My Mind is an Ocean

...And I'm drowning. I haven't written in a few weeks probably because I felt like my thoughts were all over the place. Throughout my time in China I felt like I was having all these awesome revelations, then I went to the women's conference and had even more revelations, and THEN it seemed like little by little I started having revelations that went AGAINST my first revelations - understanding that disproved what I had first believed.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;  
perplexed, but not driven to despair.
 2 Corinthians 4: 8

I guess that's what makes growth so complicated sometimes, that when you do ask the questions and do seek to find answers there are often times conflicting theories that bring up valid points or further questions that lead you into the inevitable conclusion that "there is no clear-cut answer." So, to be honest - that's why I haven't written in awhile. Too afraid that I might give some type of extreme opinion, only to formulate a completely different one the next day. As I was walking and thinking ABOUT thinking...I realized it is easy to give up in the conquest of knowledge. After all, I actually enjoy thinking about theology or philosophy and even I feel discouraged again and again when it leads to nothing or the most common conclusion - complete confusion, more confusion than when you even started! Despite this frustration, I realized that even mundane, everyday life brings the growing pains that come from seeking the Lord. When it gets hard do we just give up on the quest? Don't we often feel like if we don't have everything sorted out and clarified in our head then it's best to say nothing at all? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to advocate everyone just blurting out whatever comes to mind without thoroughly thinking about their thought or belief, but I think we often allow the scale to tip too far to the side of never saying anything at all in fear that we might be proved wrong, or even worse..prove our own ignorance.

I can't help but think about the game Mafia. You know those people in Mafia who just talk up a storm trying to pick people's brains to decipher who is the killer? It's always these people (the ones who talk a lot) who eventually dig themselves into becoming the target and get killed off quickly. I'll admit, I'm one of these types. Then on the opposite end, you have those people who don't say much because even if they might know who the killer is, they've lost their train of logic and don't feel they can verbalize to the group what they are thinking and so they just keep quiet. Eventually, these people also get killed off because they are just "too" quiet. BUT who had more fun playing the game?! I mean, of course I'm going to claim the talkative one has more fun because I am one of these people...but really, what fun is it sometimes if you opt to just sit through accusations because you fear being able to accurately communicate your opinion?

The more talkative one isn't any less ignorant than the silent one, and I would bet that majority of the times the silent one probably outlives the talkative one - but it's the opinions of the talkative one who gets the townspeople thinking and helps them decipher the logical breakdown of who may be the killer.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, 

insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
2 Corinthians 12:10

So yes, okay I just made an analogy to a game - but isn't this sort of like life as well? I absolutely respect that some are more quiet than others, and of course that is necessary and beautiful (Imagine a life full of Jim Careys, overwhelming indeed!) but what I have seen is how people become especially silent when it comes to the things that are most important - like the truth of the Gospel and the love of Jesus Christ. As I journey through this road of drawing into greater intimacy with the Lord, I realize more and more just how broken I am. I continually fall into struggles of perfectionism, selfishness, judgements, and negativity; but as a Christian I am not perfect, I am merely forgiven. So while I may not have it all figured out, in fact as I certainly do not have it all figured out, I will continue to tell others my revelations in hope that through my external thought process, while not all put together or even understandable at times, the Holy Spirit may pick out words or phrases and communicate to someone in a unique way that draws them into a greater curiosity and a greater love for the Lord. Even if this means greater persecution or critiques from those who may think differently, that is okay - for as Christians we should expect persecution not shrink our beliefs in order to avoid it.

No I don't have the right words all the time, no I'm not any more worthy than others to receive the love of Christ, and yes I am continually awe-struck how the Lord would pour out such mercy on a broken being like me. But in surrender I desire to lift my life, body, and mouth to the Lord to use it for the Kingdom sake, and if there is one thing I wish not to shrink away from it's from making the Lord's name known in a world that continues to be so unknown.

"Man, I hate my disobedience always second guessing GOD,
When he tell me share my Faith,
Now I gotta question that,
Then I end up reasoning myself out of sayin' somethin',
Now the opportunity is gone cause I ran from it."

- Move, by Flame

An Eastern Embrace

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 
1 Corinthians 10:13

Hong Kong is really beginning to feel like home. There was a specific moment when I realized this actually. It was the day we took our flight out to the Philippines. As we sat on the bus I looked out at the water and mountains with the city skyscrapers in the back and realized I was falling in love with Hong Kong. Its an incredible place, and there is for sure no other place like it. Hong Kong has all you could ever want - the city with all it's entertainment, the peace of the mountains, and the breeze of the sea. 

