They Say Life's A Journey

I will instruct you, and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

My mom and I had a good ol' heart to heart the other night. Ya see, I'm still sort of in this weird in between stage in life. That time where you're officially done with school, officially considered an "adult" and yet officially...you still have no idea what you're doing. It's like people expect you to be an adult with all the crummy things like bills and responsibilities and work, and yet no one takes you seriously with all the cool things like your opinion, decisions, or advice.

But I guess that's the name of the game. So, you know, I think I'm okay with it. Varsity wouldn't be as awesome if you didn't have to work you're way to the top, right? There is just as much joy in the journey as the destination...and who wants to be an adult anyway? Once you're fully taken seriously, then that means you're full of wisdom, and to be full of wisdom you have to be old. Soooo I think I'm okay staying young for a bit.

Alriiight that was a rabbit trail, and I think I just invalidated everyone who says I am "wise beyond my years." (hopefully you detect me being dramatic and sarcastic above, I don't actually think you have to be old to be wise...who decides what is "old" anyways?)

ANYWAY the truth is, my mom and I had this heart to heart because I wanted to seek her approval. It almost felt like I was asking for her permission to get married, but instead was asking if I would receive her blessing to pursue a possible international ministry project.

Now, okay here's the thing. It's not like this comes as a complete surprise or anything. Obviously, international missions is something that has been on my heart for awhile now. Something I've already participated in. Something I've been to school for. BUT under certain circumstances there has been some apprehension as to when I should pursue a commitment to this particular type of work.

Well you know what she said?

Without hesitation, she said that she would support me wherever I felt God was leading and that she trusted me because she trusted the One who she knew I was following. What faith! I don't even know if I have that much confidence within myself and so to hear that just blew me away.

But there's a greater message to all of this. 

As she gave me her blessing she explained just why she was so quick to encourage me on my journey. She reminded me that God guides everyone down unique paths, and we are commanded to love and support people down those different paths. I realized in that moment, while experiencing first-hand my mom's compassion, that this is definitely an area where I have fallen short.

You see, I tend to think pretty black and white..I'm a "Paul," I like to lay it out for people. Here is Step 1, Step 2, Step 3...but it's not always as easy as 3 steps is it? (Though, boy, I wish it were) No because while we mean well...we can't always advise people from our bias perspective. We don't always have the answers. We can try to put on other people's lenses, we can try to walk a mile in their shoes, but we can't ever fully understand and we'll never fully be able to understand where they are in their walk with God either.

I don't want to be known as someone who is condemning. Challenging? Yes. But not condemning. I don't want to be seen as someone who lacks compassion. Or who fails to love, support, and accept people right where they're at. Of course I still believe in mentors and discipleship and accountability and all that jazz; all of that is just fine and dandy. I still believe in confronting believers when the Spirit leads you that way. I still believe in the commandments of the Bible, that "love means that we live by doing what he commands" (2 John 6).

But I guess I just feel that first and foremost we are to love others. To extend compassion to those who are on their own unique journey. Not condemn those who have a different passion then ours. Not judge those who may desire marriage and kids over a career. Not label those who stay in their hometowns as "complacent" or "safe."

I'm guilty of all these things. 

Yet it took someone extending compassion to me, in the midst of many who were pressuring and judging me in my convictions. Not trusting me when I told them that I am going to God daily asking for direction and discernment - wanting HIS will to be done, and not my own. They were trying to tell me that I need to do Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. I think we need to be careful with that fine line between seeking accountability and wisdom, and trying to please man over God. I'm learning it's a very difficult thing to have to turn away from people at times, especially those who you hold close and dearly love, but ultimately I answer to God first and I always will.

We all may think there is a right way and a wrong way, and you know sometimes there is... But sometimes, people just need love and encouragement, need to be directed to seek Jesus who is the true Shepherd, need compassion right where they're at, and need support within their unique journey towards righteousness.

