Is Doubt a Bad Thing?

Wow, yeah. So it has been quite a long time since I have written. There has been a good amount that has happened since my last blog and there were often times that I considered writing an update. I think my mind has just been so full with thoughts and life has been so messy in transition that I couldn't even bring myself to write.

I'll be honest - this time abroad has been extremely challenging for me. I actually want to apologize if I have made it appear to be nothing but grand, that "eurolife" is nothing but perfection with tea and biscuits, beautiful architecture, and pain au chocolat (though all those things are delightful!). I think it is pretty much built into social media to only portray the good in life, which I guess makes sense because how could you even picture hardship? (Minus the people that post facebook statuses angry at their boyfriends or prayer requests etc.) ANYWAY, I realized that I was portraying my life here as pure rainbows and butterflies when my friend messaged me about how it appeared that I was settling in wonderfully and enjoying Belfast etc. etc. in which I had to respond with the truth that actuallllly, I was having a really hard time.

So for those who want an update and for those who want a life lesson, luckily a life with the Lord almost always provides both. I am not 100% sure why this time around has been so difficult. I actually expected it to be a smooth transition, as Belfast is not as different from America as other places that I have lived. Yet I have been challenged and stretched here in ways that I did not anticipate. In reflection, I guess it maybe has to do with me coming here on my own whereas in the past I traveled with other Baylor students or interns or exchange students etc. The project I am working with is brand new so there are inevitable challenges and unknowns to the start-up of a new initiative. Then there's other miscellaneous hardships and all of this has inevitably allowed a lot of my insecurities and questions to surface.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself, remembering conversations before I left about how I was anticipating some loneliness at the beginning, prepared that it would surely be different than my expectations, and that I knew I would inevitably struggle some in transition. Yet here I am - faced with all of my premonitions and I'm crumbling! Oh how we can never be fully prepared on our own. I have said in the past and stand to this now, that in the midst of struggle we can either run from God or draw closer to God. The Lord is teaching me now though that even in times of doubt, in questioning, in crying out; even if we feel as though we are running from God, that God knows our heart and in the end His will is accomplished and He will draw us back to Him. We can never be far from the love of God.

So I took advantage of the Belfast Central Library and checked out John Pritchard's book "God Lost and Found." It has been such an encouraging book for me in the midst of personal darkness. I want to be vulnerable and honest with everyone that I felt my heart growing in frustration and was facing a lot of doubts in my faith AND through this I have learned that sometimes doubt is okay. I think at times believers can get uncomfortable by people who have questions, we much prefer just to agree with one another, quote a popular Scripture verse, throw out some Christian lingo, say "I'll pray for you," and boom...we move on. But I believe the Lord desires that we go deeper with Him, and to go deeper with Him sometimes we have to ask hard questions. Now, that doesn't mean we will always find the answers or even that we will experience peace, but I believe that as we continue searching, asking, seeking God that He will grow us in wisdom and ultimately will use us for His glory.

"A sense of being on a quest is part of this model of pilgrimage. 

We can never have the Christian faith caught in a jar and put on a shelf. 

It must remain an exploration until the end of our lives." 

- John Pritchard

Just as the Lord promises us abundance of life, Scripture also promises hardship within it. This can only mean that full abundance comes from both blessings and hardship. We are told to fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep the faith (2 Tim 4:7). Through suffering, God can create in us a new mental and emotional landscape. Sometimes, we have to be submerged before we can re-emerge with Him again. After all, was this not what Jesus himself had to do?

Just as Jesus cried out "My God, why have you forsaken me?" there will surely be times in our life as well that we face seasons of doubt. That is when our faith comes down to commitment. I felt so shaken when I would cry out to the Lord and would feel nothing in return. I felt like I was talking to the walls, uncertain whether God was even near. I wanted to feel His presence, I was praying that He would allow me to feel Him near. Anything God! A rushing sensation, a bird chirping, a quiet moment of peace...give  me something! But I got nothing. So if God promises that He IS near and He dwells right within me, then what's the deal? I realized though, that my desire for a physical reaction was reducing God to my expectation, as if God is here only to serve my spiritual need. I believe the modern-day church is guilty of an over-emphasis on this experience in worship, creating an atmosphere that advocates that its somehow better to have some mystical encounter with God than just to be in a simple room of believers singing as one, as if God should only appear in some magical way or through physical chills. The truth is though, that authentic experience of the Lord often comes in the mundane of daily life. In the smile of a child, in the display of a sunset, in the smell of the forest - as Creator he is immersed in all things. We can experience the glory of God in all that surrounds us if only we slow down and open our eyes to recognize it.

"It is often in places of fragility and vulnerability that our journey back to an awareness of God begins. When we have lost our spiritual bearings it may be that we should have recourse to some form of desert. When everything else is stripped away and it's just you, nature and God, nature may well respond and reveal the secrets of her Creator" - God Lost and Found 

In seasons of frustration and doubt our faith often comes down to obedience and commitment. Like a relationship that has passed the honeymoon stage, the newlywed bliss, the newfound love of young parenthood, there reaches a season when love is simply love because you are committed to that person. It is not always Cloud 9, a butterfly in your stomach, or giddiness in your cheeks - it is a commitment of a different kind of depth and beautiful in its own sense. A unique intimacy undervalued by our society which is more taken by the thrills and the frills. Just like Jesus asked his three closest friends to "remain here, and stay awake with me" (Matt 26:38); He asks us to do the same. It may not be the popular thing, but our task is to stay, whether we feel His presence or not.

