized that all of my updates were completely opposite of what our conversation had been the time before. Time is funny. In the moment, days can sometimes fly by or drag on. Yet every time you look back you always think "man, where did the time go?" To say there have been a lot of changes in the past month would be a complete understatement. I used to think I thrive off of change... now it's starting to get a little old. Maybe I'm just getting old... Some of you probably resent me for that last line. Okay I have an old soul? Probably not even that. Okay this isn't even what this blog is about.

Back on track. I have had so many revelations the past few weeks it's crazy. I wish I could verbalize all of them in some nice bullet point list for everyone so that we could all grow together. Unfortunately, everything is already all jumbled in my mind again. I always think ah-ha! Lord, I UNDERSTAND - and then I'm onto another thought and another ah-ha moment. That's why I need to start writing things down again. I journal but this is just easier. Typing - much less tiresome and it seems it comes out more detailed.

Okay, if you are still reading this blog I applaud you because I probably would have given up on me along time ago because this is just a mess of sidetracks.

WELL, I just want to say that I really enjoy friendship. Just thinking about friendship - old friends and brand new ones - truly warms my heart. It's so clear to me that the Lord designed us to be in community. It's an inherent comfort for all of us to be genuinely loved and cared for by another human being. I love the friendships that just immediately click. The unique people that just bring out the best in you and who you feel you are better around. Last night, as I sat around the table with new friends Carrie and Dave on our new weekly dinner tradition I realized that they are true gifts! People who I am able to comfortably talk about discipleship and evangelism - who can question together what that looks like - and genuinely listen and respect each others' viewpoints. It was just beautiful y'all! Such a wonderful moment of experiencing the body of Christ in that little kitchen in Warsaw, IN.

So I realized that I have been chewing on something for the past several weeks and I finally feel compelled to share because...well, I just do. In the midst of major life decisions - career, relationship, recovery, location...okay wow basically any major decision you have to make I had to make the past few weeks so no wonder this was on my mind. So I was thinking about my ministry class and our discussion on the three different approaches to discerning God's will.

Okay friends. Yes, the topics of predestination and free will are messy topics. So does that mean we should never talk about them? Definitely not. On the contrary, I think it's really important that all believers actively evaluate what they believe on this topic because it influences your daily life and your major decisions A LOT. I also realized that majority of people don't necessarily get the opportunity to sit through a ministry class that challenges them to think through these things, so here we go - welcome to class.

Three Approaches (generalized definitions don't quote me on these):
1. Wisdom Approach - Basically leaves us on your own to make God-honoring decisions based off of the Bible and seeking wise counsel from others.
2. Specific-Will Approach - A popular choice of modern churches, this shifts the workload to the Lord who has determined our precise path - and all we have to do is find it.
3. Relationship Approach - This recognizes that God is intimately involved in our lives and yet limits his control in such a way that requires us to take responsibility for decisions. He provides us guidance while in relationship with us to be able to make decisions that will be God-honoring.

So what do you believe?

The tricky part: all of these approaches have Scripture to back them up. The other tricky part: certain ideology has been engrained in those of us who grew up in the church. In fact, our Sunday School lesson for the pre-schoolers this past Sunday was "God has a unique plan for your life." I sat there and watched as all the kids repeated that lesson. Unfortunately, I couldn't repeat it with them.

I think of it in regards to the crucifixion - God's sovereign plan was to send His son to die on the cross and be raised from the grave the third day. That was going to happen, that was set from the beginning of time. But was Peter chosen before birth to be the one who walked on the water? Was Paul pre-destined to oppose Jesus only to be transformed later on the road to Damascus? Or did the Lord allow those things to happen as circumstances unveiled and He saw that the Kingdom could be glorified through that?

I'm not telling you to think either which way. To be honest, I have at one point in my life believed all three of these approaches. Either way though, it is good to pray and discern what you believe because it will majorly influence your decisions and how you respond to others' advice as well. Unfortunately, when others tell me "If you guys break up it's okay because the Lord is just bringing you closer to the person He has chosen for you," well I'd have to disagree...because I don't think it works that way. I could tell you all my beliefs, but let's face it this blog is already long and jumbled and most of you are probably already lost.

