To Missions and Beyond

So I figured it was time for an update on my life because 1) people have verbalized their frustrations with my lack of updates to where I now feel part guilty and 2) I most definitely want to recruit some prayer warriors as I begin this path that God is leading me down.

The Lord placed a huge impression on my heart several years ago when I fell in love with a small group ministry that I led. After coming from a really broken time in my life, I was able to truly learn what it meant to have the Spirit equip you despite your inadequacies. It was beautiful. From the start, I felt God leading me towards international missions. Yeahhh...at that point I had never been on an airplane. So I was like "That's crazy God. Is this me? It's gotta be me cause that's crazy."

The beautiful thing about brokenness is that it brings you to a place of complete surrender. The Lord had brought me to a place where I was able to finally realize that I was nothing without Him. My plans meant nothing if they were aimed towards anything but His glory. At the time my plans mostly pointed towards my own success, power, and society's approval. I realized, I didn't want any of it if it was apart from the will of God.

When I let go of my own plans, my own dreams, my own desires - I found a very wonderful thing. I found the very heart of Jesus. 

When I came to a place that I was able to simply enjoy the presence of God I was transformed deeply. So yeah, I still thought Him leading me towards ministry was crazy, but sometimes what might seem crazy on the surface is in fact a deep-rooted plan created by God before you were even born. He uses the unexpected, the ill-equipped, the willing, the broken  and equips them with His words, His action, His power. Not for their own glory or the approval of man; but for His glory, for His Kingdom, for His plan.

“And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.” 2 Corinthians 5:15

So in obedience, I said yes - I wasn't sure how everything would pan out but I trusted in His sovereignty and as I daily experienced His presence I further trusted that He knew best. Flash forward several years and the Lord has led me in ways I could have never imagined. He has used me to lead others, to love other cultures, to be mentored in ministry, and to continue to prepare me for this path that He has for me.

As a disclaimer, I want to clear something up. I believe that to pursue ministry, to become a missionary, or a pastor, or whatever - is no "higher" a calling than to be a businessman, or a nanny, or a garbage man. Is the expectation higher? Yes, according to Scripture it should be - but the level of righteousness is not higher. You don't have to go to Africa and serve in an orphanage to be the most "righteous" Christian. I strongly, strongly believe that we are all called to be missionaries - yet God leads us all uniquely, according to His plan, whether that's to serve within a secular workplace, within your own home, or within the slums of the Philippines.

So I want to clear that up because I do believe that even missions can become selfish. Our human hearts are prone to evil (Genesis 6:5). We must be on guard against the attacks of Satan even within our own churches, even within the work that at it's foundation is meant to glorify the Lord. To follow God's path is a matter of a heart aligned with His, not your own checklist which attempts to achieve strong faith. 

God has placed me on this unique path towards ministry, towards vocational missions; and I am continually humbled that He could use me to serve others and to share His love. It's really as simple as that. What I have learned through my ministry experience is that people are people, and sin is sin all over the world. Yes, it looks different; yes, cultures vary; yes, certain kinds of sin may be more rampant in certain places - but nonetheless, God is God and His people need Him - here, there, everywhere.

I have been preparing and praying that God may send me according to His timing. That if He called me to go I would go, if He called me to stay I would stay. After a lot of prayer, consideration, and mentorship I have decided to commit to an organization called BVS, the service branch of the Brethren denomination which accepts all denominations. In exactly one week, I will attend a three-week long orientation outside of Orlando, Florida where I will form a community with others being sent out and will ultimately be assigned my ministry project. BVS has placements both domestically and internationally, and they will work with me and pray with me as we seek God's guidance to what location and ministry I am to serve in.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

I would love love love if you all could pray for me within this process. It is an exciting time, but my biggest desire is that I may simply be a vessel for the continuing work of God.

Will you pray for me? That the Lord may provide me wisdom as I consider the various ministry projects and locations. That I will take time to be still, to listen, and to discern where He is leading. That I may form strong relationships with the others who are being prepared to go so that we may build a support and encouragement system for one another. That all those who are currently out serving both domestically and internationally would be renewed day by day. That the ministries would not become something focused on works or perfection, but would continue to be centered on the presence of God and would bear fruit by His hand. That through these ministries people may ultimately experience God and desire to know Him more, that His Kingdom would be expanded and that His sovereignty recognized.  