"The doubt of the believer is like the roots of a tree searching down into the depths of the earth, going in entirely the opposite direction to that of the tree. But only because those roots are deep is the tree secure from the blasts of winter. Shallow roots would be ripped up. The deep roots of doubt, going apparently in the opposite direction to faith, are actually a guarantee against immaturity and the premature shipwreck of faith. To have entered the zone of dark doubt is to have had to face the demons, the negative arguments, the wondering 'if this was all folly,' and to have found an accommodation, a way of staying in there." - John Pritchard

The older I get, the more experiences I have, the greater the tests and challenges I face, I realize that there are many things in life that cannot be captured or certain. Many things take time for reflecting, discussing, leaving for awhile, deepening, etc. I like to have things figured out, but I'm finding that this is not God's design. God's design is that we must come to him for our daily bread, always coming, always trusting, committing our lives to a never-ending relationship with God. How refreshing it is to praise a Saviour who cannot be figured out, who is not so small to fit into my logical mind, to be plugged into a formula, or to be reduced to one simple answer. The complexity, vastness, wonder of God is the very thing that keeps me coming back day by day. The more I learn the more I love, the more I hurt the more I depend, the more I thirst the more I am filled and I commit to new teachings every day. It is a wonderful life, though not vacant of hardships.

One of me and Mikael's favorite hymns to sing together is Day by Day,
and the words are always an encouragement to me:
"Day by day, and with each passing moment, 
Strength I find to meet my trials here, 
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, 
I've no cause for worry or for fear. 
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, 
Gives unto each day what He deems best. 
Loveingly it's part of pain and pleasure, 
Mingling toil with peace and rest"

I encourage you to embrace a life like this. Not of stale faith, one that simply places a label over a life but has no implication on how you live or how you think or how you feel. Not of black and white faith that claims to know the truth of every word of the Bible, as if we can ever fully know what God's intent was behind this or that. Not of surface level faith that only follows the crowd at church or the words of the pastor but never seeks to personally know more about the Lord in one's own life, never allows the Spirit in, never surrenders to a personal journey towards wisdom and Christ-likeness. And hear me out - I'm not making doubt some kind of virtue or desiring that you indulge in questioning, but simply that you should not fear going there, not fear going deeper with a God who calls us to follow Him into the depths.

"Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt and even at times without despair, 

believe only in the idea of God, not in God himself."

 - Miguel de Unamuno 

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you" Psalm 39:7

I write this with a sad and heavy heart at the end of my last day here at the CooperRiis farm. This interim project in North Carolina was challenging in ways that I would have never anticipated. It is truly fascinating what you learn about yourself when you live and work in the same place. You realize your own selfishness when you face the challenge of serving people 24/7. Extend that to serving those who do not always want to be served or loved, and who face deep mental turmoil...it is just not easy. I walk away from this time having grown tremendously in flexibility and adaptability. In my role, I was pushed to be a chameleon and I grew a lot because of it. 

One of my biggest challenges at CooperRiis has been learning how to stand for Christ in an organization that is not faith-based. As a ministry student it was quite easy to talk about the Lord in conversation, in relationship, in many aspects of daily life. Throughout my summers, I often worked in a faith-based organization or got plugged into some kind of faith-based mission work. This was the first time that I was led to serve missionally in a secular organization. Moreover, a therapeutic community which tends to acknowledge Eastern beliefs and shy away from Christianity. I have noticed that conversations involving faith are extremely sensitive and can easily arouse some kind of controversy. There seems to be a lot of hurt and resentment towards the church. With this reality, I have learned just how difficult it can be to stand for Christ in a society that categorizes you as "religious" and ties jaded philosophies and stereotypes to that label. 

"They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator...Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them" Romans 1: 25, 32

While I had some experience with opposition in the past, I started over-thinking my approach. Just how could I maintain boundaries, remain respectful, not come off as condemning; while still bringing glory to the Lord in all of my work and still stand for truth? I am a pretty vocal person, so as time went on and I fell more quiet in an attempt to respect boundaries, I started to get frustrated with myself. I was frustrated by this pluralistic mentality that I seemed to constantly face. "You believe what you believe, and I'll believe what I believe and all will be fine." But no! That is not fine with me - because if I truly loved those around me then I would not just sit back and watch as they walk towards the edge of a jagged cliff. If I am filled to the brim with joy and life I cannot just keep quiet as though it does not exist. Just like when someone is in love and they seem to take every opportunity to bring up that person ("The sky is so blue today" "My boyfriend's favorite color is blue..."), I love to bring up Jesus and to see and acknowledge how the Lord is undeniably in nature, in people, and in situations. 