Moral of the story is - don't run from the things that scare you. Yes, theology can be overwhelming - but does that mean we shouldn't seek to grow in our understanding? Yes, evangelism can be scary and uncomfortable - does that mean we shouldn't spread the Gospel? Yes, vulnerable relationships can hurt you but does that mean we should never let others in? We will never understand everything, and at some point or another we will probably stand more as barriers to the Gospel then pathways - but that doesn't mean God wants us to stand paralyzed. Keep on keeping on, challenge your mind, and seek His face - for those who ask it will be given and for those who seek will find.

 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.

Joy in Uncertainty

It’s funny when we reflect on the past isn’t it? I was thinking about how much my life and circumstances have evolved and changed. If you told me last year that I would be living in Indiana and working at a homeless shelter I probably would have laughed. If you told me that over that year I would study in Hong Kong, visit an orphanage in the Philippines, backpack China with my sister, and maintain a long-distance relationship through it all – I probably would have laughed even more.

When I think about that, the fact that I would have NEVER guessed or even imagined what the Lord had in store for me last year I am reminded how God’s plans are so above my own. I like to think I can plan my whole life out. I like to think I can conquer this imaginary timeline of when I’m supposed to have what in my life. I like to think I can figure it all out and make the world believe I have it all together.

 

That's probably the funniest part!

The other night I was lying on the floor of my room and it struck me that I was really confused. I was reminded that I really don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t even understand myself a lot of the time – my up and down emotions, fleeting thoughts, and changing desires. In conclusion, I don’t know much of anything at all.

But my God is the God of the universe! We say this a lot, but really. The UNIVERSE. I remember learning about the universe in school and always feeling frustrated that I couldn’t wrap my head around the speed of a light-year or the size of a supergiant star. Our brains aren’t even capable of understanding the elements of God’s creation. We can grow in understanding, can learn the stories of the Bible and experience God’s love and grace – but let’s face it, we'll never fully understand the magnitude of God’s sovereignty. And the thing is, we're not created to. That's the beautiful design of the universe and the earth and all that lives within it, it is forever under the rule of it's Creator.

 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the
purpose of the Lord  that will stand. Proverbs 19:21
 

It is good for me to stop and to remember the reality of this. We always say “God’s plan is so much bigger than our own” but really – there is so much truth in that. When it comes down to it, this life is not about me or what I desire. I can barely guess what tomorrow holds or the next year, much less the rest of my life.

 

We sure do like to try and figure it out though, don’t we? I wonder if God laughs at how much we exhaust ourselves to figure out something we do not even control. I laugh at myself when I realize just how silly that is.

So I surrender. To His plans which are so above my own. To His sovereign knowledge. To His love that overcomes and His power that triumphs. I may know nothing, but I know a God who knows all  – and that truth brings joy and victory in every uncertainty.

 

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty,
for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you
are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all.
In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to
give strength to all. 1 Chronicles 29:11-12

Devotion to Uniqueness

I like to please people. I thrive off of the approval of others. I say my love language is words of affirmation, but I realize I often rely on that affirmation to feel worthy or successful. I pinch and poke at myself wanting to have the body I'm told I should have. I strive to figure out Scripture and what it means so I can have some logical breakdown of exactly how I should behave.

So I have these tendencies. After being back in America for two months, I'm reminded how much stronger these tendencies become here. The thing is - I've had this realization before. It's not something new or shocking, I knew this would happen. I expected it. So why am I finding myself still falling into this? I'm slowly falling back into the person I used to be - obsessed with physical appearance, comparing myself to every other person in the room, envying others for what they have, and allowing greed to convince me that I want and need more, more, more.

I could probably blame a lot of external factors for all of these shortcomings. I could easily blame Pinterest for envy, American media for greed, and Facebook for social comparison. I could blame the church for emphasizing teachings on prosperity and peace; and abandoning teachings on fear and judgment. I could blame the people around me for falling into the same things, for not pushing one another more fiercely towards Christ, for not inspiring me to change.

I could blame a lot of things, but the truth is it's me.

It is true that what we allow into our lives can deeply influence how we behave, how we speak, what we think, and what we will become. Ultimately though, we choose what we allow - we choose what we submit to - and we choose what we dedicate our lives to.

That's when I came to Romans 12, what did my version of the Bible decide to title this morning's reading? Just happened to be "Dedicate Your Lives to God." I would suggest everyone go and read this chapter. It is just good. It is just so so good. And I was reminded in this piece of Scripture how fleeting our lives are and the world that we live in - and how eternal God's word is. You guys! His word stays the same now and forever. In a world that is always changing, with technology that moves frighteningly fast, 24 hour news covering changes that happen every minute, and fashion that evolves with every season - we can't comprehend a God and His promises that are never-changing, permanent, and eternal. I know I can't comprehend it.