I am so excited for this next step and fully believe in the power of prayer and the body of Christ. I would love if you would support me as I begin this journey that God has ordained. May He receive the glory, always. 

Leave A Legacy

Okay fun side note: My old Instant Messenger name from when I was little was "Leavealegacy7"...I just think that's funny and since it's relevant to this blog, I had to go there...

SO wow, I have so many thoughts and am so overwhelmed with emotions that I figured I’d stay up after everyone has gone to bed to write this blog post…and okay maybe I want to brag on my family a little bit too. We’re visiting family in Mexico and I just always feel so encouraged and inspired when I spend time with my tias and their families.

...I really love my tias. Maybe it’s because every time I see them they call me “flacita” (skinny) or because they are short and precious or because they like to take my arm and affectionately put their head on my shoulder or smuggle me with kisses.

But I think my love for them goes beyond the little things.

The Orta ladies are the most tangible example of Proverbs 31 women that I have ever met. When you are with them you truly experience the power of the Holy Spirit and you see the beauty of Christ in their words, their actions, their hearts. It is the most beautiful, unexplainable experience and I am so humbled to get to inherit their legacy.  

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" Proverbs 31:26

One of the things that most inspires me about my tias is their rich prayer lives. To say my tias are prayer warriors is the ultimate understatement of the century. These women know how to PRAY man. So SO many memories of experiencing this:

I will never forget New Years two years ago, sitting around the dinner table as the clock stroke midnight, and having my ears flooded with the words of a beautiful prayer in Spanish filled with passion. My Tia Raquel prayed over every single person around that table, for their families, for every detail of their lives. 

As I laid in bed last night, I heard my Tia Rebeca crying out to God in fierce prayer. It was one of the most beautiful experiences! Her heart for our Savior radiates to everyone around her, and to hear a glimpse of her personal time with God – phew, I was just blown away.

I remember the last time I was here in Mexico right before I left for the mission field in Costa Rica. My Tia Rosa laid her hands on me and prayed over this call that God had placed on my life. She prayed over the people of Costa Rica, for the teams that would come and serve, for personal strength and perseverance, for the spiritual warfare that would surely come, and for all the glory to ultimately be given to our God.

Tonight, as I sat at the table with my Tia Rosa and filled her in on my life the inevitable conversation of boys and relationships came up. As I shared with her my heart and the boy who has recently captured it, her eyes began to fill with tears. She reminded me that she had prayed and prayed ever since I was born over every detail of my life. She felt her prayers were confirmed when she heard my heart. She reminded me of God’s perfect sovereignty and provision. She so fully trusts that God will provide a partner for me whose desires align with mine, when my desires are aligning with His.

As I watched tears roll down her eyes, I felt so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit; knowing, trusting that when my tias say they pray over me – I mean, they PRAY over me.

I was reading the Sermon on the Mount in The Message yesterday. 

One section talks about “Empty Promises” it says:

“And don’t say anything you don’t mean…You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’” Matthew 5:33-37

Man, how many times have I had this thought…for those of us in the Christian circle I am sure this may strike a chord or two. There’s nothing wrong with saying you will pray over someone, but just make sure you do it. Heck, do it with them – pray over them. Let it be heard. I promise it will be much more powerful. It makes me smile to think of my friend Carrie who is such a beautiful example of this! I can just hear her sweet voice “Hey, can we pray really quick?” or “I just feel like we all need to pray right now over this.” Shout-out to Carrie: you're awesome!

So anyways, this is kind of jumbled but as I sit here in the silence, at the end of a sweet day filled with laughter, praise, and love I am just filled with gratitude to be part of this family. Our families impact us SO much, whether we want to admit it or not. Our actions can have an eternal and lasting impact and we leave a legacy for future generations. As the Caldwell Clan welcomes our first little baby I can’t help but feel like our impact is just now starting. I want to be like my tias. I want to pray fervently over every detail of Baby Caleb’s life. I want my life to shine for Christ so that he may experience Him in a mighty way when we are together. I want him to come to a place where he personally enjoys God's overwhelming presence all the days of his life. I want to leave a legacy where faith is not just words, it’s not just church or Sunday School lessons; it’s a lifestyle, it’s action, it’s a daily and personal relationship with God that people can genuinely, unexplainably experience. 

What legacy do you want to leave?