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse" Romans 1:20

I remember a conversation I had within the first few weeks of being at CooperRiis. I was cleaning the dining room with another intern and he started talking about his perspective on our community. "But I would do things a little differently. What is healing without the saving power of Jesus?" I was profoundly impacted by this statement. Without the hope of the Cross what hope do any of us have on our own? I feel a sting deep in my heart when I talk to residents about their dreams and their vision for the future. Residents and many others in this world are completely uncertain of their purpose in life. Their dreams and goals extend only to what the world can offer - money, career, relationships - all things that can come crashing down and leave people feeling hopeless. Oh if only more would take hold of the freedom that is offered in Christ! Freedom which raises life from death and allows those who are lost to be found. 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy." Psalm 103:2-4

As time went on, I continued to struggle with this issue. It probably did not help that I was also reading through Acts about the boldness and courage of disciples who spread the Good News; who even in the face of rejection simply brushed off their sandals and continued. And here I was, feeling so paralyzed by the dynamic of the therapeutic community I was in - unable to find a balance of my desire to be respectful and loving but still confident in faith. While I processed this internal battle and prayed for direction, I realized my desire for control seeping in. I was trying to find some formula rather than trusting the Spirit to guide me in every situation. The Lord may open opportunities for us to speak up, but there are also times that the Spirit will lead us to be still, to be silent. There are times that we would be more of a barrier to the Gospel if we were to speak up, then if we simply met each person where they were and loved them with no condition. I must remember that it is not my responsibility to save the world for that has already been done. I am simply a vessel for God's Kingdom. His plan will be accomplished with or without me. He can use me only when I surrender to His leading. I am not to evaluate my effectiveness but am to trust that the Lord will grow seeds that are sown according to His purpose. 

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.'" Psalm 31:14

I leave here knowing that many still walk in darkness. As I stared out my window this morning, tears poured out for each of the lives here on the farm. For those who know me, you know I am not the most emotional person - and when I do cry it is usually something related to myself: I'm in pain, someone broke my heart, or I am frustrated with myself. This time, my tears were tears of genuine sorrow (not pity) out of love for each resident - wanting them so badly to find hope in Jesus and escape the shadow of death. How I pray that they do not just find healing in self-realization, or a career goal, or whatever else - but that they would find real life in Christ. I have never felt such a profound desire for others' salvation. I have never felt so genuinely desperate that people who are lost be found. Yet I have to trust that the Lord is above me, He is working out His plan for the glory of His Name, and He will open eyes to the truth and grant life to those who accept it. In every place I go I will face those who will reject this gift that is offered to them. At the end of the day, all I can do is love God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind and trust that He will use me as a vessel to live out the Good News in love, for others and for His Kingdom. 

"He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Psalm 23:3

"Everything from Jesus' parables, to his healings, to his controversies, to his warnings and all of that, the reason they were telling this stuff is not just that it was good advice for them in their own day but that it actually mattered, that it actually happened. And if it hadn't happened you're into a totally different world-view.. A world-view which is about ideas, which is about self-realization, hugely popular in our culture just now, 'discovering who I really am.' For goodness sake, Jesus didn't come to help me discover who I really am. He came to tell me who he knew I really was and to do something about it - And that's much better news" 

- N.T. Wright, Bishop of Durham, The Case for Christ

So You Graduated

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Oh graduation! Such a beautiful time of celebration: senior pictures, graduation parties, and sad good-bye songs. The grand finale of 12+ years of school. You have crossed the finish line and been handed that hard-earned diploma.

It is hard to imagine that it has already been a year since I graduated, since I stepped across that imaginary line into the “real world.” It seems to have flown by and yet when I look back a year ago today I see that a lot has happened and I have learned a great deal.

This time is such a pivotal time in life. The year after college is hard for a lot of reasons, some of which were a surprise to me. This precious time can be a time to draw near and intimate with the Lord, but it can also be a vulnerable time that leads people astray. So, I thought I might share some things that I learned within my first year of this “real world.”

1. I desire community. My entire life up until graduation, community has pretty much been handed to me on a silver platter. As students, we are surrounded by community. We are in classes with people around the same age, with similar life struggles, and who often come from the same socio-economic class and culture as we do. Boom. Friendship.

…Then you get out into the real world. You move for a job or a friend or a boyfriend or an adventure. Suddenly, you find yourself in a big pool of people who are all different ages, in different life stages, have different beliefs, and different priorities. You quickly find that it is not as easy to build community as it was freshman year of college when you literally became friends with someone after 5 minutes. The reality is that the people around you may not be looking or even wanting your friendship. They will probably already have their friends, their family, and their hobbies that take up more of their time than they even have. So you come in excited to build relationship and are met with rejection or apathy. You go to work, come home, and want to explore your new life but not necessarily on your own. So you hop on Facebook and you stare at the faces of everyone else that seem to live perfect, happy lives surrounded by tons of friends. As the loneliness comes over you all you think is “man, I miss college.” This will happen, and that’s okay.