I'm excited for my journey and I'm excited about others' journeys. I'm glad that all of our lives are different. We so often fight that but it's truly what makes life so beautiful! Our different quarks and talents, jobs and lifestyles, timelines and journeys all act as the BEST examples of how beautiful our God is, how many different ways He works, how diverse are the people He equips, and how unique are His avenues to do so.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. 1 Corinthians 12:4:4-6

The Humble Story of Christmas

So I'm sitting here at the end of a very merry Christmas and reflecting on the holiday which is so full of family and friends, love and joy, gifts and thanksgiving. I think it's difficult for anyone to remember the "reason for the season" in the midst of all the shopping, lights, and carols. Not to say all of the hoopla isn't enjoyable - because it definitely is! Yet even for those who genuinely desire to place Jesus at the center of the season, who want to genuinely worship at the Christmas Eve service - well it's still just difficult. I can't really describe why. I mean maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the familiarity of it all, the distractions, or even just all the excitement of reunions and family that can bring me away from remembering that ALL of this - the lights, the gifts, the food - is all to commemorate how God brought His son to transform the world.

I was reflecting on that this morning. No one in my family bothers to wake up early now that we're older and there are no children in the family [for now - baby Caleb will be here any day now!! :)]. I'm the oddball in that I prefer early mornings and despise procrastination in a family who lives for late nights, later mornings, and last-minute shopping. So in the quiet of the morning I was spending precious time with the Lord, reflecting on the holiday and the story of Jesus.

And this is what I realized.

Maybe it's hard to truly remember the birth of Jesus during Christmas because the way we celebrate is the complete opposite to how God chose for it all to go down.

I know we've all heard it. We've all heard the story. We've sang the carols. We've watched the church plays and gazed at nativity scenes. But really, if you stop and think about it...the story of Jesus is really stinkin cool. It is just SUCH a story of humility. A story of how God chose the unexpected, young, and willing Mary to carry His Son who would change the world forever. He chose the faithful Joseph to be the earthly father of His Son, the Messiah. He allowed those who were obedient and ready to experience that day when Jesus was born into the world. He chose the humble setting of a manger - so simple that only a few knew of the birth that would change the world...forever.

Now, millions celebrate baby Jesus, or at least the holiday that commemorates that day. Yet we make the occasion so extravagant, we bury Jesus under the twinkling lights and over-the-top parties. But when you look at the story of Jesus, the "Christmas Story" you see something very different. Generations had prophesied about this Messiah who would come and change the course of history, many expected things to be over-the-top, maybe they expected the kind of celebration we now traditionally have to remember this birth. But God did not lay out the story to be this way. He chose simple, He chose difficult.

Then there's Mary and Joseph.

They had to suffer on a long journey. They had to face rejection and loneliness as they traveled far from their families. Their circumstance led them to look to God for comfort and reassurance, it allowed for God to equip them as they brought Jesus into the world in a strange place with nothing. I mean for pete's sake, Mary made a manger out of straw!

But then...their faithfulness in that difficult place was rewarded when those who God chose to experience baby Jesus came with gifts and worshiped.

Man, isn't that what it's about?

To be willing to follow God no matter what that means like Mary and Joseph, and to trust that He will be with you. Taking the long journey, facing the hardship and times of loneliness, allowing God to equip and provide for you, and experiencing how your obedience can draw others in to come and worship Jesus.

That is the reward. 

Not monetary gain or a bigger mansion in Heaven. The reward is experiencing when God is brought greater glory and experiencing how God chose and used YOU to accomplish that. Despite your inadequacies, He chose you. Mary and Joseph didn't receive the praise that night, but they received the reward of sharing in the righteousness of God. Their reward came when they were chosen to play a part of the story of Jesus - His birth, and later His death and resurrection. They were part of the transformation of the world.

It's personal transformation and being chosen to play a role in the transformation of others for the glory of God - which is the greatest gift of all.

Falling Towards Jesus

So someone asked me the other day if I had ever fallen flat on my face. I sort of laughed to myself, because well...for one I had just journaled about how MUCH I seem to fall flat on my face and two it seems to happen so often that I almost found the question silly. We don't seem to think it's very silly when it happens though do we? We're usually our harshest critics and sometimes we fail to extend the same compassion to ourselves as we do to others.

Every morning, I usually journal or write out my prayers. There is just something about it that helps me channel into being fully present with God. If I am focused on writing, my mind cannot wander in a million different directions like it normally tends to do.