After I came back from the Philippines, I lost sight of that moment when crossing the bridge. Fortunately, the feelings that washed over me that day have been restored, and I've been using this renewed excitement to embrace the Eastern traditions of this city.

To foreground my first experience with the practice of mindfulness, I have to get a little vulnerable. For those of you who know me, you might know that I struggled with depression on and off for a couple of years. It was nothing major, but both a genetic and habitual reaction and something I battled. I have perfectionist tendencies, and I can be impatient and hard-headed. The Lord's delivered me a long way from these things, but I rest in the truth that working through issues like these is a continual process that requires a lot of work and can sometimes feel like a get up - fall down - get up - fall down process. You're always your harshest critic, but I'll admit that there are times that I feel too tired to get back up. Sometimes I allow myself to fall into complacency and those are the moments that scare me the most - because God doesn't promise us ease or lack of troubles, but he does promise that He will guide us and strengthen us as we battle and fight the way He has commanded us to.

So this is where I want to apologize. I want to say sorry for any time that I have presented a sugar-coated Gospel, talking only of the peace and joy and happiness that comes from the Lord and acting as if the Christian life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. It is far from that. In fact, it's extremely difficult and I, like everyone, have hurts and weaknesses that sometimes feel unbearable. There are times that I feel overcome with grief, sadness, loneliness, and all around hurt. Yet even Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, and the most beautiful truth is that He understands our temptations and shortcomings! We all have them, and while the church has made such topics taboo - real Christians struggle with real issues like pornography, depression, greed, pride, low body image, alcoholism, and a number of other things. The point I'm trying to make, is that the church shouldn't be what we fear in these moments of hardship, it should be the place and people we feel most safe to run to - but are they? I'll be the first to admit that I can be a hypocrite. When I face a problem I just want to talk to someone who I know won't judge me and will listen and sit with me in my hurt. Yet when others come to me in the same context I am often the first to aim at a quick fix and tell them they need simply to lift their burdens to God and everything will be okay. Now, yes of course in Christian discipleship we should point others to Jesus - but let's face it, life hurts sometimes (a lot of times) and when there is an issue or a temptation sometimes it requires a long time to overcome. So telling someone to put a quick band aid on a huge wound is not meeting that persons real need, which is long-term, daily, continual rehabilitation. 

All that said, I've become more aware of those people in my life who know my deepest issue and who have said the quick "I'm praying for you" (so many thoughts on this line but I'll bite my tongue) and those who have actually walked with me through it. I remember specifically sitting in the kitchen of my little one-bedroom apartment, crying to my mom about hurt and depression. "I just want to move to China and live with monks on a mountain or something," and my mom saying "Sarah you could move to the jungle and live with monkeys for all I care, I just want you happy." Who would have thought that two and a half years later here I am learning the art of meditation in China. That's right, this morning I had my first go at meditation with my new "teacher," Wendy. By the time I had finished I had lost feeling in my hands and felt incredibly relaxed. This art which Wendy calls "mindfulness" is a way of focusing on the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. The simple act of focusing on your breath is actually not so simple at all. I realized that there are many times that we are told to meditate; whether it be with Scripture, a decision, or in devotion, but many of us have not actually been taught this skill. You see I'm a thinker and a planner, and those things combined can lead to a very-easily distracted devotional time. For this reason I often have to journal my prayers or highlight Scripture to tune my focus. Yet there are many times that I still fall into distraction or allow myself to cut my time short because of alllll the things I have to do that day (lousy excuse). So I feel that learning the art of meditation and the skill of focusing on here and now - will actually allow me to better dwell in the Spirit of the Lord and live each day, listening and submitting to Him. 

Wendy encouraged me to begin practicing meditation for at least 5 minutes a day, and assured me that it would not come easily - that it requires a long period of time to form the habit and master the skill...Hm sounds a lot like what is needed in overcoming weakness and fighting temptation. After meditating, I decided to go on a run in the park. (I'm really happy my hobby is running because it's incredible what you learn about a culture simply by visiting a park. As I passed people doing their Tai Chi, old women sweeping the pathway in their traditional hats and bamboo brooms, and an old man meditating by a tree I realized there is much to learn from Eastern practices. Our Western culture, which emphasizes efficiency, future goals, schedules, and independence, when taken too far, can cheat us out of many beautiful things - like the simple act of being, the experience of right now, the unity of family, and life outside of a clock. How much do we allow our cultural ideologies to effect our relationships? Efficiency doesn't always allow for helping someone on the side of the road; future goals can distract us from life here and now; schedules may not allow for last-minute late night chats; and independence leads us to consider surrendering to others a sign of weakness. Take that to the Christian life, and these types of Western ideologies can sometimes cause us to feel like failures if we're not healed the next day, still struggling with an issue that we've been lifting up in prayer for years, or not experiencing "success" as defined by the world. It may do us good to learn of traditional Eastern practice, which teaches one to slow down, to focus on the simple act of breathing, and to just be. Maybe it's not a matter of East vs. West, "us" vs "them," "right" vs "wrong," maybe God intended us to learn from one another. While I am here, I look forward to learning Eastern traditions and teaching Western ones. It's this mutual partnership that can lead to a strengthening of the church and believers, and I'm excited to be a part of that.  