"Don't become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think." Romans 12:2

I wish I could give you some cool quote on how many times the Bible says "change the way you think" but I can't. All I know is I seem to run into it quite a bit. We are told to live apart from the world - so why are we striving to please it? WHY the heck am I wasting my time and energy trying to figure out the best exercises to get perfect inner thighs and the best products for perfect-looking hair? Don't get me wrong, I believe in self-care...but let's be real, we spend wa-hay too much time on this stuff. This stuff that is just SO fleeting, of NO worth to God, and not affecting ANYONE but yourself.

So maybe it's time to start paying more attention to God's word, let's see what Romans 12 says:

"I ask you not to think of yourselves more highly than you should." (v. 3)

"Don't be lazy in showing your devotion. Use your energy to serve the Lord." (v. 11)

"Don't think that you are smarter than you really are." (v. 16)

"Focus your thoughts on things that are considered noble." (v. 17)

Hm. You know, the saddest part for me in all of this is not necessarily over-consumption or materialism or obsession with physical appearance. I guess the saddest part is that we have allowed this world to brainwash us into thinking there are only certain kinds of worth. We degrade ourselves because we believe certain things are better to have than others. The man who owns a large home is more successful than the one who humbly leads a large family. The woman who owns the best brands and high-end items is "better off" than the woman who can knit and create her own clothes. The student who earns a PhD is more intelligent than the one who dropped out of school to master their artwork or music.

The thing is - never in Scripture are we told that certain gifts are better than others. On the contrary, we are told that we are one body. We are to cherish each others gifts, not judge some as better than others.

"Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other.

God in his kindness gave each of us different gifts." (v. 5)

"Be devoted to each other like a loving family.

Excel in showing respect for each other." (v. 10)

I'm so bad at appreciating the diversity of God's body. I so badly want to have one formula for how to be, one formula for how to do things. The fact that there are so many different types of people and ways to do life poses an additional challenge for us as believers. We are not to expect others to be gifted in the way that we deem admirable. Likewise, we are not to place an expectation on ourselves to fit the mold of what others place on us. In both ways I fall short.

This morning I was reminded. I was reminded that I am not here to dedicate my life, my time, my energy to the world. I am here to dedicate my life to God and with that comes the devotion to the unique gifts that God has given me and devotion to uplifting others in the unique gifts given to them. So let's not cut ourselves short, expecting each other to fit into one similar mold. That's boring anyway; and I think if you were to look at God's creation - His crafting of diverse people groups, thousands of unique species, a majestic universe - I think you'll see that His plan was never meant to be mainstream or boring.

"If your gift is speaking what God has revealed, make sure what you say agrees with the Christian faith. If your gift is serving, then devote yourself to serving. If it is teaching, devote yourself to teaching. If it is encouraging others, devote yourself to giving encouragement. If it is sharing, be generous. If it is leadership, lead enthusiastically. If it is helping people in need, help them cheerfully." (v. 6-8)

So what are your gifts? And where is your devotion?

The Gift of Weakness

I haven't written in awhile. Figuring out this real world thing has been a challenge. The notion of time is so different than what I am accustomed to. There are so many less responsibilities to balance without school, and yet time still seems to fly by. They say the first year after graduation is the hardest, just like the first year of college was, how the first year of marriage will be. I can see the truth in that. Your whole life you are practically placed around people who are your same age, in the same life stage - you're practically handed community on a platter. But that's not the case after school, you realize that you're surrounded by people who are in completely different life stages, from different areas and backgrounds, with different beliefs and interests - it's a challenge.

All in all, I have nothing to complain about and can honestly say the first couple of months of life post-grad has been actually really wonderful! But come on, who doesn't have momentary lapses of loneliness or weakness?

So if you don't already know, I'm not a very emotional person. I consider it a curse really, because I think tears are really beautiful - a unique way to celebrate joy and true sadness, but they just don't come out of me even when I want them to. Except for the other day, while on the phone with my mother. I started venting about different things going on and opening up about my experience within this stage of transitioning. When all of a sudden, the girl who never cries starts to SOB. About what you ask? ...About the fact that I feel that I am beginning to lose my communication skills. Yes, I know - a huge tragedy indeed. Okay, it sounds completely silly BUT musicians have music, businessman have persuasion, videographers have creativity, and I have words, communication. I have always felt that writing and speaking were my gifts, the words that perfectly matched what I was thinking or feeling just came out of nowhere, naturally and easily. But the past few weeks I feel myself beginning to slip, the words just don't come, the confidence in my speech has been waning (so if this blog is completely lacking there's the reason why). And that's that. I felt God was taking away my spiritual gift, but my mom gave me a whole load of other things to think about - how maybe He is growing me in my empathy for those who struggle with words or has a different gift in store for this next stage of my life...mothers are always so good at shedding a positive light aren't they?