Loneliness is something that can make or break you. In Scripture, we are told that as believers we are guaranteed times of loneliness. ("I did not sit in the company of revelers, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone, because your hand was upon me, for you had filled me with indignation." Jeremiah 15:17) We should anticipate it, because unfortunately while many may believe in God or claim some form of spirituality – majority do not have a personal relationship with the Lord. It can be difficult to find other authentic believers to befriend. Yet the Lord can use times of loneliness to draw us further into intimacy with Him. What a sweet, sweet time it is to rely less on the church or other believers for our faith and to draw deeper and deeper in dependence on God. On the other hand, this desire for community may lead some to seek it where they can find it – and that usually means settling for friends who may not be believers, going out and doing what the world says you should do in your 20s, and following a path that leads to a lot of emptiness and probably eventually…further loneliness.

Take the time to seek community in healthy, Christ-filled relationships if at all possible. Yet be aware that it is going to take time and when you face the loneliness that is sure to come allow the Lord to find you in that place and fill you with His living water. I promise nothing compares.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24

2. I am a breed of the “adventure” culture. I have noticed something about our generation. Many of us are beginning to rebel from the societal ideal that tells us to get a job, open a 401k, get married, settle in the suburbs, and retire at a ripe old age of 65. More and more, I see people getting out and taking the time to travel, go on adventures, and experience other cultures. Now, I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with any of these things. In fact, I am excited to see how our culture will grow as our generation develops eyes which are widened to the outside world. The motive is what I fear. The idea that “God is adventure” or “I must do big things for God!” The desire to seek these things just as a way to oppose the system; and say “Ha! Take that society!”

What I have learned is that the Lord is present in both the big and the small. I am no more righteous if I serve with an indigenous tribe than if I serve my family in our suburban home. There are many ways that the Lord can use us for His glory – one way is no better than the other. Some of my greatest Jesus moments this past year have been in simple daily tasks; a conversation with a stranger while getting lost; scrubbing a toilet alongside a resident; singing hymns in my car; taking in the stillness of each morning. The Lord is in every experience if I allow Him to be, if I acknowledge Him and ask Him to walk with me through each day. 

So I want to apologize for the times that I have emphasized adventure or huge events to be the biggest moments of glory in my life. The truth is - I experience glory in the small details of every day. Maybe I do not talk about that very much because well…it might be boring to hear about those things. But I want to be careful not to neglect the truth of the simple joy that comes from being a child of God each and every day, no matter how exciting or mundane that day may be. You do not have to go on an adventurous safari trek in Africa or an Amazonian mission trip to find the Lord – He is there, within you, and every day is an adventure when you get to follow and surrender to a mighty and incredible God.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" 

Colossians 3:23

3. I do not have it all figured out and I do not want to. I am a girl and I like timelines. I like to have things planned and know what is coming. This also means that I often fall prey to a waiting game. I get so excited for whatever step is next that I fail to live fully on the very step that I am actually on. Life can easily become a never-ending waiting game. By my last semester, I was so ready for graduation that I was pretty much zombie-mode those last few weeks of waiting. When I graduated, I was so excited to move to Indiana. When I was nearing the end of my time in Indiana, I was just ready to be back in Texas. When I was back in Texas, I was just excited to start my first job. Then comes waiting anxiously for marriage and kids and on and on and on I go. That mentality was exhausting! 

All the big moments and transitions of life are great, and I love how the Lord has placed everything in its own timing. He prepares us for every stage in our life, and when we are ready to move to the next we will know because He will guide us there. Yet again and again I try to take my timeline into my own hands, under my control. I do not think the blame is all on me though. As a college grad, be prepared for that golden question “So what is your plan now?” My new favorite answer is “My plan is to have no plan.” I love taking the opportunity to share about my desire to grow in my trust of the Lord. Yes, I still have my responsibility to work hard, to steward the resources God provides for me, and to be wise in decisions. However for me it is very natural to over-plan, but it is not so natural to let go and trust. So that is where my focus is: to trust the Lord, to surrender, to let go of my plans and follow His will.

"But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:11

There is sad news though, unfortunately the Lord will not just lay out His plan for you so that you can anticipate all that will happen in your life. He is not going to tell you what age you will marry, or when He will open that job opportunity for you or even what is coming in the next season of your life. It is frustrating, it is hard; yet it is also beautiful how the Lord would set it up in such a way that requires us to come to Him daily. He provides just enough for our daily bread. I come to Him daily and every day fall more in love and more in faith. He teaches me how to have peace in the unknown, confidence in the future, and fullness in the present. His daily fellowship is fully satisfying and I want nothing more than to soak in it and enjoy it and love others because of it; plan or no plan. 

It is still definitely a process that the Lord is teaching me – and I do not claim to not have my to-do lists or ideals, because I do. Yet I choose to focus on slowly letting go of the control I still claim over my life and allowing God to take it all. So while society, friends and family, and even your own mind will encourage you towards a 5-year plan; be prepared to be flexible, anticipate change, pray for a heart of boldness and obedience for when that change comes; take one day at a time; and enjoy it. 

Congrats graduates!

Jes(us) Culture

So, I recently traveled home for Easter to pack my things for Northern Ireland and say bye to family and friends. One of the biggest blessings of the week was having my boyfriend visit from Norway. Okay, I know I know.. I haven't mentioned this new love of my life. I have found that it's best to keep relationships sacred. In short for those who don't know, Mikael and I were friends in Hong Kong and the Lord brought him back into my life last Fall and he has become my absolute best friend and love of my life in every sense!