So maybe some of y'all know that I'm in this process of recovery for this thing that I don't openly talk about, haha. That sounds so silly! But I do like to maintain SOME privacy. Anyway, there is so much I'm learning just in this PROCESS though that I feel so aligns with life and struggles that we encounter in our faith.

I thought I'd share a piece of my journal with you all. Within it you might see that 1. I allow perfectionism and religiosity to trap me into guilt and shame even within my walk with God 2. That I have become pretty good at falling on my face 3. That even through it all, this process of peaks and valleys still draws me more intimate with the One who matters and for that I remain truly grateful.

December 11, 2013

7:15am 

I didn't spend time with Jesus yesterday. I know that God still loves me and I've gotten wrapped up in religiosity if I consider myself a failure for missing ONE quiet time. It's just, I even had the time to do it.. but instead chose to fall flat on my face - without wanting to consult God, just wanting to regain my control. Sigh. How I so hoped for miraculous healing, how I still hope for that at times - but I think I know why God is taking me down a process of ups and downs within my recovery journey. It's such a direct reflection of life. I mean, we know that life is a series of mountains and valleys, right? We are told to EXPECT struggles and hardships. And yet we so easily forget that God is sovereign, that a valley will one day lead to a mountain. That a summit is promised for the future where He awaits and we will be united with Him. Forever victorious, we'll stand with Jesus and look down at the series of mountains and valleys that brought us closer to the very likeness of God and all of which came together for His glory. ALL of the journey was used for our good and His Kingdom, all were part of the journey that led to the summit, to eternity with a God who was with us through it all, and who we now get to enjoy in fullness. We are told to rejoice in the process, in the hardships, in the blessings and the pain. 

...Do we really though? I mean yeah it's wa-hay easier said than done. Our reaction is more often frustration and doubts, complaints and hurt. My goodness, I am grateful that God always takes me back. That just like the prodigal son's father ran to him with open arms, delighted in his return, God hurts when I stray from Him and rejoices when I return. Wow, I need daily grace. So desperately. I am pretty perfect at being imperfect (though I try to not allow others to see that). Instead, don't I really make an effort to try and make my life seem perfect? We all sort of do. We all post the best pictures, of the best times, at our happiest moments. Obviously, it is polite to be socially acceptable but with all this media stuff sometimes I think we take it too far. We allow others to fall into envy or feelings of discontent off of our fake perfection. But anyway...I've gotten pretty good at falling flat on my face. Yet I realized...how much easier is it to fall on your knees before Jesus when you're on the ground already? It's often in that place that I experience the greatest intimacy with Jesus versus that higher place of perfection and pride. So if getting to that intimate place means falling on my face often, well...then so be it. I'll just get up again and fall more and more towards Jesus. 

"Dear friends, don't be surprised by the fiery troubles that are coming in order to test you. Don't feel as though something strange is happening to you, but be happy as you share Christ's sufferings. Then you will also be full of joy when he appears again in his glory" 1 Peter 3:12-13

Precious God, I thank you. I just thank You for this process. For breaking me down and building me up. For engulfing me with Your intimate love within every valley and every mountain. I often cannot see what lies ahead, but I trust You. I trust that You will work all of this out for good as You have promised for the one who truly loves You. And I do Lord, I truly do. So I just thank you again, for Your daily grace that I so desperately need. I thank You for the tests which draw me closer to Your very heart, deeper in my compassion for Your people, hungry for more and more and more of You. I surrender it to You God, all of it. The process, the worries I carry, the hurt and the anger and the frustration. I am not meant to walk through this alone, so forgive me for times that I try to. For times that I allow my stubbornness and want of control to abandon the pure truth that I need You. So so desperately. My God, who am I that You would run to me with open arms? That you would hug and kiss me after all the times I have failed You? I don't know if I'll ever understand why you do it, but I know that You do. I remain in awe that You do. You sent Your son to suffer for man and as I follow His lead I will joyfully expect the same suffering. Place in me a heart of gladness and genuine joy in that suffering. That I may experience the sweet goodness of Jesus, of the cross, of the victory that awaits for me in eternity. I place my trust in Your sovereign and mighty plan. I love You and I praise You. Amen. 