So then earlier today I began reflecting on the biggest weakness in my life. This is one I do not share to the world - hey we have to keep some things private! In a nutshell, it is something I have struggled with for a long time now. This weakness/struggle/whatever you want to call it is a constant source of frustration and shame and disappointment for me in my life. I have prayed and prayed for healing in this area. I have sought outside help and practiced surrender and I continue to experience this weakness. WHY. I think "God why? It would be better for You and for me to not have this struggle. It is not good. It is not righteous. It does not bring you glory. Why why why?!"

And then I decided to watch a sermon from Island ECC, my church while in Hong Kong, and I got my answer. I am going to share with you my takeaways from the message. I don't claim the words/thoughts to be my own but thought I would share because it's just too good not to.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

A lot of times we like to pick and choose what we read in the Bible and what we will apply to our lives. "I came that they may have life and have life abundantly" (John 10:10) is an easy one to grasp isn't it? How about: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," (Jeremiah 29:11)...We sure do like those. But others are a little bit more difficult aren't they? We like that His grace is sufficient, but we get to the "my power is made perfect in weakness" and we don't really like that. Because we're more prone to say "What I want you to do God, is that I want you to showcase your awesomeness in my victories. I want you to bless my life and here's the deal God - I promise to give you the glory, I'll give you all the credit. I want to win the award, get the promotion, earn the big house and at the end I promise to say 'I want to thank God..'"

...But sometimes God's like, ehhh..yeah no. Paul says "I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses." There is something about weaknesses that humbles us. That's nothing new though, we hear that all the time, right? We learn to promise that we will praise God in seasons of blessings and hardships - but what about the weaknesses that last for much longer than just a season? We hear these crazy testimonies about people who overcame tremendous things - we hear about people who were paralyzed from the neck down or lost an arm or leg and come out praising the Lord. And we applaud and say "wow, that's wonderful....for you...buuuut that's not necessarily the kind of gift I want." But wait a second, are we not told to BOAST in our weaknesses?

"Cease striving and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

We recognize our weaknesses, just like I recognize this struggle I have and I strive and I strive to get better, to pray for healing, to work and work to beat this thing - but what does the Bible say? It says to cease striving. That's not to say we are not to pray for revival in our weaknesses. On the contrary, God desires to hear from us, He desires to have us lift up our struggles - but through that we must realize that God CAN say "yes," He CAN say "not now," AND He can say "NO." Even Jesus asked God to lift the cup of suffering from him - but asked that ultimately God's will would be done. And in the end, God said "No." Because He would be most glorified through that No. God CAN showcase His power through our weaknesses, even if we would prefer He showcase His righteousness through our victories. He may choose to use sickness in my life in ways that can bring Him glory better than my health. To experience His enduring grace, the grace that is sufficient for me - learning to surrender is my best option.

So here I am. At the foot of the cross again. Daily having to choose to be here - in sickness or in health, in victory or defeat, with flowing communication or jumbled words...in everything. For God gives me what I need to endure - and if that means my weaknesses make His victory sweeter - than so be it.

A Page From My Journal

Reflection.

Thinking a lot lately about feeling discontent - already realizing I use the excuse that I "thrive off change" but maybe that's just me always running from the inevitable discontent that comes once the newness fades.

How do we discern God's will versus selfish motivations? We can so easily get caught up thinking we're somehow more "spiritual" that we slowly begin to take things back into our own hands again; and we deceive ourselves into thinking we somehow have it figured out because we are followers of God.

We must continually learn to die to ourselves. Every day. And when we finally begin to think we've mastered it - how to selflessly pursue righteousness, then we should start over again. Because we are broken and righteousness is impossible a task to master on our own, or by our own works.

So where does that leave me in the chase for contentment? It leaves me at square one. At the cross with nothing to give as God opens my eyes to see that the only good in me is from Him. It's something that can so easily be covered by my self-sufficiency and made-up self-righteousness.