SO that's that. I'm so grateful that the Lord has allowed this love story to unfold in my life. But, I actually want to share with you all an argument Mikael and I had during his visit. Wait, what? You're not going to share that your life is perfect and being in love is sunshine and butterflies? NOPE. On the contrary, I'm going to be real and share with you how grateful I am for a love that can be challenging and uncomfortable; and share how God used my relationship to steer me further on the path of righteousness.

Here's how it happened:

It was a lovely afternoon and mom, Mike, and I were headed to the lake for a picnic lunch. I turned on the radio and found a station of a secular song that I enjoyed. Mike was quiet. When we stopped and pulled over for directions (we got lost of course), Mike got my attention and told me he was upset in regards to the music. He told me we would talk about it later and so I turned it off and sat in silence for a little bit. The day before we had talked about music, how we should filter everything that we see and hear. Mike had voiced his disapproval of some of the music I listened to. You see, I still listen to secular music at times. I watch mainstream TV shows and movies. I never really thought it was a big deal. I knew where my foundation was and in moderation I felt it was okay. After all, we may not be of the world but we still live in it...well Mikael felt differently and as the leader of our relationship I wanted to respect his opinion. We went on with the picnic and I quietly prayed and talked to God throughout the day in regards to all of this. When we got home, I was in my room and I knew the Spirit was telling me that this music thing was something I should take seriously. I didn't need to make excuses or compare myself to other believers, I needed to listen to the Lord when He was directing me. I think I had always known that secular music was something I should let go of but I had ignored the conviction thinking it was "unnecessary" or "too radical." Honestly, part of me just selfishly wanted to listen to it. Later that evening, we addressed this music conflict. It quickly turned into a back-and-forth debate. Towards the end, Mike talked about how difficult it was to be vocal about all of this because he loves me and he wants to please me, but he knew that it was best and he felt strongly that this was something I needed to let go of to pursue a holy lifestyle. I so appreciated good leadership in that moment. I realized then that a good leader was not one who was always going to agree with me or simply lead in a way that I was comfortable with. A good leader was going to challenge me and make me feel uncomfortable at times, because the pursuit of righteousness is not easy and it's definitely not always comfortable.

So you know how the Lord is always such a patient and loving Father that He often sends us a message multiple times and in multiple ways so that our stubborn hearts may eventually hear and receive? This was one of those instances.

Throughout the week, we decided to read through Philippians since we're in the process of memorizing it. It's incredible just how much this very issue is brought up in this book. Eventually we got to Philippians 3:18 "For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ" ...It doesn't specify nonbelievers as these enemies. Meaning those who live as enemies of the cross could include believers who resist total sacrifice, wanting to hold on to this world and not surrender wholly to the pure and blameless path of Jesus.

"Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3: 19. When we fill our lives with music and lyrics, television shows, and movies that are full of trash we also contaminate our minds and our souls, further increasing the clutter in our lives that keep us from God.

Do we take all of this seriously enough? Don't we often as believers live lives very similar to non-believers and yet expect them to see that we are different? Expect a scripture verse on our Facebook wall or a Jesus sticker on our bumper car to set us apart as disciples? We are not told to live like the world and simply speak Jesus, we are told to pick up our cross and walk the path of Jesus - which involves real, uncomfortable, difficult sacrifice.

If Scripture and my relationship wasn't enough for the Lord to bring this area to my life to attention, then this third channel finally got to me. Mikael's sweet parents gave me a book as a gift called By Searching, the autobiography of Isobel Kuhn, a woman who was a missionary in China with her husband. As I sat on the plane back to North Carolina I poured over the pages of that autobiography, shocked at how much I related to this girl and her story. In her youth, she talks about testing the Lord's existence and finding Him to be real and true. Yet even as she grew in faith she continued to hold on to worldly things.

She refers to the Misty Flats as "The in between level place of easy going; nothing very good attempted, yet nothing bad either; where men walk in the mist telling each other that no one can see these things clearly. The misty flats where the in betweeners drift to and fro; life has no end but amusement and no purpose; where the herd drift with the strongest pull and there is no reason for opposing anything. Therefore they have a kind of peace and a mutual link which they call tolerance" (3). The Misty Flats - that in between place where you may claim God but your life is far from complete surrender, or you may enjoy the moral value of religion but are okay with everyone believing whatever they believe. There is no clear purpose, no clear truth, where all is okay and yet nothing is certain.

In her chapter titled Extinguished Tapers Isobel talks of how she finally decides to leave the Misty Flats and pursue the High Way, a pursuit only a few take. As she is reading a romance novel, the Lord speaks to her and shows her that she is feeding all of her earthly feelings but nothing of the spiritual. She is led to completely let go of all the worldly things that she had clung to -- novels, dancing, movies, etc. all the things which fed her flesh but failed to feed her soul.

I was so moved by this chapter. This was the third time that the Lord was bringing this matter to my attention. It was time to let go of my stubbornness and surrender to God's leading. I don't need the things of this world to satisfy my heart. And even beyond that, I know I am missing out on beautiful discoveries when I fill my life with things that are not of God. "My Rising Sun had planned many things to fill the place of my extinguished tapers, but each was to be a separate and delightful discovery" (Isobel Kuhn, 52).

