My Mind is an Ocean

...And I'm drowning. I haven't written in a few weeks probably because I felt like my thoughts were all over the place. Throughout my time in China I felt like I was having all these awesome revelations, then I went to the women's conference and had even more revelations, and THEN it seemed like little by little I started having revelations that went AGAINST my first revelations - understanding that disproved what I had first believed.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;  
perplexed, but not driven to despair.
 2 Corinthians 4: 8

I guess that's what makes growth so complicated sometimes, that when you do ask the questions and do seek to find answers there are often times conflicting theories that bring up valid points or further questions that lead you into the inevitable conclusion that "there is no clear-cut answer." So, to be honest - that's why I haven't written in awhile. Too afraid that I might give some type of extreme opinion, only to formulate a completely different one the next day. As I was walking and thinking ABOUT thinking...I realized it is easy to give up in the conquest of knowledge. After all, I actually enjoy thinking about theology or philosophy and even I feel discouraged again and again when it leads to nothing or the most common conclusion - complete confusion, more confusion than when you even started! Despite this frustration, I realized that even mundane, everyday life brings the growing pains that come from seeking the Lord. When it gets hard do we just give up on the quest? Don't we often feel like if we don't have everything sorted out and clarified in our head then it's best to say nothing at all? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to advocate everyone just blurting out whatever comes to mind without thoroughly thinking about their thought or belief, but I think we often allow the scale to tip too far to the side of never saying anything at all in fear that we might be proved wrong, or even worse..prove our own ignorance.

I can't help but think about the game Mafia. You know those people in Mafia who just talk up a storm trying to pick people's brains to decipher who is the killer? It's always these people (the ones who talk a lot) who eventually dig themselves into becoming the target and get killed off quickly. I'll admit, I'm one of these types. Then on the opposite end, you have those people who don't say much because even if they might know who the killer is, they've lost their train of logic and don't feel they can verbalize to the group what they are thinking and so they just keep quiet. Eventually, these people also get killed off because they are just "too" quiet. BUT who had more fun playing the game?! I mean, of course I'm going to claim the talkative one has more fun because I am one of these people...but really, what fun is it sometimes if you opt to just sit through accusations because you fear being able to accurately communicate your opinion?

The more talkative one isn't any less ignorant than the silent one, and I would bet that majority of the times the silent one probably outlives the talkative one - but it's the opinions of the talkative one who gets the townspeople thinking and helps them decipher the logical breakdown of who may be the killer.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, 

insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
2 Corinthians 12:10

So yes, okay I just made an analogy to a game - but isn't this sort of like life as well? I absolutely respect that some are more quiet than others, and of course that is necessary and beautiful (Imagine a life full of Jim Careys, overwhelming indeed!) but what I have seen is how people become especially silent when it comes to the things that are most important - like the truth of the Gospel and the love of Jesus Christ. As I journey through this road of drawing into greater intimacy with the Lord, I realize more and more just how broken I am. I continually fall into struggles of perfectionism, selfishness, judgements, and negativity; but as a Christian I am not perfect, I am merely forgiven. So while I may not have it all figured out, in fact as I certainly do not have it all figured out, I will continue to tell others my revelations in hope that through my external thought process, while not all put together or even understandable at times, the Holy Spirit may pick out words or phrases and communicate to someone in a unique way that draws them into a greater curiosity and a greater love for the Lord. Even if this means greater persecution or critiques from those who may think differently, that is okay - for as Christians we should expect persecution not shrink our beliefs in order to avoid it.

No I don't have the right words all the time, no I'm not any more worthy than others to receive the love of Christ, and yes I am continually awe-struck how the Lord would pour out such mercy on a broken being like me. But in surrender I desire to lift my life, body, and mouth to the Lord to use it for the Kingdom sake, and if there is one thing I wish not to shrink away from it's from making the Lord's name known in a world that continues to be so unknown.

"Man, I hate my disobedience always second guessing GOD,
When he tell me share my Faith,
Now I gotta question that,
Then I end up reasoning myself out of sayin' somethin',
Now the opportunity is gone cause I ran from it."

- Move, by Flame