For once, I'll stop dwelling on what happens next. I'll stop over-reflecting, asking WHY I feel discontent. And I'll just let go, give it to God, and move on. Focusing not on self but on dying to that self, one day at a time.

AmeriCorps, Poverty, and a Pinch of Inspiration

I am officially an AmeriCorps Vista member! After four days of training in Indianapolis me and my fellow Vistas publicly took our oath of office - the same one verbalized by the president of the United States! So official. Really though, training was such a cool opportunity to be surrounded by like-minded people who have decided to devote the next year to joining the battle against poverty in communities all over the country.

My thoughts were running wild from the start, when our first training session had us answer two simple, but difficult questions: What is poverty, and what causes poverty? As we went around the circle and all described our personal definitions of poverty and its causes, I realized that I am limited by an international mindset when it comes to poverty. I have met more people who are happy and impoverished than those who are happy and extremely wealthy. But that's not the case in America, because if you think about it, those who are in poverty in America are constantly faced with the realization that they are impoverished. Surrounded by media that defines a person's identity and value by their material possessions, disregarded by the wealthy by being labeled "lazy" or "unintelligent," discouraged by those who only see what they lack and expect nothing more of them then the situations they are currently in.


The poor in America have it rough.
So what are we doing about it?

If there is one thing I've noticed, it's our limited mindset on how we define poverty. It is easy to stereotype and judge, and that's something I understand - because I've done it. It is easy to quickly label the homeless as lazy and drunk. It is easy to judge those in poverty as uneducated, unmotivated, undetermined, and all sorts of other "un's." But it's simply not true. The fact is, there are thousands of middle-class families only a paycheck away from being considered impoverished; one of the largest populations of the homeless are our nation's veterans; and a large majority of those in poverty have master's degrees.

Poverty is so much more than just lack-of material resources. The book that best helped broaden my understanding of poverty was When Helping Hurts. It describes poverty by four broken relationships:

"Poverty of Spiritual Intimacy: denying God’s existence and authority, materialist

Poverty of Being:  having god-complexes (thinking too highly of oneself) or low self-esteem (thinking too lowly of oneself)

Poverty of Community:  self-centeredness, exploitation and abuse of others

Poverty of Stewardship:  no sense of purpose, laziness or workaholics, materialism"

  

Any of those strike a chord with you? We are all impoverished in some sense. Understanding poverty by broken relationships helps teach us how to serve others without that classic savior mentality. When it comes down to it, poverty can be defined as a mindset of hopelessness and shame that comes from lack of opportunity and a low sense of self-worth.

46 million Americans live in poverty

So I ask it again - what are we doing?

And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for

a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:23

Jesus says it will be hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom. Let's face it - that means us. Even the impoverished of America are rich by world standards. So when the members of our upper-class churches tend to lean more towards the habit of judging rather than uplifting, condemning rather than loving, critiquing negatives rather than acknowledging positives - just what are we doing?

The Lord commands us to "be angry and do not sin" (Eph 4:26). We are to be angry about the injustices of this world. That includes the orphans of third world countries, just as much as the homeless in our own backyards, welfare communities, and minorities of all kinds; groups of people we are all too often quick to condemn.

We should be encouraging, showing people their positives and building their confidence, instilling love and hope, and sharing the truth of God's grace that places a crown on us who are but dust. It is the Lord who sits on the judgment seat, not us, and for that - I am truly grateful.



My Sunshine

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl,

you are the god and the weight of her world.

So fathers be good to your daughters,

daughters will love like you do.

My dad and I used to sing a lot of songs. I'm not really sure how it all started, but we would sing old songs on our way to school, before bed, and on our many trips to the grocery store. I sang those songs to him many times after he was sick, even when he couldn't hear or understand. I refused to sing them after his death. And now I'm finally at a place where I can sing them happily with joy and remembrance.

I was always a daddy's girl. He took the term "Superdad" to a whole new level. A military veteran, hockey player, and mechanical engineer; my dad was a man. After taking an early-retirement he stepped up to become a stay-at-home dad while my mom went to work. He did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and driving for our family. Ladies, they say you tend to choose a husband who's like your father...this man has much to live up to.

I have so many memories of being daddy's little princess; everything from throwing a fit when he didn't invite me to get my mom's surprise birthday cake, to cuddling in bed with him to watch National Geographics, to having him drive all the way to school to bring me a forgotten cheerleading scrunchie. I was his baby and he was my "pilot," "policeman," "superhero" and a variety of other random nicknames I gave him. I'll admit, I was completely and utterly spoiled by him. Everyday, my dad would personally come and wake me up; I would walk out into the kitchen where my cereal, milk, and orange juice were all set out and ready for me; and then would be driven to school each and every morning. I relied on him for everything.