A Year In Review

Well, I feel sort of obligated to write a New Years post. I was thinking about how we've attached New Years to new beginnings and fresh starts. It's a time to move on from the past and adopt new habits. I mean, I'm all about it. The goal-oriented, planner side of me just loves reflecting on the past and setting goals for the future.

I realized though, that as a believer, I have the opportunity to do this daily. Every day is a fresh start. Every day I learn new things about Jesus. Every day I am reminded of my inadequacies as I fall short again and again. Every day I am filled with gratitude that Jesus came to die so that my slate is wiped clean forever. I don't have to be perfect; I don't have to earn salvation; I'm not considered a hopeless case if I fail to reach every goal that I set. I just have to follow Jesus, and when I let go of trying to attain perfect faith then I find that my faith is perfected by the power of the Holy Spirit as I learn and grow every day in Him.

Mm, it's just a refreshing thought!

When I look back on the last year I see how God moved, tested, challenged, and blessed me. I had the opportunity to live in Hong Kong and learn about the people and culture of Asia. I fell in love with the Philippines and the children who were the most loving and fascinating people I've ever met. I traveled with my sister for the first time as we backpacked China. I graduated from Baylor. I maintained a long-distance relationship, moved to Indiana, and went through a break-up. I persevered through a 10-hour hospitalization program. I started my first real job and let it go when God asked me to go a different direction.

To be honest, 2013 was probably one of my most challenging years so far. On the outside, it seems there were many blessings within the last year, and there were, but there was a lot of testing as well. I was deeply humbled with everything that happened this past year. And ya know, I'm really grateful for that. Really grateful that I am starting 2014 in this humility, in this place of surrender. I've experienced how this humility really effects my every day, transforms my desires. I've never so strongly craved time with the Lord, so much so that I ran around last night making sure to pour into all of my relationships and commit to celebrate the holiday with them, but speed back home to ring in the New Year in prayer with family.

Every year just brings so much change when your seeking after the Lord, it's pretty crazy, it's pretty awesome, it's pretty crazy awesome.

So with all that being said, of course I still have plans for this year....I'm a planner remember? But these plans aren't necessarily what I need to accomplish or check off my life list, they're more desires to grow in the Lord and trust that He'll lead me wherever He needs me to be; trusting that God's plans are much, much better than anything I could ever think up - and I don't want to let my plans get in the way of hearing His plans.

So in 2014, I resolve to love more abundantly and courageously, to deepen my prayer life, to give more of my finances and time, to read more and glare at a computer less, to make more time for silence, to be fully recovered, to stop multi-tasking and live fully in each moment...

Really though, I'm just excited to continue to grow in the Lord, knowing that when I do that He aligns my desires with his, develops me more according to His will, and accomplishes things through me that I could have never accomplished on my own.

Each year is truly a beautiful year when you're walking alongside the Lord. My prayer is that many, many more will come to know this truth in 2014!

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

They Say Life's A Journey

I will instruct you, and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

My mom and I had a good ol' heart to heart the other night. Ya see, I'm still sort of in this weird in between stage in life. That time where you're officially done with school, officially considered an "adult" and yet officially...you still have no idea what you're doing. It's like people expect you to be an adult with all the crummy things like bills and responsibilities and work, and yet no one takes you seriously with all the cool things like your opinion, decisions, or advice.

But I guess that's the name of the game. So, you know, I think I'm okay with it. Varsity wouldn't be as awesome if you didn't have to work you're way to the top, right? There is just as much joy in the journey as the destination...and who wants to be an adult anyway? Once you're fully taken seriously, then that means you're full of wisdom, and to be full of wisdom you have to be old. Soooo I think I'm okay staying young for a bit.

Alriiight that was a rabbit trail, and I think I just invalidated everyone who says I am "wise beyond my years." (hopefully you detect me being dramatic and sarcastic above, I don't actually think you have to be old to be wise...who decides what is "old" anyways?)

ANYWAY the truth is, my mom and I had this heart to heart because I wanted to seek her approval. It almost felt like I was asking for her permission to get married, but instead was asking if I would receive her blessing to pursue a possible international ministry project.

Now, okay here's the thing. It's not like this comes as a complete surprise or anything. Obviously, international missions is something that has been on my heart for awhile now. Something I've already participated in. Something I've been to school for. BUT under certain circumstances there has been some apprehension as to when I should pursue a commitment to this particular type of work.