Revelation in the Philippines

I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm no longer in the Philippines. All day Monday I felt completely heartbroken and really had to pray over this heavy complacency that I faced when coming back to Hong Kong. It's nice to be back home in some sense, it's definitely more comfortable here...but what did anyone ever gain from being comfortable? I'm still working through and reflecting on all that I saw and experienced in the Philippines and I suppose that's why I've put off this blog post, in fear that I make a conclusion on something without thorough contemplation. This is a common problem of mine, wanting to think myself to death until answers are unveiled, only to find that with many things in life and faith there simply are no answers. Do we find contentment in that or do we lose ourselves in the constant strive for enlightenment? Either way, I'll include the cautionary statement that these thoughts/conclusions I dialogue on are a mere reflection of Gods revelation in this season and place. Maybe one day they'll serve as a testimony to how naive and ignorant I was, maybe they'll act as evidence to a prophetic moment, or maybe they'll be nothing at all - and I'm okay with that. 

So the Philippines! I'll save you the details or else we'll all be grey and bored to tears by the end of it. The first few days were your typical vacation, r&r kind of days. The Philippines boasts an impressive show for tourists - clear, turquoise waters and white sand beaches. A tropical paradise that quickly transitions to slums, rickety tricycles, and foul smells as soon as you step away from the tourist scene. It's within those slums and the authentic culture of the Philippines that God hit me with revelation after revelation, and since these were my big take aways I'll take this entry from that angle.

Revelation One: Evangelism isn't scary. In ministry, I've always been one to lean more on the deed end of things than the word (surprising I know since I can babble). I've always believed in a relational approach to sharing the Gospel. Through meeting the physical and relational needs of an individual, God will open a door to meet the spiritual need in time. I still agree with this approach on a broader basis, but I realized taking a "one approach only" mentality was a close-minded way of going about things. For a few days, I was blessed to stay with the Bautistas, two national missionaries who lead YWAM Bohol with a focus in mercy ministry. In our initial correspondence, I asked whether there was any way I could prepare for serving with them - but I was given little information and concluded that I would jump in with an open-mind and flexibility. So the first night that I arrive, Ate Nene ("Ate" is a term of respect, addressed to someone like an older sister), sat me down and ran over what we'd be doing. First item on the agenda - evangelizing in the park. Immediately, the image of someone standing on a podium shouting to a crowd that they need Jesus or be eternally damned popped into my mind, and my thoughts began to scheme of any way I might be able to get out of this terrifying situation. By the end of the day, I realized just how silly this immense fear had been. Evangelism really should be called "Talking to People," because really it's as simple as that. Ate Nene would sit next to a girl and watch her kids play with the pigeons, and before you knew it she had struck up a casual conversation. She would invite me over to talk with them, and when introducing her family and life - the Lord would come up, because of course - He is at the center of her life. BOOM, first person we talk to asks if she could visit our church, which led to Ate sharing the Gospel, which led to me praying over her. It was totally natural and I realized that evangelism is nothing but intentionally talking to people. It's not about going out hunting or making an uproar or condemning others, it's simply planting the seed and trusting that God will lead the rest. We talk and talk about being disciples of Christ within the confines of our homes and small groups, but when do we actually go OUT to BE disciples? If we're not spreading the Gospel, then what are we doing? 