Abundance & Poverty

Woohoo it's Christmas time! Where life is merry and jolly and bright. I'm going to be honest I love the Christmas decorations and songs just as must as the next person. The Lord has brought me to a precious time in my life lately. It's been 6 months since I've been back in America and my time has been a mixed emotion of joy and deep conviction. My mom will probably roll her eyes if she reads this because I've talked to her about it so much, and it just so happens that the Sunday message covered this very conviction. The conviction of just how difficult it is to live in a culture of abundance.

"I believe that God is in control, yes, but I also believe I have a choice: I can follow Him or I can turn my back on Him. I can say yes to Him, or I can say no. I can go to the hard places or I can remain comfortable. And if I remain comfortable, God who loves us unconditionally will continue to love me anyway. I may still see His glory revealed in my life and recognize His blessings, but not like I could have." - Katie Davis

Disobedience plagues our culture, stuff clouds our ability to hear the voice of God. Sure the Lord will still be with us, He will walk with us down the path that we chose, but our disobedience can still cause us to miss out on the incredible life we could have had if we had chosen God's best for us and not our best for us.

I have been called to be a vocational missionary. I know it. I think I've known it for awhile now, but for a time I tried to negotiate with God. I tried to combine my desires with God's desires, a sort of half-obedience if you will..."Well, maybe I could still live in America and just work for a missions organization." "Well, I mean I still want to utilize my education right? I should build up my savings first." "Well, I'll go once I'm married and once I have life figured out (ha! as if that's even possible)." If you've ever hung out with me you have most likely heard me say something like this at some point. I wanted to justify my selfish desires. I wanted to gain the approval of friends and family who want to see me find "success" (whatever that means). I wanted to follow this American dream and timeline that I often feel pressured to follow. I wanted to trust God with the big picture but take the small details into my own hands.

So I had to stop and I had to remember that God is above it all - He's above this timeline I've placed on my life, He's above this American dream, He's even above my friends and family (though you know I love y'all). I first felt called to ministry and missions three years ago when I was humbled to a point of complete surrender. God had brought me to my breaking point. I had fallen away and I was just done. In that place, my humility and brokenness finally opened my mind and body for God's Spirit to enter in and use me.

"Humble yourselves in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position" James 4:10 

I don't think it's any coincidence that God repeatedly chose the most humble and unexpected people to do His work. Moses - a murderer turned lowly shepherd, Jonah - an ordinary fisherman, Mary - a peasant girl, Rahab - a prostitute. God didn't just choose these people to shock everyone (though it did), He chose them because it is in a place of humility that we can come to surrender to God's power and His will and His words and actions which can move mountains through us. I would be weary of a pastor who claims to have it all together - because it's not the prideful that the Lord can equip. Pride acts as one of the greatest barriers to the Holy Spirit. Are you comfortable? Secure? Confident in what you've got to offer? Clap, clap, clap...

Okay that might sound harsh but it's only because I do desperately want others to see that the very things the world applauds are the very things that stand in the way of us experiencing God to the fullest and experiencing HIS best for us! This is a hard world to live in. I know. Scripture warns us of that. We are to expect that. But I believe the things that are tough in the world are not all the things we acknowledge to be tough - like poverty, war, corruption, terrorism... no, even non-believers can see that these things are bad.

No, I believe what is worse are the the things that are not as clearly identified or openly talked about. The very things that keep us spiritually impoverished and separate us from experiencing the fullness of a saving God. Things like envy - staring at a computer and wanting what others have; greed - not just want of fortune but even want of security - 401k, retirement plans, all our money tucked away in savings to keep us secure and safe while millions suffer from malnutrition and limited access to healthcare. We want to save all of our money so we can enjoy long vacations and be worry free. We want to keep OUR right of OUR money, OUR control of OUR money. But it's not our money is it? It's God's money. You know this right? Are you acting as if it's not your own? Or is it mostly going towards things for you? I'm sorry if I seem to be guilt-tripping, but you know what...I am. Because well America needs to be guilt-tripped. You can hold onto your material wealth and experience spiritual poverty OR give your resources for Kingdom work and experience the very heart of God. You choose. But I'm not going to choose to pretend that it's okay. That the abundance of our nation and the spiritual death we're experiencing is okay. Because, well, it's just not.