Well you know what she said?

Without hesitation, she said that she would support me wherever I felt God was leading and that she trusted me because she trusted the One who she knew I was following. What faith! I don't even know if I have that much confidence within myself and so to hear that just blew me away.

But there's a greater message to all of this. 

As she gave me her blessing she explained just why she was so quick to encourage me on my journey. She reminded me that God guides everyone down unique paths, and we are commanded to love and support people down those different paths. I realized in that moment, while experiencing first-hand my mom's compassion, that this is definitely an area where I have fallen short.

You see, I tend to think pretty black and white..I'm a "Paul," I like to lay it out for people. Here is Step 1, Step 2, Step 3...but it's not always as easy as 3 steps is it? (Though, boy, I wish it were) No because while we mean well...we can't always advise people from our bias perspective. We don't always have the answers. We can try to put on other people's lenses, we can try to walk a mile in their shoes, but we can't ever fully understand and we'll never fully be able to understand where they are in their walk with God either.

I don't want to be known as someone who is condemning. Challenging? Yes. But not condemning. I don't want to be seen as someone who lacks compassion. Or who fails to love, support, and accept people right where they're at. Of course I still believe in mentors and discipleship and accountability and all that jazz; all of that is just fine and dandy. I still believe in confronting believers when the Spirit leads you that way. I still believe in the commandments of the Bible, that "love means that we live by doing what he commands" (2 John 6).

But I guess I just feel that first and foremost we are to love others. To extend compassion to those who are on their own unique journey. Not condemn those who have a different passion then ours. Not judge those who may desire marriage and kids over a career. Not label those who stay in their hometowns as "complacent" or "safe."

I'm guilty of all these things. 

Yet it took someone extending compassion to me, in the midst of many who were pressuring and judging me in my convictions. Not trusting me when I told them that I am going to God daily asking for direction and discernment - wanting HIS will to be done, and not my own. They were trying to tell me that I need to do Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. I think we need to be careful with that fine line between seeking accountability and wisdom, and trying to please man over God. I'm learning it's a very difficult thing to have to turn away from people at times, especially those who you hold close and dearly love, but ultimately I answer to God first and I always will.

We all may think there is a right way and a wrong way, and you know sometimes there is... But sometimes, people just need love and encouragement, need to be directed to seek Jesus who is the true Shepherd, need compassion right where they're at, and need support within their unique journey towards righteousness.

I'm excited for my journey and I'm excited about others' journeys. I'm glad that all of our lives are different. We so often fight that but it's truly what makes life so beautiful! Our different quarks and talents, jobs and lifestyles, timelines and journeys all act as the BEST examples of how beautiful our God is, how many different ways He works, how diverse are the people He equips, and how unique are His avenues to do so.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. 1 Corinthians 12:4:4-6

The Humble Story of Christmas

So I'm sitting here at the end of a very merry Christmas and reflecting on the holiday which is so full of family and friends, love and joy, gifts and thanksgiving. I think it's difficult for anyone to remember the "reason for the season" in the midst of all the shopping, lights, and carols. Not to say all of the hoopla isn't enjoyable - because it definitely is! Yet even for those who genuinely desire to place Jesus at the center of the season, who want to genuinely worship at the Christmas Eve service - well it's still just difficult. I can't really describe why. I mean maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the familiarity of it all, the distractions, or even just all the excitement of reunions and family that can bring me away from remembering that ALL of this - the lights, the gifts, the food - is all to commemorate how God brought His son to transform the world.

I was reflecting on that this morning. No one in my family bothers to wake up early now that we're older and there are no children in the family [for now - baby Caleb will be here any day now!! :)]. I'm the oddball in that I prefer early mornings and despise procrastination in a family who lives for late nights, later mornings, and last-minute shopping. So in the quiet of the morning I was spending precious time with the Lord, reflecting on the holiday and the story of Jesus.

And this is what I realized.

Maybe it's hard to truly remember the birth of Jesus during Christmas because the way we celebrate is the complete opposite to how God chose for it all to go down.

I know we've all heard it. We've all heard the story. We've sang the carols. We've watched the church plays and gazed at nativity scenes. But really, if you stop and think about it...the story of Jesus is really stinkin cool. It is just SUCH a story of humility. A story of how God chose the unexpected, young, and willing Mary to carry His Son who would change the world forever. He chose the faithful Joseph to be the earthly father of His Son, the Messiah. He allowed those who were obedient and ready to experience that day when Jesus was born into the world. He chose the humble setting of a manger - so simple that only a few knew of the birth that would change the world...forever.