Revelation Two - America is a third-world country. No, I haven't gone crazy. America may be materially rich, but it is extremely spiritually poor. It's all about how you define "blessings," and if we are to think in a Heavenly perspective then America is further off than many majority world countries. You see, the most impoverished places like the Philippines, Africa, India, Haiti - seem to have nothing, yet many believers in these nations are overflowing with the joy of the Spirit. Their reward awaits in heaven, while our material possessions will be nothing but dust. I've personally experienced churches that are ON FIRE for Christ while worshiping in a room of a mall, or in a wooden shack, or under a black stretched out garbage bag. I've met indigenous pastors who not only preach, but go out as missionaries, maintain their own farms, and run every single Bible study in the church while they live off a dime. In the Philippines, I got to go to a prayer meeting with the Bautistas at their church. Although the people of the Philippines speak mostly Tagali, they conduct praise & worship in English. I was hit with the power of the Holy Spirit that night as a group of the church youth came together and were literally overflowing with a passion for the Lord. After worship, each student went through their analysis of the passage on being the light of the world and the salt of the Earth - a part of Scripture so appropriate for what I was witnessing. After praying over specific needs within the church, a group of girls approached me. They stood around and asked me intentional questions about who I was and what I liked to do, making me feel genuinely welcomed. It wasn't until after the service that Ate Nene told me that the youth were all orphans. I couldn't believe it! Here I am thinking I was going to come and serve and pour into the local community, but in all actuality they were the ones who were pouring into me. Orphans who had experienced past neglect and abuse were being lights of the world to the foreigner in their midst. America may be "rich" but how powerful is our light, really?

Revelation Three: Suffering is a privilege. This particular line was underlined in the devotional book of Jasmine, one of the youngest kids at the orphanage I stayed at for the remainder of my week. Jasmine sat next to me in church one evening and I couldn't help but peak at her Bible and devotional book that were both marked to the core with underlines and circles. As we split off into prayer partners I stayed with little Jasmine thinking I would take the lead. We had been commissioned to pray over the nations and so I started us, trying to keep things short and simple so she could understand with the language and age difference. I ended with "amen" and immediately Jasmine took off into a passion-filled prayer in Tagali. I didn't understand it all but did catch the words "Ate Sarah," "China," "North Korea" "United States".... I'll admit that I opened my eyes in disbelief as Jasmine squeezed her lids in passion and prayed over the nations in the name of Jesus. It was then that I realized that these kids were being trained to be disciples - and THEY (not you or me) were the ones who would eventually reach the community for Christ. It was a beautiful experience to see the fruit that came from suffering. As me and all the kids piled into the trunk bed for the drive home, they continued to worship the entire ride home. Literally, it was a moving choir driving through the underdeveloped streets of the Philippines. I looked around to find some kids with their eyes closed in praise, others smiling with joy, and others staring outside in reverence. I joined along, so overcome with their contagious passion for the Lord. Halfway home, one of the boys yelled to me "Ate!" "yes?" "I used to live there" (of course I naively ask) "where?" (expecting some specific location to be pointed out) "There" pointing directly to the street. I didn't say anything. I was lost in the testimony of these kids' lives who had been on the streets struggling every day just to survive - yet sat before me with faith that I had never witnessed before. It made Jasmine's devotional come alive - for if suffering leads to the overflow of Christ's love like displayed in the kids of the orphanage - then Lord bring me suffering. 

Revelation Four - Authentic beauty is found WITHIN people. I've had incredible opportunities to experience other cultures. I've seen the Colosseum in Rome, the rolling hills of Tuscany, the jungles of Costa Rica, and the temples of China. Each experience was unique and beautiful but it was the people apart of it that really created each memory. It is so necessary to take a relational approach to everything, including your travels. It would be easy to go somewhere and use the culture for your own gain - to swim in the water, to hike the mountains, to snap photos of historic buildings - but if you limit it to that, you'd be missing out on a lot. It's the people of that culture who can teach you how to see things outside of yourself, to mature you in wisdom and empathy, to reveal the diversity of Gods greatest creation - mankind, made in His very image. 

Like I said in the beginning, there's still a lot of things I'm working through - how to go about ministry to those materially poor, how to love those who do not realize they are poor, how best to do overseas missions, and where the Lord wants to use me. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts. Okay, maybe more than just "sometimes." I suppose that's the most wonderful part of life though - that in walking each day with the Lord there never fails to be new revelation and growth in understanding, not only of this world but of the character of God. The key is not to give up. Not to feel like there will ever be a time that you will "get it" all. Not to stop exploring and seeking and thirsting for more. Through this holy pursuit - the Lord will guide us on a journey that is better than we could imagine. 

True Love

What a beautiful holiday that we designate to celebrate love. The past few days, I have been thinking about love and all of the dynamics that go along with the four letter word. After a morning of ministry in the slums of the Philippines I came home to read some beautiful words from my Valentine. I'll embarrassingly admit that I was in the middle of a journal entry which began to record the events of the day and this sweet moment from my valentine when I detoured to pour out my thoughts on love and the true love that is found only in the most amazing lover - my Lord Jesus Christ. Before I share my journal thoughts I do want to say what a beautiful experience it is to be in a relationship with someone who loves the Lord and desires to lead us in a life of righteousness. It is only because of his love for the Lord that he is able to treat me like the Lord intended all women to be treated - like true princesses. Ladies - never accept anything less.