OKAY, so to extend some grace here I can imagine that if you have been in a place where all you know is comfort of material wealth then I can see how difficult it would be to make a decision to devote more of your finances to Kingdom work and less to personal stuff. I get it. It would be scary. But Scripture says repeatedly "Do not fear." You think God says that to encourage those who are comfortable? That just makes no sense. No, He says it because He knows that His children who truly follow Him will indeed face situations that evoke fear. It's in those places that He meets us. I 100% promise that intimacy with God - I mean a real, all-consuming relationship with Jesus, almost always requires us to sacrifice and to be in a place of discomfort; but IT IS WORTH IT. The half-intimacy with God that we settle for - the lifestyle that we try to compromise, to have both God and the world, both comfort and the blessings of God; will eventually break down our soul, and it's really just not worth it to hold onto things that are guaranteed to fade away. You will miss out on the best God has for you. Oh he'll still met you there, will still love and forgive you by His kindness...but you will miss out.

All that being said, I know that God has again brought me to a place of brokenness and humility to bring me back to the best He has for me. Three years ago I was there, I said "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Then slowly I began to justify, I made excuses because of my fears, built up pride that came even in ministry (oh yeah, that happens). Then it all came crashing down and I was reminded of truth. I was brought back to a place of surrender: "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Not to say that mission work is the highest calling. I believe God's best for you can be a variety of jobs and fields. Do I believe you must be called to be a vocational missionary? Yes. Do I believe many more are called than are actually going? Yes.

"...Yet you don't know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:14-15

Life is tough. Stuff distracts us. We face envy and pride and want of security - dangers which keep us from spiritual intimacy with the one true God. If God hasn't brought you to a place of complete brokenness to see the things that keep you from His best for you, I pray that He will. I'm going to pray that He allows for circumstances in your life that will bring you to your knees and will help you realize you are nothing without God. That you will be brought to a place where all you want is the best that He has for you - no matter what that means and whatever changes that means for your life. That is the kind of life that will bring God glory, not you, not me, but Him. And that's where the glory belongs.

Life on Mission

That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the Living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe. 1 Timothy 4:10

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

Man oh man. Life has been cuh-razy on a whole other level. I leave the house at 6:30 each morning and usually get home anywhere from 8-10 each evening. Woohoo life!

I'm loving my job (I get to advocate for orphaned children every day, say whaat?!), and I am loving Austin and the new friends I have made and the old ones with whom I have re-connected.... I'm not gonna lie though, it has been nothing short of a challenge to figure out this life tango. I 100% believe that we are all missionaries. I believe that God has a beautiful, unique way to use each of us right here, right now, right where we are. I believe that He can use me in incredible ways as a working 22 year-old, in Austin, Texas.

What I am realizing though is that life on mission is definitely a task! You might be a natural at it and can take it easy and have relationships just fall into your lap. If so, this does not apply to you...but for me, even as a moderate extrovert I am finding that it takes some serious WORK to live on mission. It takes effort to set up time for coffee, dinner dates, service, community, and of course the absolute necessary time set-aside for self-care and intimacy with Jesus. Throw in full-time work and 5 o'clock rush-hour traffic and there are just not enough hours in the day people! I now truly understand why people are deprived of sleep!

Okay so I'm not saying everyone's lives should be crazy if you're living for Jesus. I definitely believe you must care for yourself in order to care for others and the amount of that self-care varies for each person. However, I do believe there is a slight problem with disobedience in our culture. I've seen it and I've been a part of it. The reaction to busyness is that you paralyze yourself and don't do anything at all or you allow the crazies of life to get you super-duper overwhelmed and stressed. I, of course, lean towards the latter. With all the craziness, I still managed to find time to worry about the timeline of my life. I found myself asking God - how long will I be here do you think? Do you want me to go to seminary or stay here? When should I commission for the field? And of course - when are ya gonna bring that guy so I can stop worrying about all that stuff? So here I am with all my questions wanting to know tomorrow TODAY.