So at 2am on my 14th birthday, when my dad fell to the ground and experienced a major seizure right in front of me, I just lost it. I remember calling 911 as my brother held my dad and my sister stood in shock, I remember meeting the paramedics and praying all the way to the hospital. Afterwards, we were told that my dad had severe blood hemorrhaging on the left hemisphere of his brain and had to undergo emergency brain surgery. At 14, I didn't understand the magnitude of major brain surgery. It wasn't until a visit to the ICU when I saw dad with tubes and wires everywhere and his body hooked up to a machine that I realized he might never fully come back.

For two years, my dad went in and out of almost 10 rehabilitation centers. My mom and I slept in the hospital each night as dad re-learned how to breathe, talk, and eat. I could go on and on about those two years. The pure joy of watching him take his first steps after every doctor said he'd never walk again. The misery of a legal case that landed him mistakenly into a mental hospital. The responsibility of tying his arm restraints, transporting him to his wheelchair, and dressing him. The need to hold it together while everything and everyone seemed to be falling apart.

After a year and a half of rehabilitation, dad was readmitted home. I thought for a second that he might actually have a full recovery when I got off the bus and saw him standing in the front window waiting, just like he did when I was younger. He was re-admitted to the hospital after only a few months when his health began declining again. When he caught pneumonia a couple of days later, the doctors told us that he only had a few weeks - I denied it. They had said he would never walk again and look how he defied those odds. We had come so far, there was just no way. On the morning of Mother's Day I went to work and then met my mom and sister for dinner. In the middle of dinner, my mom got a call. The rest was fuzzy from there. I remember driving to the center and thinking they were wrong. My dad was a fighter, my superman, they had to be wrong. But when we walked into the room, it was obvious - he was gone. One thing that might not surprise you about me... I'm not a silent mourner. I started yelling at the nurses, why weren't they doing anything?! Call 911 - Do something! Only to find out that my mom had signed the papers "DNR" - do not resuscitate. She hadn't even talked to me about it, how could she?! I just remember screaming and screaming, realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do. Finally my sister told me to calm down and say goodbye.

The 5 stages of mourning are pretty accurate, I'm pretty sure I went through them all at one point or another. I remember the community. I remember those who brought us meals, friends who brought flowers, pastors who told us to ask for anything we might need. I'll admit I resented it all. All I could think was "you don't understand, you just don't." I remember feeling like I didn't need or want anything from anyone.

Death is a funny thing. We all know it's there. We know it will happen to all of us. Dad was a believer, and even knowing about Heaven I just couldn't handle it all. It's like we know, but we don't. We've experienced it to an extent, but it has this strange power over us all that is unexplainable. We feel like no one else in the world understands, and yet almost everyone has experienced it in some way.

In the years following my dad's death I denounced a lot of my values and beliefs almost completely. Cheerleading had taught me well how to hide my true feelings and put on a show. So when I did have sorrowful moments I think a lot of people took that as a stuck-up attitude. Maybe it was partly true, not that I thought I was better but just that I did resent a lot of those people who did have their mom and dad, while I pretended to be okay with not. I'm just now learning how many of my actions were probably me seeking to fill a void with the broken cisterns of this world rather than the living water of Christ. I didn't find the real saving grace of Jesus until my first year of college. Even then I've had ups and downs, seasons of depression, and plenty of spiritual warfare. There are still so many things I struggle with, but you know, I think I've finally reached the last stage - Acceptance.

For anyone who had the opportunity to know my dad you might notice that I am so much like him. I thirst for knowledge like his strange love affair with National Discovery, I'm an early riser, I can be weird and goofy but serious and deep, I drink a glass of water before bed every night because my dad would always make me, I like to sing even though I'm not good at it, and cuddle with those who I hold closest to my heart. When my dad was in the hospital, I would sing to him all the time.

 

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away"

My sun now shines with the grace of my Heavenly Father and the remembrance of my Earthly one. The Lord promises to walk with us through the darkest valleys and carry us over the tallest mountains, and that my friends is a reason to sing... in every circumstance.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

 

He guides me along the right paths

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your road and your staff,

they comfort me.

 

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

 

Psalm 23