Okay so thoughts on love. Something that has really been on my mind and heart the past few days is the notion of love which stands as the greatest commandment. I realized that at times I run from love or pick and choose those who I feel deserve my love (or at least I know that's what my actions show). I kept thinking about a conversation I had with a local about choosing my next step in life and wanting to be career minded when she interrupted me and told me in broken English "relationship is always better." Doh - ouch. It's a truth I know but am scared to submit to. I'm like that with everything though. On a wider scheme I'm one who prefers a clear task to accomplish, a capable end goal in sight, and a predictable schedule so I can be ready and in complete control of everything. Yet this is contrary to the greatest commandment - where God calls and demands that we first and foremost, love. He calls us to relationship even if that means allowing vulnerability, facing rejection, and being unprepared because you don't know what lies ahead. So then that made me think - the greatest commandment is not just for the receiver but also for the sender. Love can be such a scary and unpredictable thing that sometimes we're forced to rely on Him to do it. Take it a step further and think about those who are difficult to love, those who have abused your love, those whose love you have lost. For me and for many Christians, sometimes its those who may not be what we stereotype as "needy" who are harder to love. We are eager to serve orphans in Africa while we turn our noses to the ghettos in our very backyard. We are quick to make relationships on a one week mission trip but get stuck in our Bible studies and Christian concerts back home and never go OUT of the Christian bubble. We quickly judge those who are materially rich but overlook the fact that they are completely spiritually impoverished (this could be a whole other entry for me so I'll just keep it at that for now). (disclaimer: I'm all for small groups and Christian fellowship, but I do think we need to evaluate the distribution of our time).

Okay back to love -

Sometimes, our society makes love seem like it's such an easy and simple thing. "I'm a lover not a fighter," "Peace and Love," "My love don't cost a thing" (Had to throw that last one in there) - BUT the truth is, love isn't simple and it surely isn't easy, and if it were then it wouldn't be real love!

But I have Good News. I just so happen to be in love with the Creator of Love. Yup, it's true. And He is the most Divine Lover who has given to me a love deeper than human affection or roller-coaster feelings. It's a love that brings life in abundance, peace in all circumstances, and joy even in suffering. It's only through this love that I can love at all, and I fail at that all the time as a broken human being. But I do hope and pray that in all my relationships there will be a continual submission to Gods love so that we can let go of the lies of the world; which tell us that love is mushy-gushy feelings, physical passion, strong attraction, or even common hobbies. If you notice, the similar trend of all those things is that they all change and can all be lost. (No wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce!) In contrast, when we see love as God intended it to be - as a holy commandment that requires deep commitment, genuine loyalty, humble sacrifice, and a servants attitude then we see how the Lord wants to use love and relationship as a way to grow us more into His image. In that case, love to God, to self, and to others is far from easy, but its a long-term process that requires one to daily die to self for the sake of the Lord and for others. Love then becomes not about self-gain or fleeting feelings, but about sacrifice and submission - like the greatest act of love found when Jesus took on the sins of man and died an excruciating death, being crucified on the cross and resurrected three days later so that we may be reconciled to God. Phew - How much more beautiful is this love then the love prescribed to us by man?

Father, I pray that You will plant within us a desire to love the way You crafted us to love. I pray that others will feel Your holy love poured out from those who know You so that they can get a taste of true love and hunger for more. Lord, I ask that You will use the commandment to love as a way of instilling in us the sacrifice, servitude, and commitment that it requires in relationship and within the path of righteousness. Only You, our Great Teacher, can teach us how to love others, ourselves, and You. Break down the box that we've placed love in and restore our understanding of what love truly is and what it looks like on a daily and long-term basis. Thank You for a love so deep that human words can't describe it and that my head can't even wrap around, a love that brings us to our knees in wonderful disbelief. You are my one true love and I will celebrate this today and everyday. I pray all these things in the name of my Dearly Beloved. Amen.

Livin Like a Local

Well, I seem to be truly settling into place here in the HK; hence the reason for my non-weekly blog updates that I promised to some, my deepest apologies. It is such a good feeling to have figured out a some-what normal routine though, and I am really beginning to feel at home here. I was reminded of the importance of community within those first few weeks of scrambling, which were mixed in with an occasional bout of loneliness and culture shock that I suppose is expected when you move to the other side of the world.