I don't know about you, but I think it's been a long time that I have failed to take seriously the things that I fill my life with. Up until now, I can see that I have not completely sacrificed my old way of living to take up the cross and pursue the High Way. I know that it's in that place of complete surrender that the Lord can best make Himself known to me and use me for His glory. I no longer want menial, worldly things to stand in the way of that. The trash music, entertainment television, sensational movies, romance novels - they all feed my flesh but do nothing for my spiritual life, they fill me with things of the world and nothing of the Lord. Yes, we are in this world but we are also called to be set apart from it. I'm tired of living in Christian prosperity that sends the message that if we follow this "Jesus Culture" where we check off the Christian to-do list of church attendance, weekly Bible study, and Christian rock-star concerts that we are good to go. That we can live our lives like everyone else, throw in a prayer for someone along the way, and claim our reward in Heaven. Because really, it's so much more than that. Because really this "Jes(us) Culture" tends to focus on US and takes the glory away from HIM. When we give our whole lives away (not just the parts we're comfortable with) we experience deep transformation and the focus is brought not on us but on Him.

So what worldly things remain in your life that satisfy your flesh but rob your soul? What things have you allowed to build up a barrier from you experiencing the very heart of a pure and perfect God? I dare you to think outside the box. Outside of what even our Jes(us) Culture applauds. Bring everything that you fill your life with to God and seriously pray about whether it should be there or not. Is it time to cut out secular music? What about evaluating even modern-day Christian music? How about romance or fiction novels that provide a false escape rather than true freedom in Christ? Movies that fill you with vulgarity? Those friends who are non-believers who you just know you'll be the light to and that's why you go out partying with them?

Call me radical. Call me narrow-minded. Call me crazy. Or call me a daughter of the King who desires to lead a pure and holy life so that God may use me for His glory. Call me a disciple of God who desires to take up the cross and give it all away for His Kingdom. May He receive the glory, and the honor, and the praise forever and ever - and may my selfishness and stubbornness not get in the way.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things." Philippians 4:8

So In Love

OKAY so this morning's message was just so awesome that I felt it necessary to share such words of wisdom and save my own thoughts for another time. We had a guest speaker this morning at church, and a lot of the sermon was taken from Paul Miller's "The Love Course." So I don't claim any of these thoughts to be my own (except of course I've added personal commentary).

First of all, I thought the speaker was absolutely hilarious. I just want to say, I so appreciate humor and how the Lord both laughs and cries with us. For those who believe God is constrained to the four walls of a church or that faith is only a serious matter of a bunch of rules and constraints - you are mistaken. The truth is a love relationship with God includes a ton of fun and laughter and freedom and life to the full and and and just a bunch of wonderful things that words cannot describe!

So the sermon was a classic message on the greatest commandment - to love.

We've all heard it so much that I can't help but feel that sometimes it goes from one ear out the other. "Love your neighbor as yourself" "Love God with all your heart, and all your mind, and all your soul" "Love never fails" yeah yeah yeah - it's in there. Many of us would most definitely cling to the fact that we love God. But what does that even mean? Are we even capable of this kind of love?

Not on our own accord. 

I woke up the other morning feeling pretty crummy and shameful. I write out my prayers a lot (not cause I'm super holy but because I'm super distracted) and what came out was just a flow of awe and wonder at how the Lord could love me even when I am absolutely incapable of returning such love. How the Lord could forgive me again and again every-single-time that I fall down. How He could welcome me back with opened arms and unconditional love that's deeper than I can imagine and unable to return. Yet He does. And it's just amazing.

So how do we love God and love others? Sometimes it seems impossible to me, because well it is. It is absolutely impossible to love God and love others on my own accord. I am WAY too easily self-centered, my world so QUICKLY turns within to myself - by my own efforts I am nothing but a world of one, a world of self.

BUT I have the greatest gift. The gift of the Holy Spirit which lives within me - a God who is LOVE that chooses to make His temple within me! That is just...okay obviously my words are failing me because it is just SO beyond incredible to me that no adjective could properly explain it. So [insert beautiful adjective here].

Okay this is all my commentary and I haven't even gotten to the sermon! We were given a handout titled "The Look of Love" - Authentic Christlikeness Defined. The title itself draws me in - I'm a logical person, so how to be like Christ: defined. Yes, thank you!

"The Fact of the Matter: If we're ever to be like Jesus, we must learn to love like Jesus"

A table follows that compares Jesus' style of relating (and ours by the Spirit) with our natural (fleshly) style of relating. If this isn't convicting, I don't know what is:

Jesus - unity, oneness, openness, and intimacy with God and others (Jn. 17:21-23, Col 2:2)

vs. 

Our Natural - shallow relationships, surface communication, resistance to true intimacy 

Jesus - committed to dying to self in order to live for and bless others 

vs. 

Our Natural - committed to self-protection and the avoidance of pain and self-sacrifice

Jesus - eager to bear one anothers' burdens - "let me carry it!" Lk 10:33ff

vs. 

Our Natural - avoidance of the burdens of others - "passing by on the other side" Lk 10:30ff

Jesus - tenderness of heart - "we have a problem." "When you hurt, I hurt" Rom 12:15; 1 Cor 12:25, 26

vs. 