Okay quick detour in regards to the last point...I met with the sweetest student missionary who just finished her two-year term with the International Mission Board and this topic got brought up. She was like "Girl, I want to tell you a story. My sweet friend felt God calling her to a 2-year missions project on the field right out of college. However, she was so worried that if she left she wouldn't ever find her husband so she decided not to go. Well...she didn't end up getting married until she was 39. My other friend obediently served 2 years in the Middle East. While there, she found her husband, an amazing and attractive Christian man on the field. In the Middle East! She was completely covered, all you could see were her eyes!!" Haha, I loved these stories. What a reminder. Ladies - God has got this. We need to focus on being obedient now, within our singleness.

So I'm driving home one day (Praise God for KLOVE and Spirit 105.9 with all the time I spend in my car)
and Casting Crowns' new song comes on:
From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design. 
That You imagined when You breathed me into life,
And all the chaos comes together in Your hands like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan.
When I'm lost in the mystery to you my future is a memory, 
Cause You're already there, You're already there,
Standing at the end of my life, waiting on the other side and 
You're already there, You're already there!

My goodness what a reminder! This life is not my own and this place is not my home - and the reason I live this life on mission is ultimately to love others in Jesus' Name and to bring Him glory. Scripture commands us to work in excellence and to work hard - because being a Christian is not easy! Not just with the spiritual warfare that goes on as Satan attacks strong believers, but because it does take WORK to truly love others and live a life on mission for the Gospel of God. If you do not feel like you are working hard - then it is probably something you need to evaluate. The Holy Spirit desires to use you and He will instill a desire in you to go in whatever direction God wants you to go, but it will take work and it might not be "convenient" or "easy" or "comfortable" but it is what we are to do in obedience. 

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:16

A lot of times on my break I just want to surf the internet and tune life out - but my goodness how much more fruitful are the times that I am intentional with other co-workers during that time. When I talk about myself you bet Jesus is coming up. If your co-workers don't know you are a Christian, you might want to consider why that is. Jesus is my identity, my Father, my best friend, my most amazing lover - you bet He comes up. If a relationship, a hobby, or a recent drama comes up - why wouldn't Jesus? You're not making people uncomfortable, you're telling your own story - and if you're a believer, your story should include Jesus.

Okay as a disclaimer, I don't want this to come off sounding like you need to do A, B, and C to be a good Christian. If it's coming across like I mean it that way then I apologize. What I DO mean is that when you are spending time with the Lord and in a intimate relationship with the Lord throughout the day - A, B, and C will happen. Jesus equips if we allow Him to. When we surrender to the Holy Spirit the outcome is not just us doing our own thing and living a life of ease and total comfort. When we surrender to the Spirit there will be a life FULL of work and relationships and worship and hardship and frustration and absolute joy! It might seem sort of messy at times, but ultimately when it is all out of obedience to the Spirit of God and to the mission of spreading the Gospel - the Lord will most definitely be pleased.

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 
Colossians 2:23-24

Choosing an Attitude of Gratitude

Okay, there's been a lot going on. I'm going to just throw out an apology to anyone who has been confused about this "treatment" I speak of or who was left in the dark completely. I'll go ahead and apologize again because I'm not going to explain everything in this blog either. I've actually prayed about all of this. How much do we allow others in? How many do we allow in?

Anyway, so I've decided that though I believe vulnerability and authenticity is super important - I still believe there is a balance to be struck. After all, aren't our most cherished relationships the ones that we have with a handful of people who we deeply know and who we allow to deeply know us? If I shared everything to everyone I would be taking away the beauty of those unique relationships and I don't think I prefer that.

I still believe in authenticity though - so for those who don't know I have been in a treatment program for the past month. This process has been...hard. I wish there were better descriptive words! Sometimes words just can't describe certain situations. Even if there were, many would probably only reach a certain level of understanding; and even for others who have experienced something similar, there are still unique cases and reactions and stresses. If there's one thing I can describe though it's how God has been the head of my treatment team for this entire process. I chose from the beginning to do whatever it took to get better. There were days that I didn't feel that way. There were days that I wanted to quit. There were days that I felt completely numb. But at the beginning and end of each day - I chose gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to take this time to seek treatment. Gratitude that I had a team of people working to help me get better. Gratitude that I was placed in an environment of genuine love and support. Gratitude for friends and family who really stepped up to encourage me during this time.