Now, millions celebrate baby Jesus, or at least the holiday that commemorates that day. Yet we make the occasion so extravagant, we bury Jesus under the twinkling lights and over-the-top parties. But when you look at the story of Jesus, the "Christmas Story" you see something very different. Generations had prophesied about this Messiah who would come and change the course of history, many expected things to be over-the-top, maybe they expected the kind of celebration we now traditionally have to remember this birth. But God did not lay out the story to be this way. He chose simple, He chose difficult.

Then there's Mary and Joseph.

They had to suffer on a long journey. They had to face rejection and loneliness as they traveled far from their families. Their circumstance led them to look to God for comfort and reassurance, it allowed for God to equip them as they brought Jesus into the world in a strange place with nothing. I mean for pete's sake, Mary made a manger out of straw!

But then...their faithfulness in that difficult place was rewarded when those who God chose to experience baby Jesus came with gifts and worshiped.

Man, isn't that what it's about?

To be willing to follow God no matter what that means like Mary and Joseph, and to trust that He will be with you. Taking the long journey, facing the hardship and times of loneliness, allowing God to equip and provide for you, and experiencing how your obedience can draw others in to come and worship Jesus.

That is the reward. 

Not monetary gain or a bigger mansion in Heaven. The reward is experiencing when God is brought greater glory and experiencing how God chose and used YOU to accomplish that. Despite your inadequacies, He chose you. Mary and Joseph didn't receive the praise that night, but they received the reward of sharing in the righteousness of God. Their reward came when they were chosen to play a part of the story of Jesus - His birth, and later His death and resurrection. They were part of the transformation of the world.

It's personal transformation and being chosen to play a role in the transformation of others for the glory of God - which is the greatest gift of all.

Falling Towards Jesus

So someone asked me the other day if I had ever fallen flat on my face. I sort of laughed to myself, because well...for one I had just journaled about how MUCH I seem to fall flat on my face and two it seems to happen so often that I almost found the question silly. We don't seem to think it's very silly when it happens though do we? We're usually our harshest critics and sometimes we fail to extend the same compassion to ourselves as we do to others.

Every morning, I usually journal or write out my prayers. There is just something about it that helps me channel into being fully present with God. If I am focused on writing, my mind cannot wander in a million different directions like it normally tends to do.

So maybe some of y'all know that I'm in this process of recovery for this thing that I don't openly talk about, haha. That sounds so silly! But I do like to maintain SOME privacy. Anyway, there is so much I'm learning just in this PROCESS though that I feel so aligns with life and struggles that we encounter in our faith.

I thought I'd share a piece of my journal with you all. Within it you might see that 1. I allow perfectionism and religiosity to trap me into guilt and shame even within my walk with God 2. That I have become pretty good at falling on my face 3. That even through it all, this process of peaks and valleys still draws me more intimate with the One who matters and for that I remain truly grateful.

December 11, 2013

7:15am 

I didn't spend time with Jesus yesterday. I know that God still loves me and I've gotten wrapped up in religiosity if I consider myself a failure for missing ONE quiet time. It's just, I even had the time to do it.. but instead chose to fall flat on my face - without wanting to consult God, just wanting to regain my control. Sigh. How I so hoped for miraculous healing, how I still hope for that at times - but I think I know why God is taking me down a process of ups and downs within my recovery journey. It's such a direct reflection of life. I mean, we know that life is a series of mountains and valleys, right? We are told to EXPECT struggles and hardships. And yet we so easily forget that God is sovereign, that a valley will one day lead to a mountain. That a summit is promised for the future where He awaits and we will be united with Him. Forever victorious, we'll stand with Jesus and look down at the series of mountains and valleys that brought us closer to the very likeness of God and all of which came together for His glory. ALL of the journey was used for our good and His Kingdom, all were part of the journey that led to the summit, to eternity with a God who was with us through it all, and who we now get to enjoy in fullness. We are told to rejoice in the process, in the hardships, in the blessings and the pain. 