I can't even remember what I covered last time so I'll just throw out random updates. KIBC has become such an awesome community for me. Every Wednesday the college group, Crosspointe, comes together for a weekly Bible study where we are currently reading through Ephesians. It's different than the small groups I'm used to back home that follow the typical structure of worship - message - discussion - prayer requests - end. Nope, we're much less formal at KIBC and Bible study is as simple as a group of people coming together, opening up the Bible, reading, and talking. What comes out of it is incredible debate and discussion over literally every single passage - what does this mean? What does your version say? What was going on at that time and where else in Scripture does it talk about this? I love the lack-of structure, it really brings out everyone's different ideas and it's incredible to hear all the different ways that people read and interpret a passage. It's a uniqueness that is often lost when we come together and are told a certain message that we are expected to understand and agree with - making groups more receptive than analytical. I'm a fan of how Crosspointe does it, despite the at times frustrating debates, I always come out of it feeling like I'm an inkling more appreciative of the diversity of Christ's body and closer to learning that my way of thinking is definitely NOT the only way of thinking, and that's a beautiful (and probably good) thing!

So people have asked me about where I've decided to get plugged in as far as ministry, and that leads me to a funny story. I told everyone that the primary reason for me coming here was not to study or travel or explore but to learn about the Asian culture and submit myself to serving the local community. This being my focus I felt pretty anxious to get plugged into a ministry right away - after all, I'm only here for 5 months and relationships don't just form over night! (Well technically they can, but you know what I mean).  So here I am being my usual self - researching ministry opportunities in the city, narrowing my church search to places that would provide an opportunity to serve, and getting frustrated when after a few weeks I was still floating, and not serving. To be honest, I heard that KIBC was very focused on ministering to international students which left me apprehensive because I wanted to be the one serving, not the one being served. HAH. Yes, this is laughable. Because how many Christian leaders take this stance and get burned out because of it? Many close to me have experienced this, as Christians who have felt called to some kind of leadership or vocational ministry we feel almost obligated to give, give, give and forget that we ourselves need to be poured into, we need to be kept accountable, and we need to be served as well. Because if not we risk the danger of burn out, passivity, increased temptations, etc.etc. I mean obviously we are still people of flesh. So then the Lord completely broke me of my arrogance, reminding me that I am most definitely not above being poured into - and I needed to take a humble position to be a servant NOT a savior. I got on my knees right then and there, and before I knew it my bed was stained with mascara - I. Was. Broken.

The beautiful thing about brokenness is the submission that follows - something I have to intentionally seek on a daily basis. For a planner like me, trust and submission is tough. Yet the Lord is faithful, and every time I submit and take a leap of faith into the unknown by trusting in His provision - the reward is so much greater than I could have imagined. Okay so to the funny part, once I surrendered my plans and said okay, if it is God's plan that this season is to be used for me to be poured into and taught then so be it! I give up my plans to find some leadership position or mission outreach on my own.

Then, BOOM.

I'm getting e-mails about serving with the children at KIBC, teaching an English Conversation under the HKBU Chaplain's Office, and potentially helping a missions coordinator at another local church. OKAY LORD I GET IT! It was never about the fact that He didn't want me to serve or wanted me to second guess my calling, it was simply surrendering my control over this ministry and allowing Him to lead me where He wanted me - in His own time, in His own way.

It's so funny, we always stress about the details. How am I going to do this? When will this happen? Where do I need to be? What do I need to be doing? How often do we stop and say, okay - I don't know but the Lord knows - and I TRUST that. When we remember to trust the unknown the Lord always faithfully works out the details for us, when we become willing!

Oh boy, I am such a wordy writer. It's kind of unfortunate because I always have so much to say but I realize most will stop after the first paragraph (if they read at all, because I myself may want to read something until I open it up to see a novel-sized entry and then move on to other things). How about I bullet proof the rest of my life updates? Everyone likes notes in this time-obsessed world (me included).

Okay, for the busy and faint of heart - here's your bullet list:
- I feel settled!
- I have an awesome church family at KIBC
- I finally went hiking! Lion Rock last weekend and Tai Mui yesterday, incredible how in HK you can be in the city one minute and the mountains and beach in another - love love love
- I had an interview to serve in the AmeriCorps this past Wednesday and it went really well :) we shall seeeeee
- A couple of churches in Fort Wayne e-mailed me about serving with them over the summer, another we shall seeeee
- Chinese New Year is in a week and I'm going to the PHILIPPINES. Hasn't hit me yet. I've officially designated it my graduation trip. We have a huge beach house. It's gon be fun.
- I'm going to be working with toddlers in Sunday School and excited to plug back in with kids. I think I've slowly become more uptight within my break from kids and not being able to goof around like a 5-year-old - yes, I like doing that. I'll admit it.
- I'll be teaching English conversation classes twice a week starting after Chinese New Year
- I may possibly help the missions coordinator at a church called ECC, ironically she is from TX, was an exchange student from HKBU, moved to HK and married a local, and now works as the missions coordinator for a church. Her story is so similar to mine! Except don't worry I don't think I'll marry a local - happily taken ;)
- Last but certainly not least: I miss and love everyone dearly.