Our Natural - hardness of heart - "you have a problem, not me" When you hurt, I run. 

Jesus - looks AT and talks TO people. Gives them dignity. Blind Men: Matt 20:32, John 9:1, 2

vs. 

Our Natural - the Disciples talk ABOUT not to the blind man (Jn 9:1); when we depersonalize people, love dies (when we see, but don't look)

Jesus --- love like this must flow from a super-natural force

vs. 

Our Natural - this is the way we "love" apart from the Spirit's power 

The speaker challenged us to ask those around us and our families whether they feel loved by us. That was convicting for me. I seem to love easily when I commit to serve people for a few hours a week but it's just so much harder with family or those who I'm with 24/7 (something that I face now). I always wondered why that is and I realized this morning that it's because love isn't just an act that we can check off of our list, it's not reserved for only certain people or only convenient times of our day, it's not something we can create on our own or fit into our plan.

Love is a matter of the heart and soul; it becomes part of our identity when the Spirit of love dwells within us and seeps into everything we do and everyone we are with.

And okay, as believers we're not always going to be perfect at extending love. While we have the gift of the Spirit, we often fail to hear or receive that Spirit. We're all a work-in-progress, and just like a regular harvest it is a process for the fruits of the Spirit to grow within us. Our love will be a series of ups and downs, but if we are following the Lord daily I believe that at the end of our lives we will be able to see a progression of ups and downs that grew us more and more into authentic Christ-likeness.

That's why I believe daily communion with the Lord is SO important. Not just because it's a spiritual discipline or what a good Christian "ought" to do. But because it is impossible to have the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:22-23) - on our own accord. I pray that a spirit of authentic desire would develop in us to spend time with the Creator of Love. That through that time, the Lord may authentically become our greatest love and enable us to love others by the love He pours out to us.

Like a tree, love's root is the Gospel --> hearing and believing it is faith --> and receiving it produces the Fruits of the Spirit which grow more and more within us as we walk daily with the Lord.

I'm beyond grateful to be in love with the author of a romance so much deeper than I can comprehend. He has my heart now and forever and I can trust it to Him because His promises are true and He is faithful even when I am not. I am unworthy to receive such love but humbled that I get to receive this gift daily. A little more is unwrapped for me each day that I choose to receive this gift. It's a gift I want to freely give to others just as it has been freely given to me. I pray that more and more will hear it and receive it, so we can together grow in understanding just how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." Ephesians 3:16-18

Twenty-Three

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Wooh! 23 years young. Most people know that in general, I'm a fan of birthdays - they're like your own personal New Years. A time to look back on the year completed and the year ahead of you. It is just so good to take the time to reflect on God's work in my life; to see His hand in every piece of the year before and to experience a growing trust and hope for His continual presence within this next year.

So what adventures did God take me on and what lessons did I learn in year 22? There were definitely some good moments:

This time last year I was celebrating my birthday in Hong Kong. When I look back to this exact date last year I laugh at God's sense of humor and how He can bring things full circle.

I backpacked China with my sister and learned that not only can we tolerate each other 24/7 but we actually enjoy each other 24/7, she is most definitely one of my favorite travel buddies.

I graduated college ready to be done for good and learned that after less than one year I miss school already and realize Baylor was an incredible training ground that helped lay a faith foundation in my life.

I took a leap of faith in relationship and moved to Indiana. I learned that relationship at the core comes down to making a decision and involves sacrifice - and you have to be willing to do both.

I worked at a homeless shelter and learned a lot about homelessness. I made friends in Winona Lake that exemplified for me what life on mission looks like and inspired me on a whole other level.

I visited my best friend in Virginia and got to see DC for the first time and learned that there is no one in the world like Emily Jones (though I probably already knew that).

I experienced God speaking to me through dreams and learned that He shows up in many different ways in life.

I went through the smoothest break-up of my life and learned that exes really can stay friends.

I finally laid it all down and faced my fears head on in a hospitalization treatment program and learned that compassion and patience should just as much be extended to yourself as it is to others.

I lived at home for the longest time since high school and learned to have peace in taking a "life break."

I landed my first salary job at an international adoption agency and left it all when the Spirit said "No." For the first time, I learned to obey with no plan B or even an understanding of why. I learned to trust my Lord who sees what I do not and who promises to lead me according to His will.

I became a first-time aunt to the most precious baby boy in the world and learned that auntie-life is the best life to have. 

I committed to serve with BVS and went through a 3-week long orientation where I learned that there are many beliefs within Christianity and a humble and listening ear is so valuable to be able to have inter-faith dialogue.

I flew to small-town Mill Spring in North Carolina to serve here at CooperRiis, where I am learning how to work with mental health for the first time and learning the simple farm life.

Now here I am - blown away by all the experiences and changes that I face every year of my life. Reminded of how much I need God in my daily life to be able to sustain in transition and stay grounded in Him. My life may not always be so adventurous and I look forward to that stage in life when I can call a place home, a job my career, a man my husband, and some rascals my kids. But even if one day my life seems "settled" I know that every day is sure to bring new surprises and challenges. I know that God is using this time to prepare me and to teach me how to trust Him in the midst of ever-changing circumstances. To understand with all certainty that His promises are sovereign above all situations and hardships. To rest in the fact that God is my home.