...Do we really though? I mean yeah it's wa-hay easier said than done. Our reaction is more often frustration and doubts, complaints and hurt. My goodness, I am grateful that God always takes me back. That just like the prodigal son's father ran to him with open arms, delighted in his return, God hurts when I stray from Him and rejoices when I return. Wow, I need daily grace. So desperately. I am pretty perfect at being imperfect (though I try to not allow others to see that). Instead, don't I really make an effort to try and make my life seem perfect? We all sort of do. We all post the best pictures, of the best times, at our happiest moments. Obviously, it is polite to be socially acceptable but with all this media stuff sometimes I think we take it too far. We allow others to fall into envy or feelings of discontent off of our fake perfection. But anyway...I've gotten pretty good at falling flat on my face. Yet I realized...how much easier is it to fall on your knees before Jesus when you're on the ground already? It's often in that place that I experience the greatest intimacy with Jesus versus that higher place of perfection and pride. So if getting to that intimate place means falling on my face often, well...then so be it. I'll just get up again and fall more and more towards Jesus. 

"Dear friends, don't be surprised by the fiery troubles that are coming in order to test you. Don't feel as though something strange is happening to you, but be happy as you share Christ's sufferings. Then you will also be full of joy when he appears again in his glory" 1 Peter 3:12-13

Precious God, I thank you. I just thank You for this process. For breaking me down and building me up. For engulfing me with Your intimate love within every valley and every mountain. I often cannot see what lies ahead, but I trust You. I trust that You will work all of this out for good as You have promised for the one who truly loves You. And I do Lord, I truly do. So I just thank you again, for Your daily grace that I so desperately need. I thank You for the tests which draw me closer to Your very heart, deeper in my compassion for Your people, hungry for more and more and more of You. I surrender it to You God, all of it. The process, the worries I carry, the hurt and the anger and the frustration. I am not meant to walk through this alone, so forgive me for times that I try to. For times that I allow my stubbornness and want of control to abandon the pure truth that I need You. So so desperately. My God, who am I that You would run to me with open arms? That you would hug and kiss me after all the times I have failed You? I don't know if I'll ever understand why you do it, but I know that You do. I remain in awe that You do. You sent Your son to suffer for man and as I follow His lead I will joyfully expect the same suffering. Place in me a heart of gladness and genuine joy in that suffering. That I may experience the sweet goodness of Jesus, of the cross, of the victory that awaits for me in eternity. I place my trust in Your sovereign and mighty plan. I love You and I praise You. Amen. 

Abundance & Poverty

Woohoo it's Christmas time! Where life is merry and jolly and bright. I'm going to be honest I love the Christmas decorations and songs just as must as the next person. The Lord has brought me to a precious time in my life lately. It's been 6 months since I've been back in America and my time has been a mixed emotion of joy and deep conviction. My mom will probably roll her eyes if she reads this because I've talked to her about it so much, and it just so happens that the Sunday message covered this very conviction. The conviction of just how difficult it is to live in a culture of abundance.

"I believe that God is in control, yes, but I also believe I have a choice: I can follow Him or I can turn my back on Him. I can say yes to Him, or I can say no. I can go to the hard places or I can remain comfortable. And if I remain comfortable, God who loves us unconditionally will continue to love me anyway. I may still see His glory revealed in my life and recognize His blessings, but not like I could have." - Katie Davis

Disobedience plagues our culture, stuff clouds our ability to hear the voice of God. Sure the Lord will still be with us, He will walk with us down the path that we chose, but our disobedience can still cause us to miss out on the incredible life we could have had if we had chosen God's best for us and not our best for us.

I have been called to be a vocational missionary. I know it. I think I've known it for awhile now, but for a time I tried to negotiate with God. I tried to combine my desires with God's desires, a sort of half-obedience if you will..."Well, maybe I could still live in America and just work for a missions organization." "Well, I mean I still want to utilize my education right? I should build up my savings first." "Well, I'll go once I'm married and once I have life figured out (ha! as if that's even possible)." If you've ever hung out with me you have most likely heard me say something like this at some point. I wanted to justify my selfish desires. I wanted to gain the approval of friends and family who want to see me find "success" (whatever that means). I wanted to follow this American dream and timeline that I often feel pressured to follow. I wanted to trust God with the big picture but take the small details into my own hands.