Until next time - over and out.

A Whirlwind

I don't even know how to cover the rollercoaster of this past week in one post, but here we go.

Classes officially started this past Monday and in about half I am the only exchange student. What an interesting experience that is in itself! In America, an exchange student probably does not stick out as obviously - it's a diverse nation made up of people of all colors and types (granted there are many places that are much more homogeneous), but in Hong Kong I definitely stick out like a sore thumb in a classroom full of Asians. I don't mind it really, on the contrary everyone has been so welcoming and I enjoy being surrounded by locals who I learn so much from. I just couldn't help but laugh when my Comm Theory professor pointed me out in a class of 50, and said "You must be Sarah, not too hard to spot!" and then proceeded to call on me for every American example he provided (which were quite a few). Such an experience. Classes are only once a week here, but they are three. hours. long. I used to get antsy in my 90 minute classes much less 3 hour ones! I was nervous about that, but surprisingly the time went by really fast in all my classes and it looks like I will survive the long timeframe just fine (at least that's how I feel for now).

Polaroid photoshoot with my new HK friends :)

Don't get me wrong though, the first week can be far from described as a week that just "fell into place." The majority of the time I was running here and there trying to get registered for the right courses, open a local bank account (a failed mission), figure out my phone, buy groceries (I must have walked to Lok Fu like 15 times), and all sorts of other little errands I ran in an effort to get settled in this new place. Though at one point I doubted it would ever happen, I am happy to say that after a little over one week I feel quite settled in Hong Kong. I know how to work public transportation, can easily navigate campus, and successfully do laundry - small feats that go a long way in an exchange program. I could probably detour on this paragraph to a million places such as my successful jailbreak/unlock of my iPhone (I may boast about that one for awhile), getting lost at the train station, buying the cheapest McDonalds meal in the world, having a traditional Chinese dinner with a group of Hong Kong locals, and having the best trailer food dumplings in Mong Kok. BUT I could probably write a novel so I'll spare everyone and just keep it at those few exampled bullet-points.

 Temple Street Market in HK

The most exciting part of this week was probably today and the Lord bringing me to a church community that already feels like home - Hallelujah! Throughout the week I was trying to do everything all at once, not a really uncommon thing for me I suppose (and of course my mom reminded me of that via Skype) but I was trying to sort my whole life in Hong Kong including a weekly ministry. I guess for me I feel like I'm only here for 5 months! That's nothing, especially to build relationships that go deeper than surface conversation and share God's love in a more transformational way...any way, it's just not a lot of time. So I wanted to get plugged into ministry right away! I googled real hard and was getting myself stressed out OVER MINISTRY. As if it is MY ministry to be in control of, as if I could guide myself on a path to the Lord. Isn't it funny how even in our Christian lives, even with things that are "selfless" on the outside, we can be so selfish! Sure we can label ourselves as "good Christians," but how much of our work is genuine? Are we serving because it makes US feel good; are we serving one people group while judging another; are we fighting for our beliefs on things like gay marriage or abortion but turning our eye away from just as crippling sins like self-sufficiency and complacency? It hit me hard. I feel like lately I have been getting a lot of praise from back home about things I'm doing or my faith - and don't get me wrong my love language is words of affirmation so I GREATLY value and appreciate that - but I'm just so unworthy of that praise! I am just as broken as the next person, and it is a continual continual continual process of me falling and running back to the Lord and going through the motions and having a spiritual breakthrough, cycling on and on and on. And I am sure a lot of Christians feel like that, and I just want to say - don't give up. It's so easy to want to. It's so easy to question. Why does this not make sense? Why do I feel more love from Buddhists than many Christians? Why does it matter? God hears it all and he wants to communicate with you, bring you comfort, challenge you so that He can hold you when you've gotten too self-sufficient. And it's wonderful and beautiful and worth every doubt - because He is always present, His grace is always sufficient, His love is deeper than anything in this world. And He reminds me of that - and accepts me back every. single. time.