You would think that a believer would feel most grateful in seasons of blessings, but I often tend to be most grateful in seasons of hardship. The trials of this life remind me of the sovereignty of God, and cause me to fully and completely rely on Him for every ounce of power and strength.

For a long time I battled with where my faith fit into all of this. I had heard everything from "pray harder" to "you must not have a genuine heart of repentance" to "it's just a season and it will pass." All I could think was GOD, if you are the Ultimate Healer - why will you not bring healing? I couldn't see how me being sick could help at all. I realized over the past four weeks why God chose not to bring miraculous healing. He could have, sure, but as a loving Father He chose not to. He chose not to because in His loving kindness, the Lord has given us free will to make decisions. He doesn't control our every move and He doesn't make every decision for us. So yes, there are times where there are major consequences to certain decisions we make. Yet He is still a loving Father - and He journeys with us as we battle through those consequences. I was really sick, but by God's grace I was given the strength and power to make it through each day of treatment. I learned to love the process, as the process brought me even more deeply in love with the Lord. I learned so much about myself, about acceptance, about self-compassion, about grace and love and joy. I feel like I can live life for the first time in four years - and life is so much sweeter when you've gone so long not tasting it's fullness.

Sooo then of course here I am falling into my broken pattern of trying to plan my next steps. When I'm done here - what am I going to do? Where does God want me? Do I look for a job? Consider seminary? How can I take this all into my hands again?

Then I fell down.

Then I got back up.

Then I got on my knees.

And surrendered.

I had promised everyone that I would focus on recovery for at least four weeks. I went back on that and allowed my worries and anxiety get the best of me. See the thing is - when we mess up (which is often) it's OKAY. We are not perfect y'all. We're believers and we follow a perfect God, but we are not perfect. We all (hopefully) know this, but I'm realizing it's something I constantly have to remind myself. As a perfectionist I can often bring perfectionism, rigidity, and lack of forgiveness into my faith - and well, that's just counter-Gospel. I don't know if you've noticed but extreme perfectionism can lead to destruction. Striving for perfection within yourself, within your relationships, within your faith - it just never ends well.

Anyway, so I decided okay - I will pray about my next steps and look around a little bit but I will NOT allow this to take priority and I will NOT allow myself to worry about this. A few days later I talked to my treatment team and they told me that I would be discharged the following Friday (this was Wednesday I believe). I remember so many days thinking "how can I rush this process?" "When will this be over?" "I can't take this. I'm better! See...see??" Then I get the news of my discharge and I'm immediately rushed with all this nervousness and fear "What if I'm not better?" "No, I'm not ready! I'm not strong enough!" "Are you sure? Are you really really sure?"

I got home later that day, a little on edge but encouraged after talking to someone who assured me that a healthy amount of fear can take you a long way. So that night, I got an e-mail from a job that I had applied to. Fast forward through a bad night, a day of tears, a car accident, and Halloween....and it's the morning of the interview! I drove to Great Wall China Adoption, an international adoption agency headquartered in Austin and felt totally calm about everything. After all, an interview works both ways and I didn't know for sure if I wanted to work at this company. First of all, the company is in the beautiful hills of South Austin. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had never been to the 360 area much growing up...seriously, it's crazy beautiful. The mansions along the hillside, Town Lake to your right with the hills on your left, and the downtown skyline in the distance...yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Okay this is getting too detailed. BASICALLY, the company and job are absolutely perfect. It's a gorgeous area, beautiful office with marble floors and a wall-size mural of the Great Wall. An international non-profit with 15 offices worldwide, the top adoption agency in the country, and a brilliant and fun team of people. I immediately clicked with the Marketing team and Mrs. Snow Wu, the CEO and a powerhouse Chinese woman. Everything just felt so right. Intuition is just such a wonderful thing. It's like faith - you can't see it but you can feel it, and it's so much stronger than logic or reason. On Sunday, I had the most perfect day in Austin. North Austin and South-Central Austin are like two entirely different worlds. I was always anti-Austin because of growing up in Round Rock (North) but my goodness, treatment has been in the hills of Austin and I can SO understand now why everyone says it's the best place in the world to live...because well, it is. There is just so much to do, everyone is chill and awesome, and the Greenbelt, Barton Springs, Town Lake, Zilker, it's just an outdoor enthusiast's paradise.