So I had to stop and I had to remember that God is above it all - He's above this timeline I've placed on my life, He's above this American dream, He's even above my friends and family (though you know I love y'all). I first felt called to ministry and missions three years ago when I was humbled to a point of complete surrender. God had brought me to my breaking point. I had fallen away and I was just done. In that place, my humility and brokenness finally opened my mind and body for God's Spirit to enter in and use me.

"Humble yourselves in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position" James 4:10 

I don't think it's any coincidence that God repeatedly chose the most humble and unexpected people to do His work. Moses - a murderer turned lowly shepherd, Jonah - an ordinary fisherman, Mary - a peasant girl, Rahab - a prostitute. God didn't just choose these people to shock everyone (though it did), He chose them because it is in a place of humility that we can come to surrender to God's power and His will and His words and actions which can move mountains through us. I would be weary of a pastor who claims to have it all together - because it's not the prideful that the Lord can equip. Pride acts as one of the greatest barriers to the Holy Spirit. Are you comfortable? Secure? Confident in what you've got to offer? Clap, clap, clap...

Okay that might sound harsh but it's only because I do desperately want others to see that the very things the world applauds are the very things that stand in the way of us experiencing God to the fullest and experiencing HIS best for us! This is a hard world to live in. I know. Scripture warns us of that. We are to expect that. But I believe the things that are tough in the world are not all the things we acknowledge to be tough - like poverty, war, corruption, terrorism... no, even non-believers can see that these things are bad.

No, I believe what is worse are the the things that are not as clearly identified or openly talked about. The very things that keep us spiritually impoverished and separate us from experiencing the fullness of a saving God. Things like envy - staring at a computer and wanting what others have; greed - not just want of fortune but even want of security - 401k, retirement plans, all our money tucked away in savings to keep us secure and safe while millions suffer from malnutrition and limited access to healthcare. We want to save all of our money so we can enjoy long vacations and be worry free. We want to keep OUR right of OUR money, OUR control of OUR money. But it's not our money is it? It's God's money. You know this right? Are you acting as if it's not your own? Or is it mostly going towards things for you? I'm sorry if I seem to be guilt-tripping, but you know what...I am. Because well America needs to be guilt-tripped. You can hold onto your material wealth and experience spiritual poverty OR give your resources for Kingdom work and experience the very heart of God. You choose. But I'm not going to choose to pretend that it's okay. That the abundance of our nation and the spiritual death we're experiencing is okay. Because, well, it's just not.

OKAY, so to extend some grace here I can imagine that if you have been in a place where all you know is comfort of material wealth then I can see how difficult it would be to make a decision to devote more of your finances to Kingdom work and less to personal stuff. I get it. It would be scary. But Scripture says repeatedly "Do not fear." You think God says that to encourage those who are comfortable? That just makes no sense. No, He says it because He knows that His children who truly follow Him will indeed face situations that evoke fear. It's in those places that He meets us. I 100% promise that intimacy with God - I mean a real, all-consuming relationship with Jesus, almost always requires us to sacrifice and to be in a place of discomfort; but IT IS WORTH IT. The half-intimacy with God that we settle for - the lifestyle that we try to compromise, to have both God and the world, both comfort and the blessings of God; will eventually break down our soul, and it's really just not worth it to hold onto things that are guaranteed to fade away. You will miss out on the best God has for you. Oh he'll still met you there, will still love and forgive you by His kindness...but you will miss out.

All that being said, I know that God has again brought me to a place of brokenness and humility to bring me back to the best He has for me. Three years ago I was there, I said "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Then slowly I began to justify, I made excuses because of my fears, built up pride that came even in ministry (oh yeah, that happens). Then it all came crashing down and I was reminded of truth. I was brought back to a place of surrender: "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Not to say that mission work is the highest calling. I believe God's best for you can be a variety of jobs and fields. Do I believe you must be called to be a vocational missionary? Yes. Do I believe many more are called than are actually going? Yes.

"...Yet you don't know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:14-15

Life is tough. Stuff distracts us. We face envy and pride and want of security - dangers which keep us from spiritual intimacy with the one true God. If God hasn't brought you to a place of complete brokenness to see the things that keep you from His best for you, I pray that He will. I'm going to pray that He allows for circumstances in your life that will bring you to your knees and will help you realize you are nothing without God. That you will be brought to a place where all you want is the best that He has for you - no matter what that means and whatever changes that means for your life. That is the kind of life that will bring God glory, not you, not me, but Him. And that's where the glory belongs.