Today in Sunday small group, I had the privilege to be led by a Pakistani Christian. The words of His prayer were beautiful and powerful. As we talked about Mark 8:34-37, about denying yourself, taking up your cross, and following Jesus; about what that really looks like in our daily lives, he mentioned the challenge of being a Christian. He didn't go into much detail, but simply referred to how difficult it is for those in his homeland. I was hit hard in that moment. I'm an American Christian. I'll never fully understand persecution as experienced by those in Pakistan or Mainland China or India. But that's okay. As the words of Jacob's prayer fell over me, I realized God was using Him to show me that He is at work. He is training leaders like Jacob to go back and minister to His people, there are people coming to know Christ all over the world, and yes He does want to use me - but He doesn't need me. Yes I can be a tool for His Kingdom, but He is the Creator and His plan is far bigger than me. So, why do I allow myself to stress over ministry - again, it is not any ministry of my own.

Phew, okay. Stepping off my pulpit. At the end of the day, I just want to submit to the Lord. It's hard. It's not going to happen every day. But daily that is my hope and I can be confident in the truth of knowing that THAT is all God asks from me - because the rest, is all in His great and mighty hands.

"For whosoever would save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's shall save it" Mark 8:35 (ASV).

Hong Kong, A New Beginning

Where do I start? Hong Kong is everything I pictured it to be and more. I tried to keep my expectations low coming out here because I knew very little about Asian culture or what this new experience would have in store - and well, I still don't. But it's only been five days, and I already am beginning to feel comfortable here.  Hong Kong feels (and probably is) a lot safer than Waco and I successfully made it home on my own via the metro the other night.

But okay, maybe I shouldn't be so all over the place. We'll start with the plane ride - an immediate example of God's guiding hand on this trip. Right upon getting to my gate, the first two people I saw were two girls who are also exchange students at Hong Kong Baptist. Cora, who goes to school in California, had messaged me about being travel buddies and Sara, who is from San Antonio, was also on the same flight. So they were two immediate comforts and it was fun to be excited together! Then on the actual plane ride, I sat next to Erin - a girl who just so happens to live in Hong Kong through her work with International Care Ministries, a Christian missions organization that reaches out to the slums of the Philippines. Erin was so great and eager to suggest various churches and ministries that I could get involved in, and we dug into a conversation about short-term missions (shocker, I know). The flight went by really fast, and I felt so encouraged and affirmed that the Lord surrounded me with His workers (the guy to the other side of me was flying to Singapore for non-profit work!). Now I'm talking with Erin about a possible weekend mission trip to the slums of Philippines - keep that in your prayers!

Once we finally arrived at HKBU I got to my room and was pleasantly surprised to see that our spot on the 17th floor room has an AWESOME view of the Hong Kong skyline. My roommate B (the simplified version of Berengere) is so incredibly sweet and I adore her french accent :)

The first few days in Hong Kong was a cram-fest of information with orientation and jetlag and it left me feeling real real overwhelmed. Oh, hah, the first morning me and my roommate were so jetlagged that we woke up at 4:30am and decided to go to the gym. Such a funny experience. I'm still feeling jet-lagged actually. Apparently, you calculate a day per hour of how long it will take to finally feel normal which means it will take 12 days for me to get out of zombie mode, ay yi yi. One of the most interesting parts of the beginning of my trip is the culture shock that merely comes from being an exchange student! There are 122 of us from around 23 different countries! I have met people from Scotland, Denmark, South Korea, France, etc. etc. - it is cuh-razy. It's one thing to get accustomed to Hong Kong, it's a whole other thing to do so with a whole group of people who are so different from each other. That in itself has been such an incredible experience, really!

There has already been a rollercoaster of emotions and feets for me. On Wednesday we had a campus tour, where a group of about 7 of us sat in a coffee shop and compared our various languages and accents from all over the world - including Hong Kong, Mainland, Denmark, Scotland, Finland, Poland, and the US. On Thursday morning, I got major culture shock when I went for my morning run and an 80-year-old man lapped me and groups surrounded the park doing meditation and martial arts. Thursday night I got home all on my own just as the metro was closing, I hopped on, changed lines, and walked back to the towers jamming to "Aint No Mountain High Enough" and feeling super accomplished. Friday we had a tour of Hong Kong where we visited a temple downtown, had a dim sum lunch at Jumbo one of the biggest floating seafood restaurants, went to Stanley Market, and ended the day at Victoria's Peak. Today, I spent time with two Hong Kong locals - my friend Cedric who gave me all kinds of advice about travelling to mainland China (where he is originally from) and my new friend Holly who was born and raised in Hong Kong and told me all sorts of things about the culture.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting a church that is right around the corner called Kowloon International Baptist Church, which seems to have a lot of ministries throughout the community and a college group. I'm also looking into volunteering at an orphanage in Hong Kong called Po Leung Kuk. I'm excited to serve wherever God leads me, it seems like the possibilities are endless in this place that combines nature with cosmopolitan, English milk tea with Chinese dumplings, and everything East with West.