So the night before my last day of treatment I got a phone call from Mrs. Snow Wu offering me the Marketing & Promotions Specialist position with Great Wall China Adoption. I got the phone call on my drive back home and literally cried the entire ride. It's just unbelievable. This time last year I felt God calling me to Hong Kong and I thought it was super random and faced a good amount of opposition for it. Even my time in Indiana at Fellowship Missions aligned so much with this job description. Then the series of events that allowed me for the first time to prioritize recovery, realizing that no matter what job or relationship I had I could never live a real life in the state that I was in. Now, I am healthy and so excited to settle in South Austin and pour into people in the workplace and the outside community - and it's only because I'm in recovery that I am confident I can now truly do that.

I appreciate anyone who read all of this! I pray that you all will choose to have an attitude of gratitude. Even when your situations don't seem to call for that. Or you don't necessarily feel thankful for what is going on. You can choose your attitude, which is far above your circumstances and your feelings, and deep rooted in your soul. When you choose gratitude - I promise that God will provide you with strength to get through every situation and hardship, wisdom and guidance to do His will, and the blessing of a life that is just so full and joyous and wonderful!

Once Upon A Lunch Date

Yesterday was a beautiful day.

You know, time can seem so short or long depending on our attitude. I have been convicted of this many a time in my own life. It's just interesting. How we can set off on a one-week mission trip and think "YES, I am going to build relationships, and love on kids, and work really hard, and change the WORLD." Then we go back home and back to our normal schedules and think "Well, I'm only here for one more week...there's obviously no point in building relationships or being intentional."

I've had this conversation with people. I've seen different attitudes. I've seen those who live on mission in their daily lives. I've seen others who I question if they've ever lived at all.. I think about my own story, I think about the one girl who God used to reach me - how He used her that day and how my life was radically transformed because of it. I think about how I mention her every time I tell my story; how her obedience created this incredible butterfly effect.

I think about how she had no idea.

See the thing is, it only took one lunch date for the Lord to use Alexa. My re-conversion story in a nutshell was that I was a lost freshman. I had gone through high school lost in partying and a destructive relationship; and by the end of it all I was ready for a fresh start. I was searching for the purpose of life, though I was pretty sure there was none.

My first week at college I was invited to a lifegroup. At that group, I listened to the leader of the group share her testimony. She talked about her past of depression and brokenness and the redemption she had found in Christ. Later that week, Alexa asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I don't even remember what our conversation was about, but I do remember the light of Christ that so clearly shined on the face of the girl sitting across from me. It was in that moment that God opened my heart to the purpose of life - the love and joy that only comes from knowing Jesus Christ. I never went back to Alexa's lifegroup, but a few days after that lunch date - alone, in the quiet of my dorm room, I re-dedicated my life to Christ.

A couple of years later the Lord called me to ministry and took me places I never would have imagined. I have come to know the intimate, precious love of Jesus. All because one girl decided to be obedient to the cross right where she was.

So that's when I was reminded - my goodness, our God is creative. He can use us in our homes, workplaces, and activities just as much as in the safaris of Africa. He can use us over the span of two years, in a one-hour lunch date, or in a thirty-second prayer.

I decided to message Alexa yesterday. The Lord kept placing this on my heart and I knew He wanted me to share. After all, I had talked about her to hundreds of people over the last several years - and she had no idea! The thing is, most of us will probably never see or know how God has used us, but better believe He does when we submit to His will and desire to glorify Him with our lives. That is faith. Trusting that the Lord is using you and not believing the lies that you are worthless or your life meaningless.

Love others. Be intentional. Right now. Right where you are. I know it's not easy - what is easy: waiting for marriage/career/being settled, laziness, self-centeredness, superficial relationships, walls around your heart, selfishness with your time, love of the world. BUT. We are called to be different. We are commanded to INSTEAD, love one another. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:34-35).

"This message really re-envisioned me to just love the person in front of me and pursue relationship. I seriously feel encouraged to sow broadly and trust Jesus with the seeds that I sow." - Alexa Wible