I whole-heartedly believe that the Lord brings good out of everything for those who believe in Him. It blows my mind that Christ would die on the cross for me. That all of the history in the Old Testament came together for God's overarching plan - to bring salvation for all who choose to follow Him. What a priceless gift! The gift I will celebrate the most on this birthday of mine - that I can have life and a relationship with the Creator and have the Spirit dwell within me. Though I deserve death, I am given life and all the blessings within it. Wow, Father, my body shakes with awe and gratitude. How wonderful.

Serving the Un-served.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

So I just had my one-month anniversary here at CooperRiis and my goodness what a time it has been. There has been a LOT going on here at the farm, most of which I cannot talk about. I would love to just ask you all to continue to lift up CooperRiis, the residents and staff, and myself in your prayers. There can be a lot of darkness in a place that handles mental illness, anxiety, and depression. It saddens me to see how people who suffer with these types of illnesses are mostly stigmatized rather than loved in society. We so overly focus our attention to certain charities or demographics - orphans, sex trafficking, poverty, etc. that we tend to abandon the not-so-popular vulnerabilities like mental illness or intellectual disability. Don't get me wrong, I love adorable Chinese babies or the immediate satisfaction that comes from feeding the homeless...but let's face it, we receive a blessing from these acts of justice just as much (if not more) than those receiving it. Sometimes, I think it would be good for us to take a step back and evaluate whether our acts of service stem from pure servanthood or desire for self-entitlement. I mean, we're human...it happens. Yet there's something that rubs me the wrong way when someone says the main purpose they serve is because "it makes them feel good." It's not a bad result, but should it be our number one incentive?

Now different people have different convictions and I think that is one of the beauties of the body of Christ. We all hold different passions and like to serve within those areas, but what if we branched out a little bit more? During morning meeting the other day, one of the staff members encouraged residents to use this time on the farm to channel a new part of themselves, to experiment with something they have never tried. Grew up in the suburbs? Try milking a goat on animal crew. Addicted to soda and junk food? Try an all-organic diet. Have a maid growing up? Scrub the toilets and mop the floors on campus crew. We all grew up in different ways, in different places, bred with different habits and different lifestyles. I am so inspired by people here who grew up in the city and discovered a passion for gardening and agriculture. They went out of their comfort zone to try something unfamiliar and discovered a lifework that they loved and enjoyed.

It makes me wonder how much we might miss out on if we never try new things or allow ourselves to get out of our comfort zones. 

I might be bias. I think the Lord has placed a spirit in me that does enjoy change, that enjoys diversity in people and within work. I have lessened my judgment towards those who may stay in the same place or do the same thing their whole lives - maybe that is part of the spirit that God has placed in them, one of longevity and contentment. But I think we do need to be careful with just how comfortable we allow ourselves to be. I believe that it is often in times of discomfort that we find God. Not to say that you need to jump off a building and break your leg to find the Lord in your pain - but rather to engage in areas of unfamiliarity that allow the Spirit to guide and teach you within the unknown.

I think this applies 100-fold in our acts of service. 

Jesus didn't tell His disciples to be a servant to just the widows or the orphans or the poor. He tells them to be a servant to ALL.

In my first ministry class, I chose to study orphan ministry and I felt very drawn towards this area over others. Course I was a baby. I really hadn't experienced many other areas at all; and so I mostly went with what I thought I would enjoy. As I explored other areas outside of orphan work, I discovered that I have several stigmas that lie within my heart. Several of these stigmas have just recently risen to the surface as I serve a demographic that is often ignored, is one of the more difficult demographics to work with, and may not ever provide a personal satisfaction. Yet I serve because the Spirit has given me a Spirit of power and love and discipline (2 Timothy 1:7) and a desire to spread the hope of Jesus to others - not for my gain, but for theirs and for the glory of His Kingdom. There are many, many different evils in this world and there are many different people who are in need. We can't meet every need, we can't serve every person...but maybe it's time we at least open our minds to advocate for those who don't have many advocates. Maybe it's time we serve wherever we may be led, not just to places that bring us the most personal satisfaction.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33

We cannot save the world, but we serve a God who has overcome and has offered a way for people to be saved. If we are to be His disciples then we are to serve all - the elderly who resents you, the teenager who curses at you, the cripple whose appearance makes you uncomfortable, the schizophrenic who scares you, the bagger who gives you an attitude, the driver next to you who cuts you off. Our service is not only how we act, but how we react, how we treat others, how we extend love on a daily, hourly basis. Do we lay down our lives or do we expect others to respect us first? Do we favor serving some over others? Do we serve just because it makes us feel good or because we genuinely love God's people and desire to serve them in His Name?

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

As I continue to live and serve here at CooperRiis, the Lord continues to teach me how to be a servant of pure motive and heart. It is most definitely a process, but by His Spirit I learn little by little how to serve people who may hate me in return. How to love those who throw things or curse at me. How to lay down my life over and over that I may reflect a Savior who laid down His own life - not for the righteous, but for the sinners.